I think I want to feel love…

As some of you know, I am separated.  And I had considered finding a boyfriend at one point, but I quickly became unimpressed with the online experience. Although, I had considered it, I’m also trying to change myself and feel like I just don’t have the ability to be in any committed relationship right now.  But I’m also fully aware how alone I feel right now.

There are days, I just want someone to…

wrap their arms around me,

tell me my worries are not silly,

explain to me that I’m not a weirdo-freak,

give me compliments, reassure me,

offer my some semblance of peace,

desire me,

want to be close to me,

appreciate my love,

touch me,

make love to me…

…or whatever.

How does one truly rise from the ashes? Or should I ever come out?

I recognize my last couple of posts have been negative, dark and bleak. I’m not sure what it is about depression that does this to me.  It has a habit of coming in and destroying the positive feelings I begin having for myself.  It’s almost like being happy or striving for more peace is not something I deserve. I’m tired of cliché phrases to make me feel better, I’m tired of seeing therapists, I’m tired of reading self-help books, I’m tired of forcing myself to do things I supposedly like.

But more than anything, I’m tired of the self-deprecating thoughts I have.

I’m tired that I can’t feel the good things that are said to me or about me. I’m tired of not having the motivation to take care of myself, like a normal person. I’m tired of the inability to understand what it is I really want out of life. And I’m tired that I see nothing but “should of” when it comes to looking at myself and my decisions.

I almost made a radical decision yesterday.

I almost came out to someone in my real life. I came dangerously close to revealing to an old friend that I am bisexual.  She and I used to do martial arts together many years ago – in fact, I helped her test for her 2nd degree blackbelt over 20 years ago. I used to have a huge crush on her too.  Well, she and I have managed to stay in contact over the years, although that contact became less and less as time went on.

Yesterday, I made a statement about politics on Facebook because I am frustrated that I am having trouble getting my medical supplies (I’m not a huge fan of government, just so you know) and she had commented on my post.  Well, sometimes I think I come across as uncaring and uncompassionate (Is that a word?) and I sent her a private message. During the conversation, the topic of LGBT rights came up and I had mentioned to her, “Please don’t ever make me admit it in public, but I’m a registered republican that supports LGBT rights.”  She thought it was funny and mentioned she would never make me admit to anything in public.  For a shred of a moment, I considered mentioning to her that I’m bisexual.  And then it struck me for a moment, that she may think that already.

I mentioned I had a huge crush on her. Well, I had seen her naked before…phenomenal body, gorgeous and I would have gladly jumped at the chance to have sex with her. So, why didn’t I?  Well, at the time, she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend.  How did we see each other naked?  Good old fashioned spin the bottle in our little foursome one night.  I never made a move on her back then, and I could never tell if a woman was just being nice to me or if she was interested in me.  That felt like the case with me and her.  But looking back on it from the perspective of the conversation she and I had yesterday, it made me wonder, “Does she already realize I’m bisexual?  Was I displaying signs for the so-called gay-dar that some people have?”

But for the moment, I let it pass. I did not tell her. I did not mention it to anyone who knows me personally. I wonder if I ever will. I’m 44 years old, married, a father, but secretly bisexual with obvious gender confusion.  I spent last night, in the dark, looking up people on Facebook – i.e. a little Facebook stalking. I looked up old girlfriends, I looked up people I’ve hooked up with (guys and girls), I looked up old friends, I looked up all kinds of people. I felt nostalgic and reminiscent. I felt…

…lonely.