I have a follower that sent me an email asking yours truly for ideas about blogging and all the ins and outs about blogging. I have to admit, I’m a bit shocked that anyone would find inspiration in me (And I certainly hope I don’t offend her by writing about it, but I’m not mentioning names here…so…there is that…). But apparently, being bisexual, alcoholic, fat-assed, depressed, in an effed-up relationship, and on the doorstep of homelessness makes for a great example to others…lol… Hell, I’ll take it!
But it got me to thinking about this for a bit. And honestly, I began my blog for totally selfish reasons: I needed some outlet for my stress, depression, anxiety and some sort of acceptance that I’m not as effed-up as I felt. Some of you have seen me on the verge of some horrible choices, some of you have seen me fight for some purpose to climb out of a hole of despair. Some of you have witnessed me go through a major struggle over the past couple of years. And thankfully, some of you do find value in me. I have never quite wrapped my head around some of the things that I go through, but one thing is for sure: I have found some peace among the blogs and people of WordPress. I’m thankful I have had this outlet.
But an inspiration? That is a foreign concept to me, because my intention was not to provide anything to others. I was utterly self-seeking when I came here. That defies the definition of “inspirational” in my mind. Inspiration means you intend to provide something to others to look towards – some sort of guiding light for others. Let’s face it, I have some demons and I can’t imagine leading anyone towards the darkness I have felt in my own heart and mind. But, I also have hope. I have the hope that I can deal with these things in a positive way.
Maybe that’s the inspiration I provide. Maybe it is the fact that I don’t give up – even when there have been times when I wanted nothing more than to let it all go. Maybe the inspiration I provide is the fact that I’m real – at least others have said this; I often feel like I hide from myself. Maybe the inspiration I provide is that others can look at me and think, “Well, I’m not NEARLY as effed-up as this guy/girl is…” I’m not sure how I’m inspirational in any stretch of the imagination.
I’m flawed, seriously, seriously flawed. And one of those flaws is my monstrosity of an ego. That’s right, I had a huge ego at one time. It’s one of the many reasons I feel like I fell so incredibly hard when I fell. I portrayed myself in a lot of ways that were not authentic to how I felt. I tried to hide from everyone else what I saw as problems with who I am. Take my bisexuality, as a prime example. I used to be the guy that exclaimed from the rooftops that homosexuals (i.e. any alternative sexuality) is unnatural and disordered. The reality, of course, is that I was in the process of trying to convince myself that I was NOT attracted to men – in spite of the fact, that I had gone beyond attraction. I also operated on fear a lot. I had a massive amount of control over my emotions and feelings when it cames to a lot of different things. But I was truly afraid of a lot of things. Being a smaller kid, growing up, I had to come up with ways to protect myself from being bullied and picked on. So I learned ways to divert people’s attention and looked towards ways to give people the image I was tough (There are many, many nuances to this and sometimes I think I was appropriate and other times I felt I was not). I also struggle with people being smarter than I am – I’m always jealous of people that know more than me, and for whatever reason, I see it as a purpose in life to be smarter than others (It’s truly a sick behavior, because it demonstrates how little value I have in myself). I am flawed…that is not inspirational.
So, here’s the thing: I did not put this in my Appreciation Jar. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the compliment, because I do. But my ego speaks to grandiose ideas that make me feel better than others. I HATE that about myself. I don’t want to be better than others, I want to be respected, but I don’t want to be worshipped. Granted, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting that the follower that sent me the email is worshipping me, but I am saying that I can easily fall into the trap of thinking I deserve that worship. I felt that before my depression hit me, that I had a good ego, a healthy ego, but someplace along the line I developed a super ego and thrived on attention. I typically joke and call myself an attention whore, but it was at a point where I needed other people to pay attention to me, for some reason. And then it hits me that it may not have been my assessment…
….but someone else thought this about me, and I began questioning myself.
It’s difficult for me to accept compliments, but I also am in the process of making sure I have healthy self-esteem. I don’t want to be in a position where I care about myself more than I care about others. But, likewise, I don’t want to be in a situation where I care about others, in spite of myself. I want a healthy balance, I want others to respect me and I want to give them respect, as well. I want a happy medium between a super ego and horrible self-esteem. I want to be in that spot where I can appreciate everyone, in spite of their flaws; but I also want to appreciate myself, in spite of my flaws. To me, balance is important, but I tend to side with extremes. I’m kind of an all-or-nothing person.
Anyways, I’m feeling myself ramble, because I know I’m inherently uncomfortable being called inspirational. But, if I am providing some peace to someone in the world, then I am thankful that my story has done that for someone.