I think I want to feel love…

As some of you know, I am separated.  And I had considered finding a boyfriend at one point, but I quickly became unimpressed with the online experience. Although, I had considered it, I’m also trying to change myself and feel like I just don’t have the ability to be in any committed relationship right now.  But I’m also fully aware how alone I feel right now.

There are days, I just want someone to…

wrap their arms around me,

tell me my worries are not silly,

explain to me that I’m not a weirdo-freak,

give me compliments, reassure me,

offer my some semblance of peace,

desire me,

want to be close to me,

appreciate my love,

touch me,

make love to me…

…or whatever.

An Old Connection on Facebook…

Someone I had not seen in ages sent me a Friend request on Facebook, this past weekend. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. He was a good friend of mine back in high school, but we lost touch over the years.  Obviously, with things like Facebook, you can look people up that you haven’t seen in forever and reconnect with them.  And I have mixed emotions about my friend reconnecting with me.

It’s not like there is any bad blood between us or anything. Our friendship was never strained or anything like that. I can’t even think of a time were he and I had any cross-feelings between us. But he is unaware of my sexuality and I am quite aware that I think I loved him back when we were friends. At the time, I had ignored any inclination that I might be gay, bi or anything other than straight, so being able to admit this to my friend would have evaded me.  But, seeing his friend request, literally made my heart leap.

I was excited to hear from him. I remember the way he used to carry himself – confident – a little cocky – inclined towards a sexual nature (but always with women). Although, at the time I had already been engaged in sexual activity with another friend of ours, I was still enamored with him.  I remember hanging out with him all of the time. I was young, of course, so I noticed the way his biceps bulged, the way he walked, his muscular rear and strong legs. Seeing his name in my Facebook invitations made me excited all over again.  For an instant, I considered telling him, “I’m so glad you found me. I have missed you and I want you.”  Okay, it was fleeting, because of all the other things going on in life, right now, but the feelings came rushing in and they unnerved me a little.

Well, come to find out, he has been married three times and is on marriage number four. He has children with one woman and has begun a family with this current one.  Talking to him, I got the distinct impression his mentality has not changed much since high school.  It was a bit of a disappointment; regardless, I was still quite aware of the incompatibility between us on a physical level. It’s obvious, he is quite into “girly girls” and I, simply, am not one.  He wouldn’t ever be attracted to me and that is quite clear, but it didn’t cause me to pause and appreciate that at one time I think I loved him…

But today is different and I have different things going on in life…

Craigslist??? Yeah, I think I’ll pass…

So, just for curiosity, I decided to look on Craigslist to see if there are any guys that might be interesting to strike up a conversation.  When I searched the “m4m” section, this is what I see:

CLm4m

Apparently, I won’t find what I’d like on CL….

SARD Part 15 – Damn Co-Dependency!

 

There are some days that have me questioning things.  Today, I’m feeling low…it was such an awesome high, yesterday, that I knew a low was going to follow – it always does.  I am torn about my marriage and I wonder, in some small way, if all I’m doing is trying to run and hide from myself and my responsibilities as a man.  I have such a hard time dealing with myself, when others I deal with aren’t happy with me.  This is so true in my normal everyday dealing with people, that it is no surprise that it is a cornerstone of any romantic/intimate relationship I have. I have so many examples of my codependency.

For example, I had a girlfriend once who cheated on me, and I did everything I could to try and convince her not to cheat on me.  I felt like I must have done something that would make her want to do this.  It must be something I have done, so I apologized for things I happened to be doing wrong.  Granted, they were wrong, but looking at it logically, almost anyone would agree that there is no excuse for cheating. However, I would make her indiscretions my issue, rather than making her accountable to herself (Granted, I did put my hand through her door when she told me…so THAT was childish and wrong). Then you can look at my marriage and there are so many examples of that same behavior, that I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Granted, my wife has never cheated (Well…kind of…there was that one time when she had a picture of a friend’s penis; and, recently, she began talking to an ex boyfriend and told me she was going to leave me for him, if I didn’t change).  This is not something I can excuse in my behavior, because I have.  And I have made other mistakes, as well – I was wrong for it, and I won’t do that to anyone again.  But for years, previous to that, I had been the victim of domestic violence.  That’s right, I said it…I had been hit by her on several occasions during arguments.  And I’m not talking about a slap across the face (Gawd knows, I have a sarcastic tongue…); no, I’m talking closed fists to my face kind of hits.  I remember her telling me on several occasions, when I expressed I didn’t like that treatment, “If you’d show me some respect, you wouldn’t get hit”. What did I do? I tried to change my behavior to accommodate her needs. I mean, I loved her, so wouldn’t I want to change myself to suit her?  This is just a small taste of the toxicity in my marriage.

In fact, when I began my first WP blog, it was intended to be about my failing marriage – that was almost 5 years ago, when I began blogging on WP.  I have changed myself so much to try and meet her needs, I began to forget who I am.  I expressed in previous postings, that I absolutely changed who I am as a basic individual. I have also come to terms with my sexuality over the past few years.  I truly believe I am bisexual. But something else began to emerge – Stephanie.  I am now questioning this reality. I’m questioning if it is simply another way for me to try and adapt to all of the heartache I feel as man.  Am I really someone that has problems with his identity, or have I been so emasculated through not being appreciated for who I am, that I felt I needed to change everything about myself – including my gender. But I’m questioning so much about the marriage that I am now having doubts about it’s continuance or it’s demise.

Something else happened today that had me questioning if I am even a good person.  Somehow, I inadvertently offended someone on here that I considered a friend.  I won’t go into details, because it’s not fair to discuss it, but she had asked me to unfriend her and has since blocked me.  Now, I’m wondering what I did wrong.  I always feel like there is always something I can do to have prevented a negative situation from occurring.  I look to turn a cheek, I look to explain myself for fear that the other person thinks I mean to hurt them. I look for some way to salvage any wrong -perceived or real.  It’s something I don’t know how to let go and accept that sometimes oil and water really don’t mix.

I feel like a failure when I want to make someone happy and it doesn’t happen…

And now, I begin to wonder again, if I am to blame for my marriage. Am I avoiding some responsibility? Should I be handling my life in a different way? What can I do to make things right? I’m probably only thinking of my needs, wants and desires when I consider my sexuality or consider that I’m not the gender I was born to be.  I start to question all my knowledge of self and wonder if I’m truly fucked up? Maybe when I question all of this, I should be seeking God…or return to my faith and accept that I am all wrong.

I feel like I was happy as a man at one time. I felt at one time I was happy being heterosexual. I felt at one time, I was secure in who I was as a person.  But life happened to me, it happened to me and it made me question everything about myself. Just like today did – and I don’t even know why, because it’s not like I was even close to this “friend” I mentioned above. It shouldn’t feel important. Granted, I have had conversations with a few of you on here and I feel like losing any of those friendships would devastate me, if this one is doing what it is doing now.

But, it made me want to eat this:

choc

At least it’s not a beer, right?

But I know, deep down, this co-dependency thing will be there with me, at all times! I don’t understand when it developed, where it developed or why it developed. I feel like I used to be secure, but somehow it’s like everything else I’m realizing about myself – it feels like it has probably always been there, but has never surfaced until later in life. But there are other things that I began to question after I started feeling co-dependent, so are any of those a reality for me?