I hate depression.

Today has been tough for some reason.  I have no reason, whatsoever, to be feeling “blue” and depressed.  But it hit me this afternoon.  It came on and I didn’t see it coming until it was already there.  I was hating everything and everyone. I tried praying to God, but I couldn’t find anyway to let it go. I feel the pressures of my life so much and I am now on the verge of failing something and I don’t care.

I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but I was attending an online program to earn a master’s degree in data analytics. I had finished my first class with an 89% and was holding a 95% in my second class, but I had not completed an assignment in over 2 weeks. This week is the final week for this class and I don’t want to do anything about it.  I don’t want to finish and I have already sent my advisor an email asking to withdraw me from the program. I just don’t want to do it. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of increasing my student loans beyond the $130,000 I already owe. I’m tired of trying. I’m in my 40s and I can now accept that I will never pay those off – I will most likely die before it happens.

I realized today that I have been pouring my heart and soul into a life I don’t really care about. I have pursued achieving success through money and I am feeling empty. I don’t have any more passion for my career and can care less about being well-off anymore. I had an income a couple of years ago that made me feel like I would eventually pay off all of my debts, but after being out of work for over a year and then finding jobs that were miniscule, I’m realizing my chances of monetary success are dwindling – it simply is not going to happen and I’m tired, so, so, so tired.

I just don’t know what to do, but I have worked two or more jobs for as long as I can remember and I just can’t get the leg-up, I feel I deserve.  I think I’m at a point that I’m just ready for my life to come crashing down and try and pick up the pieces after it happens.  I can’t avoid this any more. I’m tired and I feel destroyed and defeated.

With my marriage failed, my lack of financial success and a career that I am not passionate about anymore, I’m overwhelmed. I’m even trying to seek God out and ask for comfort, but I can’t find it…

I simply can’t find joy…