“Be Not Afraid…”

I read another blogger’s post today and the first thing that struck me is the phrase, “Be Not Afraid…”. It reminded me of when I first paid attention to it – it was when I read the biography of St. John Paul II – The Great (Of course, at the time I read it, he was still alive and not a Saint). It was a phrase he adopted, almost as a legacy to his papacy, but it is biblically referenced.

Today, I wanted to find out where it is referenced in the bible – apparently the authors of the bible felt it would be ignored.

Today, I am teetering on an edge, because I am quite aware I can’t find happiness from my own doing.  I’m tired, unmotivated, lost, and feeling desperate again. Maybe it is time to let go…

Thought provoking?

I’m dealing with some emotions today, waiting to head home tomorrow, but I have been sitting here and looking at different memes and came across this one and it hit me very profoundly:


Instantly, I realized that part of my problem is that I am constantly after approval from others – in spite of all you wonderful friends of mine offering the acceptance and approval I seek.

Is that where my sense of emptiness has come from – the hope that other’s approval of me will make me happy and content?

I think I just got hit upside the head with the reality of my insanity.

SARD: Part 18 – When the Questions Never End…?

I have these times when I have a sudden urge to “Get right with God” – you might have noticed it.  I go through a series of mental games with myself where I fall back on assumptions I used to have about sexuality. These assumptions amount to ideas of mind over matter – in other words, I convince myself that I don’t have to be bisexual, if I don’t want to be. I go on these missions to understand WHY I have engaged in certain sexual behaviors – because there MUST be a reason, right?

I remember when I first began to question my gender, as well. I remember wondering if my sexuality and gender are intimately connected in a lot of ways. I know the common understanding is that they are separate issues, but I have always wondered about how they might be connected. I’ve said before, that in my experience I am feel more masculine when I am with women, but more feminine when I am with men.  To me, it seems readily obvious that my so-called gender identity is connected to my sexuality.

But speaking of gender identity, I’m even beginning to question that.  I ascribe to science in so many ways, and science has already determined that the genetic make-up of men and women are different, based upon the shapes of their chromosomes.  There are anomalies, just like anything else in nature, but anomalies are rare – I even read the other day that there are only like 0.023% people in the U.S. that are Transgendered (Assuming a population of 320 million, that’s still  73,600 people. I could be misquoting the statistic, but that’s still as many people that would fill up a small city like Casper, WY). So, I question who/what I am and these questions conflict with any sort of faith I may still be struggling

The problem with this is that I get overwhelmed. Some of you have seen me literally obliterate entire blogs, because of it. I’ve deleted blogs I’ve had for 2 or 3 years, sometimes, because I get so sick of the online image I present of myself, that it is so far removed from the one I have in “real” life. I’ve even posted my picture once and I had someone email me and tell me what a “great looking man” I was.  It bothered me, actually, because I don’t feel great looking and I don’t feel like a man. But the sad reality for me, is that I don’t look or feel like a woman either. I realize I’m not androgynous looking – my physical features are extremely masculine. And sometimes I feel like I want to be Dexter St. Jock, swinging my penis around like a rope and slinging it across my shoulder onto my back as if I’m the manliest stud to walk the face of the earth. And yet, I still dream of fitting into a pretty dress, squealing like a girl, and doing other feminine things.  Are my pains the results of social constructs? Some would say so. Or are my pains the result of not living within acceptance of my true self – whatever that might be?  And there are others that would think that. And, what about living how God would want me to live?  Oh, I think that would be a resounding “Yes” from some.

The problem is that I have lost myself. I have lost myself and just don’t know how to get back to feeling happy, content, peaceful, confident, etc. And these questions make me contemplate just checking out from everything – not actual life, but checking out from the current path I’m on and finding another one.  But I also feel like these feelings are temporary. I find little bits of ironies in life a lot of the time – of course, 9 out of ten times, they’re an irony in my own life. And as I feel these things, I sometimes happen upon something like this post, which gives me hope that I’m not the only one who struggles from time to time.

QFMR: Why do some people have Faith and some people do not?

I follow a couple of bloggers that are wonderful people – although, I don’t know them personally, I really enjoy the things they post. These women, I follow, discuss their faith and are unashamed to show their faith when writing. Certainly, they have struggles, but the joy they have when dealing with these struggles is amazing.  I told one of them today, in fact, that I am amazed by her faith.

I don’t have that faith. I lost it (R.E.M. is now playing in the recesses of my mind). I felt like I had it at one time, but I lost it. I can’t find it. The essence of this blog is horribly stricken with an obvious need for a Higher Power, but I can’t do it…I don’t understand myself, let alone faith.

But tonight, I’m questioning – I’m not tortured like I have been, before, but I am deeply in need of this answer:


Why do some people have faith and some do not?

Where does faith come from?