Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

Sober: 3 Months

This past Wednesday, I crossed the date that marks 90 days sober for me. I’very been attending AA meetings and working the 12 Steps Program. I’m doing it slowly – in fact, today I met with my sponsor and did the 3rd Step and trying to turn my will over to my Higher Power.

I feel my attitude changing in a lot of ways. I am taking better care of myself – logging my food to be aware of calorie intake, drinking 90 – 120 oz. of water each day, walking strenuously a few times per week and even praying.

Why? Well, because I am seeing how these things seem to work for others. I am doing my best to change my thinking. There are days where I still think of downing a few beers, there are still days that I pander to the idea that I might be “notmal” someday. But I am filling my thoughts and mind with a new way of thinking, because I have a tendency to obsess about things. I want that to change.

But today, I’m “working the program”…

Day 92. – The longest I’ve been without a beer in the past 10 years.20170303_133215.jpg