Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

I think I want to feel love…

As some of you know, I am separated.  And I had considered finding a boyfriend at one point, but I quickly became unimpressed with the online experience. Although, I had considered it, I’m also trying to change myself and feel like I just don’t have the ability to be in any committed relationship right now.  But I’m also fully aware how alone I feel right now.

There are days, I just want someone to…

wrap their arms around me,

tell me my worries are not silly,

explain to me that I’m not a weirdo-freak,

give me compliments, reassure me,

offer my some semblance of peace,

desire me,

want to be close to me,

appreciate my love,

touch me,

make love to me…

…or whatever.

An Old Connection on Facebook…

Someone I had not seen in ages sent me a Friend request on Facebook, this past weekend. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. He was a good friend of mine back in high school, but we lost touch over the years.  Obviously, with things like Facebook, you can look people up that you haven’t seen in forever and reconnect with them.  And I have mixed emotions about my friend reconnecting with me.

It’s not like there is any bad blood between us or anything. Our friendship was never strained or anything like that. I can’t even think of a time were he and I had any cross-feelings between us. But he is unaware of my sexuality and I am quite aware that I think I loved him back when we were friends. At the time, I had ignored any inclination that I might be gay, bi or anything other than straight, so being able to admit this to my friend would have evaded me.  But, seeing his friend request, literally made my heart leap.

I was excited to hear from him. I remember the way he used to carry himself – confident – a little cocky – inclined towards a sexual nature (but always with women). Although, at the time I had already been engaged in sexual activity with another friend of ours, I was still enamored with him.  I remember hanging out with him all of the time. I was young, of course, so I noticed the way his biceps bulged, the way he walked, his muscular rear and strong legs. Seeing his name in my Facebook invitations made me excited all over again.  For an instant, I considered telling him, “I’m so glad you found me. I have missed you and I want you.”  Okay, it was fleeting, because of all the other things going on in life, right now, but the feelings came rushing in and they unnerved me a little.

Well, come to find out, he has been married three times and is on marriage number four. He has children with one woman and has begun a family with this current one.  Talking to him, I got the distinct impression his mentality has not changed much since high school.  It was a bit of a disappointment; regardless, I was still quite aware of the incompatibility between us on a physical level. It’s obvious, he is quite into “girly girls” and I, simply, am not one.  He wouldn’t ever be attracted to me and that is quite clear, but it didn’t cause me to pause and appreciate that at one time I think I loved him…

But today is different and I have different things going on in life…

Craigslist??? Yeah, I think I’ll pass…

So, just for curiosity, I decided to look on Craigslist to see if there are any guys that might be interesting to strike up a conversation.  When I searched the “m4m” section, this is what I see:

CLm4m

Apparently, I won’t find what I’d like on CL….