Torn

Wait little string.

Do not run away

From the seam.

Tucked away in

The flowery frill.

Hiding, hoping

Not to unravel.

What a dress?!

Only briefly worn.

To come out for

A summer night.

Joyfully laughing,

Unaware,

The pending doom.

The fray begins,

Unsheveling the

Feminine fabric.

Zipping along

The seam no longer

Held.

Vainly trying

To hold it together.

Watching it fall

Apart, revealing

A heart so

Torn.

Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

Maybe it is time to focus on myself…

So, as you all know, I had a death in my family this past week – but I got a chance yesterday to take a little time for myself.  Receiving all of the edification I got from so many of you really made me feel pretty and beautiful – something I truly struggle feeling.  You guys have no idea how good ya’ll made me feel… ❤ Muah!

Anyways, doing that for myself, yesterday has invigorated me to take more interest in myself and it’s a huge step for me.  Although, I have so many other emotional things going on, I just feel it’s time to focus on myself a little – I have focused on others for so long, that I have lost myself.  Granted, I have made a lot of changes in the past year, but I have continued along the path of change and I am enjoying it.

A few days ago, I made a list of things I want to do over the next year – I’m sure I won’t accomplish all of them, but I like that I am now trying to work on some of them. Over at Run Wright (She has a great blog, so check her out!), I have been asked to be a virtual walk/run partner and I am doing it.  Today, I will do a third day in a row of walking – I’m doing 1.25 miles right now, but I’ll work up from there and I hope to begin running soon. I’m making time to eat right, as well – in fact, my lunch yesterday consisted of an egg-white omelette with chopped veggies and a drink with infusions of kale, cucumber and apples. And after finishing my meal, I walked over to a kickboxing gym and signed up (It’s for five classes to begin, but I hope to go beyond that). So, I am making some changes for this girl right here! ❤ #selflovebeyotches!

Speaking of being a woman. I enjoy the prospect. All of the encouragement, I receive from so many of you is validating for sure. I find myself really taking it all in and feeling my feminine side so much. But I think I am settled on something – I don’t think I’ll go through any transition in any permanent way.  I find that the shock to those around me – especially loved ones and family members would not be the kind of thing I want to carry on my shoulders.  I do realize that seems counter-intuitive to the idea of self-love, but I also take some acceptance in knowing that I care about people so much.  For that reason, I’m going to limit myself to certain things. I’ll continue to do some self-pampering like manicures, pedicures, shaving my legs and buying moisturizers, body creams and things like that. I also enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, heels, stockings, nylons, etc.  But I don’t think I’ll ever out that part of myself. I’m thinking it’ll be for me only – and if there is ever another time where I meet someone again, maybe I’ll share that with him (or her, as the case maybe).

Tomorrow will be tough, because of the funeral and I will be the man I need to be; but today, I’m a content girl and feeling beautiful. And I really felt like I looked cute, yesterday! 🙂 ❤

 

Embracing Stephanie a little more…

I’m always writing things that are so negative. And I have such horrible self-image that I wanted to change it slightly today and discuss something that makes me feel a little more comfortable with myself. I have been doing a little research and felt that if I have a more feminine “inside” than “outside”, I want to expand on it a little.  Sometimes, I find myself fighting things, fighting the obvious, fighting what’s ‘normal’ for me.  What if I stopped fighting myself on this?  What if I stopped trying to prove anything about myself?

I have written about acceptance so much, but to actually adhere to it seems to escape me. I have been having this eternal battle with myself; so many of you have been witnesses to it and have discouraged me from having this battle.  Truthfully, I feel empowered by many of you to just accept myself as Stephanie. But I would be lying, if I said I’m not torn, because of the “moral” upbringing I had. I’ve noticed I have a lot of followers that are Christian, several Catholics, and I am happy that none of them have ever told me anything that makes me question myself. But I also see the happiness and joy many of them express. I’ve appreciated the prayers of a select few – I’m not sure what they pray for, with respect to me, but it does make me happy to know people care enough about me to offer that sentiment. Some of these people, I think I would consider friends, but I always wonder what they think of me…deep down…

Okay, I took a side step and veering off the real topic at hand, so let me bring it back to my acceptance of Stephanie.  I’ve noticed, just in the past few days, since I almost had my severe crash, I’ve just been going with the flow of my existence. I need that right now. I’ve just been allowing myself to be.  I read an article the other day about men that are in the process of transitioning to women (I wish I could find the link) have some natural tendencies toward the feminine. I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I have that about me, as well.  Well, the article talked about a lot of these guys have been socialized to lessen their natural behaviors and adopt behaviors that are more related to their birth gender. I began to wonder if I’ve done that, as well.  I decided to try and do some relaxation exercises and allow my mind to free up a little from the stress of my life.

