It hit.

I’m in the midst of a depressive episode right now. I think it’s the worst I have ever felt. I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone and I’m feeling like my life is shit. I hate that I lost my ability to make the best of any situation long ago. I fucking lost my ability to deal with my stress on my terms. I’m terrified of my future. I’m hurting, despite the fact that I am trying to be positive.

As I write these words – a desperate attempt to relieve the stress – I am feeling the self-hatred set in. I have been reading a book, but the advice escapes me at the moment. I feel my vision closing in, the circle of sight getting smaller, being swallowed by the cloud entering my mind. Soon everything will be bleak, dark, miserable. I feel it come over me like anot icy cold front covering everything around me with ice. I’m aware of the happiness I should feel, and yet all of the paths in front of me are surrounded with the foreboding of my own mind.

I descend into the pit of helplessness. I can’t find anything that I can grab to pull myself out. I’m aware of the murky darkness of the hole, the slimy walls that prevent my climbing. I sink, caught in the quagmire of my shitty outlook on my life.

I want nothing more than for someone to hold me, rocking me and comforting me. I’m dying for someone to assure me it’ll be alright. I’m desperately seeking someone to help me handle my pains. What I wouldn’t give for one evening of total attention, reassuring me that I can do it.

I’m not strong, like I set out to be. I have found my match in life and it is sacking the life out of me. I can’t see how positivity will win. I can’t see how to override the blackhole my emotions are sucked into. I am hating everything about myself at this very moment, my pain is so extreme, I am numb and can’t even excrete a tear.

What the fuck is happening??? Why can’t I fall back on the new changes I’m trying to implement? Why the fuck can’t I feel happy anymore?

I think I really need to fucking die…

I want this to go away…

I need someway to see good…

I need to feel good…

But I’m fucking hurting.