…for all that He has done for me?” (Psalm 116: 12)
Truthfully, I’m struggling with gratitude, lately, but I also believe that my attempt to focus on a higher power and praying daily is a step. I am struggling with understanding my true nature, but I am hopeful that my willingness to live each day as it comes demonstrates my gratitude for life…
I’m feeling anxiety and depression coming on…
I think I’m going to step away from being online for a little bit today, to see if I can re-group. If you haven’t already done so, I would be honored if any more people are interested in participating in my contest.
I’ll be back, but I need a little break sweet people of WordPress. ❤ 😦
I slept last night.
I slept hard last night.
I slept the kind of sleep I truly needed last night.
I feel so refreshed this morning.
Are any of my problems solved? BWAHAHAHAHA! Of course not, but I do feel a little better. I have a little pep in my step and a smile on my pretty face (What? I can dream, right?)! I don’t know why I get like that sometimes, but I think I was sick and miserable last night and it just made me feel the most awful things. But I’m not going to say “I hate it”, because it’s not necessary – who actually LIKES feeling that way?
Although, I don’t know where my life will lead me at the moment, I do know what I need to do for this moment and that is what I need to focus on. I was trying to take on so many things and trying to accomplish so much, but at some point, I have to recognize that this moment is the only one that matters. This moment is the only one that requires a decision. And the decision I need to focus on at this very moment, is if I am going to choose to move onto the next moment.
And you know what? I did it! I made it to the next moment. I know, I know…it’s kind of silly, but maybe that’s just what I need to do right now. Maybe right now, I just need to let the world happen the way it’s going to happen and I just need to live each moment as it comes. I need peace. I need serenity. I need love – especially a love for myself.
I had so many of you, once again, offer so many words of encouragement. I had so many of you, once again, comfort me and let me know everything is going to be alright. Once again, so many of you, said many kind things. I even received emails offering the same things. I even had an offer of a prayer and I gladly took it. Although, I’ve been apprehensive about that kind of thing, it actually might have helped me. I appreciate all the friends I have here on WordPress and I feel surrounded by love and compassion. I truly appreciate it.
And now, I’ve got tears in my eyes…
Although, not unheard of, it has been rare in the past several years for me to wake up in a good mood. Today is a day that I woke up in a good mood and I think there are a number of factors contributing the mood. But today, my mind is set on accomplishments – I remember a time, where I had a clear mind and had definitive answers when asked the question, “What are your top five accomplishments in life?” For me, it’s a bit of a struggle now to recognize those, but I knew what they were at one time. I know that each day for me, feels like an accomplishment, so I would claim my current top five accomplishments as:
Of course, I’m having a little tongue-in-cheek fun today, but it’s fun to think about. On a serious note, I’d like to interact with all of you and ask you this question:
What are your three greatest accomplishments?
My last post smelled like desperation, didn’t it?
Well, I don’t like that smell. It’s pungent and overpowering. Truthfully, I’d rather smell like roses or some other pretty flower, but I’m not so sure that’ll happen. Maybe I’ll settle for something in the middle – like the smell of cinnamon?
It’s entirely allegorical, mind you.
The reality is that I am not in a sane place right now. My thoughts are all over the place and I can’t seem to focus. I’m torn between all the things that have tormented me for so long and I can’t seem to find the place to put my feet on a path that I am comfortable. My mind is plagued with constant negativity and I feel trapped by all the pressures of my life. And I don’t like it.
I don’t like it one bit.
(Why do I hear Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” in my head?)
On all accounts, one might think me hopeless, or that I have given up hope. But the reality is I am pissed off. I find myself just angry and irritable and bitter and bogged down with the fact that I feel helpless. I hate that feeling.
I’m frantic to find some happiness, something to look forward to doing (Hence why I briefly considered finding a boyfriend outside my marriage). I can’t remember the last time I was excited to go to work or happy to be alive. Although I have said it before, there is something missing from my life that I can’t seem to comprehend. I’m not suicidal, or even thinking of giving up. I’m just sick of wasting my efforts on things that don’t seem to get me anywhere.
I want to feel alive.
I want to smell like damned roses!
By education, I am a scientist. Solving problems have been something I have always been adept at doing. I used to have the frame of mind that logic wins out over emotions in any situation…
…except when the biggest problems you’re facing are the emotional problems. And yet, a logical approach isn’t really such a bad idea – especially when the logic is to address the emotions.