Well, the past two days, I have tried to think about the ways that I have forced myself to NOT be feminine.  One of the things I stopped doing a long time ago is sitting with my knees together or my ankles crossed.  I remember doing that a lot when I was a kid, but as I got older and kids began to be mean and I assumed I had to act a certain way, I began sitting with my legs apart and hunched over.  I noticed the past couple of days, I let that go.  I’m sitting with my back straight, my chin lifted, slightly, my knees together and my toes are pointed in slightly, or I’ve started crossing at my ankles and move my feet slightly underneath me and to one side or the other.  This reminds me of how I used to sit, many years ago.  I also noticed this morning, while working, I had to scrape something out over a trash can and when I looked at myself, I had slightly leaned over and my back was straight and I held my knees together and it felt a little more natural than the way I have been doing it for a while.  I almost felt right with myself.  So, after that I began walking with a little sway to my hips.  I’m not sure if it’s noticeable to anyone else, but it’s making me feel right.  I feel right with myself. I feel a little more feminine.  I’ve even been receiving some tips from a few of you on how to feel and be more feminine. I’ve enjoyed letting go of some of the mental barriers in my mind and I’m kind of starting to embrace this aspect of myself.  My soul feels a little lifted today, and I think it’s because I’m choosing to not question myself.

I am beginning to like Stephanie.

Anxiety: Doubts are My Enemy

Earlier today, I had a silly little panic attack.

You know, those kinds of things that are so little, you feel like pulling your own head off?  The desire to fix something you see as flawed, but knowing full well there is nothing you can do about it and you don’t want to accept the inevitable is the sort of thing that sends people like me into the throes of a whirling, spasmodic, anxious mind. I am not handling myself as well as I thought.  On some level, I feel like I am avoiding everything that is right and living within my own fantasy world.

I came across a blog yesterday, geared specifically to men that want to transform to women.  As I began perusing through the various sections, comments, topics, programs, and other stuff, I quickly came to realize that this “Lucille” woman has struck gold with the obvious business she is engaged – serving crossdressers, transgenders, transsexuals and others of that persuasion.  Granted, I’m not in a position at the present time for me to be committed to anything like this from a financial perspective, so it’s an easy decision for me to not get involved.  But I also began to notice a few other things as I perused the site, and these are the things that began to add up and frustrate me beyond measure – and now that I’ve calmed down, I think I was being silly and stupid.

The first thing I noticed, other than the money, were the pictures of different people in the comments section of the blog posts made.  A lot of these girls did a great job in transforming and some are still looking great in the process.  Well, the thing I noticed, almost immediately, is the fact that some of these girls didn’t have an over-abundance of masculine features to begin with, so I began to think their process was so much easier than mine would ever be.  Some of them had the ability to look like women, and I just don’t. I simply won’t be able to look feminine for a number of reasons that I just don’t want to share right now.

Another thing I noticed is the commitment of time.  I’m so overwhelmed with so many things in my life, I don’t know how I can even begin to make time for anything like this.  Take make-up, for example; I’ve only worn it a time or two and I’m sure I looked more like a side-show freak than anything remotely pretty. So, it’s obvious to me that is a learned skill.  And then, learning to move in a feminine manner, would take some time, I’m sure.  There are other things, when I begin to think about that would take a long time to learn – or unlearn, as the case maybe.  So , the idea that I would be spending so much time doing it, would be consuming.

There are a number of other things that began my thought process into complete and utter negativity. I began to loathe what I was looking at, as an extension of the self-loathing that I tend to do. I did a big no-no and also began comparing myself to some of the others I saw on that site – and, obviously, they all looked so much more feminine than I ever would.

The bottom line is that everything about me is wrong. I’m too manly, I’m too masculine looking, I’m too old to even bother or try. And, how can I even begin, if there is no positive outcome for me? Maybe, I should apply one skill that I learned when attending AA meetings: acceptance.  Maybe I need to just accept myself the way I am…

…I think Stephanie might remain a figment of my imagination, she would never be what I imagine her to be.

S.A.G.E. Test –

So, I did a google search on “What Gender Am I Tests” and found several options.  I found this website that has a pretty detailed test – it took about 30 minutes or so to complete.

The results showed:

S.A.G.E. Test ResultsYour Raw Score is: 565, which indicates that overall you are Feminine

Your appearance is Androgynous

Your brain processes are mostly that of a Androgynous person.

