Moral Relativity

I think I’m a professional student.

No, seriously, I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t involved in learning something.

Some might consider this a good thing, but I’m seriously starting to think it is a bit of an addiction. Because I always feel the need to learn more about something. For example, lately, I’m truly trying to gain a better understanding of my Higher Power. I’m trying to relate to the ideas of my catholic upbringing and understand how I can accept myself, in spite of the perception of sexuality and gender. It seems like an unending battle, since I see myself as a bisexual male or a possible transgendered woman but I also ascribe to many of the precepts of my catholic upbringing and Christianity.

I’ve mentioned numerous times that I struggle with my sexuality and with my gender. Many times I have convinced myself that I am something other than I feel; but I have also wondered if I run from responsibility on many things. Today, I mentioned to my wife (I have not mentioned it, but she called me and we have been talking again) that the one major thing I struggle with in coming to God is that I believe it involves instant responsibility – something I don’t know I am capable of meeting – or I am unwilling. We were discussing the ideas that there are definitive rights and wrongs, and that these definitive rights and wrongs stare the ideas of Moral Relativity in the face.

I have always understood the catholic understanding of any sexuality besides heterosexual is a state of disorder. Disorder requires compassion, but not conviction. For Catholics, hating a homosexual is as much of a sin as the act involved in homosexuality. The catechism explains that homosexuals have a special cross to carry and, as a result, must abstain from sexual relationships – i.e. remain chaste. In other words, being a homosexual is not wrong, but engaging in sexually homosexual acts are sinful – because they are not done within the domain of a marriage. This is where catholic doctrine denies a relative morality.

Although my wife has loved me, regardless of my sexual inclinations (she is unaware I see myself as non-gender specific), I am unsure about my ability to fulfill the requirements of any romantic relationship right now. Granted, a married couple that discovers that one of the people is not heterosexual will open the marriage to being annulled, it is still a complex matter for either person. The heterosexual person will be “allowed” to remarry as a catholic, whereas the non-heterosexual will be required to commit to a chaste life and carry a “special cross” and receive compassion from others.

Truthfully, I struggle with this for a number of reasons. I don’t care to go into them in much detail today, but the ideas they present in my mind are interesting matters and something I feel I will spend time trying to understand. But I am quite aware that the ideas of Moral Relativity are directly related to this topic.  Moral Relativity is the idea that what is right for me is right for me and what is right for you is right for you.  I find the idea to have some major problems and when I have engaged in friendly debate with people about the flaws of Moral Relativity, they find my arguments to be repulsive – I’m sure Hitler felt the eradication of Jews to be completely moral. To me, this idea has some problems because there must be some absolute rights and absolute wrongs or else all of humanity devolves into destructive chaos, arbitrarily chosen by whomever is in charge – typically oneself.

But I can’t find any ability to see the love shared between two consenting adults as disordered. To me, the idea of two adults loving each other is a beautiful thing and an example of love for humanity. I understand the counter arguments to the idea, but I struggle with the concept that it is somehow evil and I can’t find a way to convince myself otherwise. I know some would wonder why I am even bothering to convince myself of the alternatives, because it seems to hurt my mind in some ways. But here is the thing I truly have always believed – and it is a quote from the book of Alcoholics Anonymous – “Either God is everything or He is nothing”.

But I always try to keep my mind open to arguments, but I would be lying if I said it would bother me to have to give up on some things.

But is it a sacrifice, I should make?

AJ: Missy

You guys have no idea what you’re doing for my ego. I’m almost going to cry…

I am being inundated with so many feminine compliments, descriptors, names and all that goes into the kinds of things other girls say to girls. I love it!  I’m riding high today and it’s because of so many of you. Some of you have flat quit calling me by my real name in emails and have began calling me Steph or Stephanie all the time. I have a friend that just keeps me feeling like her little princess. I’ve even had a couple of guys email me and flirt with me, knowing everything you all do. And today, one of you were encouraging me and said, “…you are making great strides, Missy”

I absolutely love it!  It makes me feel so much like a girl! Although, I know I’ll never actually be a woman, I absolutely love that none of you let me think otherwise. I just wish I could give you all a big hug! It encourages me so much to have my friends thionk of me this way!

This missy is loving it!

The Opposite Gender: A Wish, A Reality, A Fantasy?

Today, I was perusing other blog’s posts and came across this post that posed an intriguing question (Okay, so I’m intrigued, but maybe you are too): What if you were born the opposite sex? This topic is something I deal with in my own blog posts, as you can see here and here. I have been referred to as someone “struggling with gender-identity”, someone that is “gender-fluid”, or what some Native American tribes might refer to as “two-spirited”. I can honestly say that, for me, I have experienced a more profound exploration of the “opposite gender” than merely contemplating the thought experiment. Certainly, I have had dreams (Maybe I’ll write a post about my dreams, sometime…) where I was a woman. I’ve played dress-up, as a kid, and have enjoyed a dress or two – or some other feminine ways to dress. So, in a short answer to this blogger’s question: Yes, I have thought about it, but there is more to it for me.

I have always felt a dualistic nature to both my sexuality and my gender. Exploring these two topics over the past few years have really filled me with strong emotions, regrets, tragic feelings, but hope. I am coming to a greater understanding and acceptance of myself, in spite of suppressing all of these things for the majorit of my life. As you can see from some of the links I’ve provided above, I have enjoyed exploring the more feminine side of myself. I have had people on here embrace me, as if I were a girl, I have enjoyed the references indicating that I’m female. And yet, I’m still able to be happily male.  I have pondered what changing my gender would mean, but I am definitively and outwardly male and masculine – there is simply a lot about me you can’t hide. For me the duality is the concept of having characteristics that are stereotypically common to both genders. Likewise, my sexuality tends to incorporate a more opposing aspect to me gender – for example, I feel feminine when I’m with a guy and I feel masculine when I’m with a woman. My attractions mold to a stereotypical gender identity too – I’m attracted to feminine women and masculine men (though, this isn’t a hardened matter, I am felixble).

As many of you have witnessed, my self-acceptance is not without struggle. This is a matter that truly bothers me. For example, bisexuals are the demographic that are among the highest rates of mental health problems. There are distinct risks that bisexuals face, as well, such as not being widely accepted in either the straight community or the LGBT community, stereotypes that neither straights nor homosexuals have to face, and there are inherent romantic risks (A different topic and a different post, sometime). I have, personally, dealt with matters concerning my sexuality and gender-identity that have made me ponder how much I even like myself. I’m getting past some of this (a lot of it has to do with the wide acceptance I receive from all of you) with plenty of help, but it’s still uncomfortable. But since I have never come-out on a wide basis, most of the emotional impacts have been experienced privately and alone.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I exhibit characteristics of both genders. I value the fact that I can be considered a human being, in spite of the fact that I don’t fit the socio-standard ‘mold’. I enjoy that the girls on WordPress include me as ‘one of the girls’; I appreciate that the guys on WordPress don’t want to punch me in the face and ‘make me man-up’. I appreciate that I can be accepted for the roles that I fill as a man, and I am comfortable with the feminine nature I have, as well.  Thankfully, I’m more at peace with myself, than I have ever been in the past, with respect to my gender and sexuality.

 

QFMR: What if…?

I just made a post about my infatuation with dresses. And by the way, I’ve got a few beers in me, so I’m rather lucid with my words, but what if I pulled a Caitlyn Jenner? Sometimes I like being girly, sometimes people tell me I’m such a girl. What if…?

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Would my readers still like me, if I identified as a woman?