“What return shall I make to the Lord…

…for all that He has done for me?”  (Psalm 116: 12)

 

Truthfully, I’m struggling with gratitude, lately, but I also believe that my attempt to focus on a higher power and praying daily is a step. I am struggling with understanding my true nature, but I am hopeful that my willingness to live each day as it comes demonstrates my gratitude for life…

Sleep: Sometimes the Best Medicine

I slept last night.

I slept hard last night.

I slept the kind of sleep I truly needed last night.

I feel so refreshed this morning.

Are any of my problems solved? BWAHAHAHAHA!  Of course not, but I do feel a little better. I have a little pep in my step and a smile on my pretty face (What? I can dream, right?)!  I don’t know why I get like that sometimes, but I think I was sick and miserable last night and it just made me feel the most awful things.  But I’m not going to say “I hate it”, because it’s not necessary – who actually LIKES feeling that way?

Although, I don’t know where my life will lead me at the moment, I do know what I need to do for this moment and that is what I need to focus on.  I was trying to take on so many things and trying to accomplish so much, but at some point, I have to recognize that this moment is the only one that matters.  This moment is the only one that requires a decision. And the decision I need to focus on at this very moment, is if I am going to choose to move onto the next moment.

And you know what? I did it! I made it to the next moment.  I know, I know…it’s kind of silly, but maybe that’s just what I need to do right now. Maybe right now, I just need to let the world happen the way it’s going to happen and I just need to live each moment as it comes. I need peace. I need serenity. I need love – especially a love for myself.

I had so many of you, once again, offer so many words of encouragement. I had so many of you, once again, comfort me and let me know everything is going to be alright. Once again, so many of you, said many kind things.  I even received emails offering the same things. I even had an offer of a prayer and I gladly took it.  Although, I’ve been apprehensive about that kind of thing, it actually might have helped me.  I appreciate all the friends I have here on WordPress and I feel surrounded by love and compassion. I truly appreciate it.

And now, I’ve got tears in my eyes…

….thank you!

Please Wish Me Luck!

Dear Readers,

I may not be on much now.  As most of you are well aware, I am accepting a new job.  I’m unsure what will be going on with the new job, but I have decided to be utterly focused on it until I am comfortable.  So, I may not be online or even on WordPress for a while.  I know in the past, I have had a habit of bailing on my blog and going absolutely bonkers, but I wanted all of you to know that I am in a much better place than I once was.

I recognize that many of my problems will not go away, but I do believe I am better equipped to handle them. I also feel the need to reassure you all that I’m not hurting myself or in danger of hurting myself in any way – I recognize that I have had those issues before, but that’s not the case now.

I wanted to express some sincere gratitude, as well. I am so happy that I have gotten to know so many of you and I am so happy for the friendships offered. I have found some great people in many of you.

I don’t anticipate being away from blogging, permanently, but I don’t think I’ll be around much anymore. Maybe it will change and maybe it won’t; it’s simply too hard to tell right now.  If you’d like to keep in touch, please feel free to email me at tarnishedsoul72@gmail.com

Yours,

Tar Nished

 

Giving Gratitude – I hit 500 followers.

followed-blog-500-2x

 

Today I hit a WordPress milestone: 500 followers.

I can tell you this has a little bit more significance to me than many of you might realize. You see, the last time I hit the 500 follower mark, I decided to delete my blog.  I mentioned it in previous posts and on my about page as to why I deleted my previous blog.  Today, however, I feel I’m in a better place than I was at that time – or the blog before that, or the one before that, and so on.

But, as much as I’d like to take credit for it, I owe it to all of you, of course!  A lot of you had followed my previous blogs and had witnesses the struggles I had dealt with – even the suicide attempt. Thankfully, that has all passed and now I’m working towards a more centered way of being. And I have a lot of gratitude for you wonderful people that have encouraged me every step – and follower – along the way.  So many of you have taken the time to comment, email and even offer to speak on the phone with me.  Your offers of friendship touch me in deep ways (Is that a bit stalkerish being online? lol). I am thankful for all of you and I appreciate you for the things you’ve said to me, the advice you have given me and the wide acceptance I have received.

I am thankful and blessed!

Inspirational?

