I had some goals for myself and I feel like I have side-tracked them and put them on the back burner. The number one goal I have in my life is to get healthy and I was really beginning to focus on making some lifestyle changes. I had stopped drinking for some time, I began tracking my calories and I began drinking water. Truthfully, I have been feeling better lately, but I am no where close to achieving my goals. Sadly, I have put on a little weight that I had previously lost.
I hate to sound like I’m making excuses, but I have been so focused on some other things in my life that have distracted me from the most important thing in my life: me. I have been adjusting to a new job, tackling the challenges of a marriage that’s failing, addressing my insecurities that have arisen as a result of accepting my sexuality, tackling financial challenges that hit me after being laid of a while back, etc’, etc. There are a gambit. But today, as I have a little down time at my work, I realize I have been doing something else that is counter to what I should be focused on.
A while back, I mentioned that since my marriage was failing, I was going to begin looking for a friendship that might turn into something later. I don’t know that this is a good place for me to be. I’m not a “healed” person – emotionally or mentally. I’ve got some major issues I need to tackle, but I think a lot of those issues will heal, once I am back to working on myself. The reality is I have let go again. I noticed it today after working really hard this morning (I have been awake since 3:00 a.m.) – I was famished. I went into the small trailer provided to me on the jobsite I’m working and sat down to eat something. I’ve been trying to focus on eating 6 small meals per day, but as I finished all 6 meals in one sitting, I realized I have been doing that for a few days.
You see, I am the kind of person that seems short-lived happiness. I drink, I eat, and I would have sex, if provided. I have a tough time dealing with my stresses, so I find ways to make myself happy and relieve the stresses in my life. I’ve often made the joke that I am such a sarcastic person that I began eating to keep my mouth busy; apparently I had a shit-ton to say, based on my weight.
Today, I realized it a little. I am catching myself now, whereas before, I didn’t care. I want to healthier and I want to lose weight, and I feel like I have to find a way to pull out the happiness that is buried deep inside myself. And I want to find it on my own, because I have this fear that if I end up in another relationship anytime soon, I’m going to be in the same position I was before – looking to make myself happy by making someone else’s happiness my focus. I think this might be a detriment to me in the short term. Although I have placed a profile in an online dating site, I’m not going to focus on it.
I’ve also been so focused on my sexuality, my gender identity, my self-image, my self-acceptance, that I have forgotten what really matters to me: My whole being. I feel like I’m in this constant hunt to find people to accept me, because I somehow believe that if you all can love me, regardless of who I sleep with, then I can somehow love myself. Again, I am so focused on getting others to like me, that I am not living. I so want to live and I have made this aspect of my personality an utterly important issue. I can’t ignore it, but I can’t make it my only mission in life. I think, at this point, it’s only going to matter if I make it matter (That or some hot, ripped guy comes looking for me….or some beautifully gorgeous woman comes looking for me…hahaha! Just kidding). The truth of the matter is that I think I’m neglecting some other parts of myself, by being hyper focused on others’ approval of my sexuality and gender – I am who I am and I’m the only one that needs to accept it. Like I’ve heard so many people say before, “The people that accept you are the only ones that matter.” So, on some level, I think I’m ready to put that to rest a little.
I know what I want: I want to focus on my overall self-image. I want to focus on being healthy and fit. I want to eat right. I want to exercise right. I want to feed my mind. I want to feed my soul. I want to feel passion again. I want to do so much. The motivation is in me, what I lack is direction. I need to be efficient about this, because my time is always my limiting factor.
I’m ready to be a baddass bitch! (Or mother-fucker, depending on the day!)
For the time being, I’ll be working to find direction in my life!