So, I’m going to be somewhat raw in what I actually dislike about myself, that I believe are things within my control. Because, I know a lot of the things I say – when Hilda comes out – are merely symptoms of the problem. I want to be at a place where I like myself and part of liking yourself comes from feeling good about yourself. I’m not going to be complete in the things I dislike – I posted before on the topic; I don’t want to overwhelm myself, but there are some major ones that must be addressed immediately:
- Drinking. I have to face the reality on this. I know I like beer – hell, I really enjoy it. But I have gone from enjoying it to actually using it as the excuse to hide my feelings. It’s being used as a crutch to help me get through the day. I know people believe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), but I’m not so sure on the idea. I still believe I have the power of choice, and I need to feel that power or else I’ll never feel good about myself. I am glad that they have those meetings all over, but let’s face it, I’m not so sure I believe in the same things most of them believe in… I can not admit that I have lost the power over the so-called first drink (I dunno…step 1 or 2 of AA’s 12 step program). No, I’m the one who made the decision, so it’s got to be me that sees it through.
- My Weight. Here’s the thing, I’m extremely ashamed to admit it. I don’t know if I’m ashamed because of the shock value it may have or the fact that I know, deep down, I know that this is my fault. I stopped caring about myself, I stopped caring about the things I enjoy and the things I loved. I eat my feelings and I eat my resentment, because the truth of the matter is that I seek quick comfort when things feel overwhelming. But here is it. When I was in high school, I weighed 160 lbs. I began weight lifting in college and when I was 23, I was 210 lbs. I was rock solid and all muscle. I worked out constantly and ate everything that was healthy. I would only drink occasionally, and sugar was rarely in my diet. I ate a lot of fruit, a lot of lean meat and a lot of vegetables. However, 20 years later is a completely different story – one that involved me hating myself and taking it out on myself. I can give you all of the gory details of my self-degradation, but the why isn’t nearly as important as the end-result. A whopping 273 pounds – which is not my heaviest of 278 pounds, but damned close. So, I need to change this.
- My attitude. That’s right, when I look back on my life, I was happiest when I was healthiest. As my health, mind and body deteriorated, so did my attitude (Actually, the attitude is the source, I’m sure). I have found plenty of advice in counseling/therapy, plenty of support here and very little at home. There are people you should trust with your problems and then their are people you should just know better. I am not comfortable with the idea that my spouse is not my soul mate, but then again, maybe the only thing that’s important is where I am at and not where I have been. I can no longer be upset with people who are mean, if I choose to participate in the bullshit. I have to rise above, if for no other reason that I don’t like living in shit. Seriously, it’s the perfect analogy, if I do say so myself.
- Self-Acceptance. I’m listing this as last, although it is really a summary of everything. I mentioned today, that I felt I have made my worst mistake 15 years ago and I want other people to accept me as I am and yet I haven’t accepted myself. Also, I need to keep working towards the fact that I can control some things in my life and I don’t need to make excuses for these things. I own this life, it’s mine! I whine and cry about my depression, I whine and cry about my anxiety, I whine and cry about my marriage, I whine and cry about my sexuality and gender, but what I don’t do is embrace myself. Fuck it! I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t like misery – just like I told someone else this week. I don’t want to live in the miserable world that person lives in any longer. If I want to be happy, then I need to be happy with myself and that means with everything. Yes, I’m probably a little bit gender-fluid (as I’ve heard the term used). Sometimes I am love my masculine nature and my stereo-typical male attitude; but sometimes, I need to feel like a pretty woman. I have a paradox of needing to exhibit my male-ness and other times, I need to shave my legs and put on a skirt. Yes, I have enjoyed sex with guys and girls – sometimes I’ve enjoyed it, sometimes I didn’t. I have accomplished things others haven’t, and yet I am not as accomplished as others – so the fuck what? All I need to know is that I liked it. Yes, I fucked up in a lot of ways in life; but if I’m honest with myself, I’ve rocked this mutha-fucker too! So, I will accept the bad…but more importantly, I need to accept the good!
The bottom line is that I have not climbed out of this pit I’m in, because I keep throwing the rope back up. I’m a beautiful person (So, I’ve been told), and I deserve to let my inner-beauty shine a little more, so it’s time I come out of the muck!
And for starters, I’ll tell you all my real name and social security number, as well as what my home address is…
…just kidding! 😀
But I will develop myself an action plan to a better me. And I’m going to embrace all aspects of my personality.
There is nothing worse than not knowing what the fuck I want, nor what the fuck makes me happy.