I have a follower that sent me an email asking yours truly for ideas about blogging and all the ins and outs about blogging.  I have to admit, I’m a bit shocked that anyone would find inspiration in me (And I certainly hope I don’t offend her by writing about it, but I’m not mentioning names here…so…there is that…). But apparently, being bisexual, alcoholic, fat-assed, depressed, in an effed-up relationship, and on the doorstep of homelessness makes for a great example to others…lol… Hell, I’ll take it!

But it got me to thinking about this for a bit. And honestly, I began my blog for totally selfish reasons: I needed some outlet for my stress, depression, anxiety and some sort of acceptance that I’m not as effed-up as I felt.  Some of you have seen me on the verge of some horrible choices, some of you have seen me fight for some purpose to climb out of a hole of despair. Some of you have witnessed me go through a major struggle over the past couple of years. And thankfully, some of you do find value in me.  I have never quite wrapped my head around some of the things that I go through, but one thing is for sure: I have found some peace among the blogs and people of WordPress.  I’m thankful I have had this outlet.

But an inspiration? That is a foreign concept to me, because my intention was not to provide anything to others. I was utterly self-seeking when I came here. That defies the definition of “inspirational” in my mind. Inspiration means you intend to provide something to others to look towards – some sort of guiding light for others. Let’s face it, I have some demons and I can’t imagine leading anyone towards the darkness I have felt in my own heart and mind. But, I also have hope. I have the hope that I can deal with these things in a positive way.

Maybe that’s the inspiration I provide. Maybe it is the fact that I don’t give up – even when there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to let it all go. Maybe the inspiration I provide is the fact that I’m real – at least others have said this; I often feel like I hide from myself. Maybe the inspiration I provide is that others can look at me and think, “Well, I’m not NEARLY as effed-up as this guy/girl is…” I’m not sure how I’m inspirational in any stretch of the imagination.

I’m flawed, seriously, seriously flawed. And one of those flaws is my monstrosity of an ego. That’s right, I had a huge ego at one time. It’s one of the many reasons I feel like I fell so incredibly hard when I fell. I portrayed myself in a lot of ways that were not authentic to how I felt. I tried to hide from everyone else what I saw as problems with who I am.  Take my bisexuality, as a prime example. I used to be the guy that exclaimed from the rooftops that homosexuals (i.e. any alternative sexuality) is unnatural and disordered. The reality, of course, is that I was in the process of trying to convince myself that I was NOT attracted to men – in spite of the fact, that I had gone beyond attraction. I also operated on fear a lot. I had a massive amount of control over my emotions and feelings when it cames to a lot of different things. But I was truly afraid of a lot of things. Being a smaller kid, growing up, I had to come up with ways to protect myself from being bullied and picked on. So I learned ways to divert people’s attention and looked towards ways to give people the image I was tough (There are many, many nuances to this and sometimes I think I was appropriate and other times I felt I was not). I also struggle with people being smarter than I am – I’m always jealous of people that know more than me, and for whatever reason, I see it as a purpose in life to be smarter than others (It’s truly a sick behavior, because it demonstrates how little value I have in myself). I am flawed…that is not inspirational.

So, here’s the thing: I did not put this in my Appreciation Jar. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the compliment, because I do. But my ego speaks to grandiose ideas that make me feel better than others. I HATE that about myself. I don’t want to be better than others, I want to be respected, but I don’t want to be worshipped. Granted, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that the follower that sent me the email is worshipping me, but I am saying that I can easily fall into the trap of thinking I deserve that worship. I felt that before my depression hit me, that I had a good ego, a healthy ego, but someplace along the line I developed a super ego and thrived on attention. I typically joke and call myself an attention whore, but it was at a point where I needed other people to pay attention to me, for some reason. And then it hits me that it may not have been my assessment…

….but someone else thought this about me, and I began questioning myself.

It’s difficult for me to accept compliments, but I also am in the process of making sure I have healthy self-esteem. I don’t want to be in a position where I care about myself more than I care about others. But, likewise, I don’t want to be in a situation where I care about others, in spite of myself. I want a healthy balance, I want others to respect me and I want to give them respect, as well. I want a happy medium between a super ego and horrible self-esteem. I want to be in that spot where I can appreciate everyone, in spite of their flaws; but I also want to appreciate myself, in spite of my flaws. To me, balance is important, but I tend to side with extremes. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person.

Anyways, I’m feeling myself ramble, because I know I’m inherently uncomfortable being called inspirational. But, if I am providing some peace to someone in the world, then I am thankful that my story has done that for someone.