You appear to socialize in a feminine manner.

You believe you have mild conflicts about your gender identity.

You indicated your were born Male.

ANALYSIS:
Male to Female Transsexual, who is a serious candidate for Gender Reassignment Surgery
NOTES:

  • Your Answers indicate your psychological state has likely prevailed since you were quite young.

 

I found this interesting, but I can tell you that I do NOT have an Androgynous appearance.  It seemed to me that some of the questions were somewhat subjective – especially when it came to looks.  Although, some of the questions were dead on.  But Gender Reassignment Surgery????

Yeah…I’m not so sure that would work.  Not that I think it’s bad, but I have doubts about that kind of thing.  But some of the other things it mentioned seemed accurate.

Anyways…I was just having some fun exploration tonight. 🙂

 

Direction, not Motivation.

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I had some goals for myself and I feel like I have side-tracked them and put them on the back burner.  The number one goal I have in my life is to get healthy and I was really beginning to focus on making some lifestyle changes. I had stopped drinking for some time, I began tracking my calories and I began drinking water.  Truthfully, I have been feeling better lately, but I am no where close to achieving my goals.  Sadly, I have put on a little weight that I had previously lost.

I hate to sound like I’m making excuses, but I have been so focused on some other things in my life that have distracted me from the most important thing in my life: me.  I have been adjusting to a new job, tackling the challenges of a marriage that’s failing, addressing my insecurities that have arisen as a result of accepting my sexuality, tackling financial challenges that hit me after being laid of a while back, etc’, etc.  There are a gambit.  But today, as I have a little down time at my work, I realize I have been doing something else that is counter to what I should be focused on.

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A while back, I mentioned that since my marriage was failing, I was going to begin looking for a friendship that might turn into something later.  I don’t know that this is a good place for me to be.  I’m not a “healed” person – emotionally or mentally.  I’ve got some major issues I need to tackle, but I think a lot of those issues will heal, once I am back to working on myself.  The reality is I have let go again.  I noticed it today after working really hard this morning (I have been awake since 3:00 a.m.) – I was famished.  I went into the small trailer provided to me on the jobsite I’m working and sat down to eat something. I’ve been trying to focus on eating 6 small meals per day, but as I finished all 6 meals in one sitting, I realized I have been doing that for a few days.

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You see, I am the kind of person that seems short-lived happiness. I drink, I eat, and I would have sex, if provided.  I have a tough time dealing with my stresses, so I find ways to make myself happy and relieve the stresses in my life. I’ve often made the joke that I am such a sarcastic person that I began eating to keep my mouth busy; apparently I had a shit-ton to say, based on my weight.

Today, I realized it a little.  I am catching myself now, whereas before, I didn’t care.  I want to healthier and I want to lose weight, and I feel like I have to find a way to pull out the happiness that is buried deep inside myself. And I want to find it on my own, because I have this fear that if I end up in another relationship anytime soon, I’m going to be in the same position I was before – looking to make myself happy by making someone else’s happiness my focus. I think this might be a detriment to me in the short term.  Although I have placed a profile in an online dating site, I’m not going to focus on it.

I’ve also been so focused on my sexuality, my gender identity, my self-image, my self-acceptance, that I have forgotten what really matters to me: My whole being.  I feel like I’m in this constant hunt to find people to accept me, because I somehow believe that if you all can love me, regardless of who I sleep with, then I can somehow love myself.  Again, I am so focused on getting others to like me, that I am not living.  I so want to live and I have made this aspect of my personality an utterly important issue.  I can’t ignore it, but I can’t make it my only mission in life.  I think, at this point, it’s only going to matter if I make it matter (That or some hot, ripped guy comes looking for me….or some beautifully gorgeous woman comes looking for me…hahaha!  Just kidding).  The truth of the matter is that I think I’m neglecting some other parts of myself, by being hyper focused on others’ approval of my sexuality and gender – I am who I am and I’m the only one that needs to accept it.  Like I’ve heard so many people say before, “The people that accept you are the only ones that matter.”  So, on some level, I think I’m ready to put that to rest a little.

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I know what I want: I want to focus on my overall self-image. I want to focus on being healthy and fit. I want to eat right. I want to exercise right. I want to feed my mind. I want to feed my soul. I want to feel passion again. I want to do so much. The motivation is in me, what I lack is direction. I need to be efficient about this, because my time is always my limiting factor.

I’m ready to be a baddass bitch! (Or mother-fucker, depending on the day!)

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For the time being, I’ll be working to find direction in my life!