Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

Treating myself…What do you think?

So, my family is nuts.  I’ve got cousins that are upset that my mom didn’t call them by such and such time to inform them that they should have been notified about such and such activity with the funeral.  It drives me nuts when people make things about themselves…

…sigh…

Okay, done ranting.  So, I took a little break today from all the family stuff and went shopping.  I both this skirt, these tights and these shoes. I also got a red, sleeveless knitted shirt to go with it, but I didn’t put it in the picture.  This is kind of a big step for me, and I just kind of wanted to share it with you all…  What do you think?  IT really made me feel super girly! I’m really beginning to love Stephanie. 🙂 ❤ Is it wrong that I took some time to myself today and went shopping? I just needed a little break…ya know?

skirt2  skirt3  skirt4heels

I’m not very good at selfies, but I tried.  I’m not going to dress-up for the funeral – other than what everyone would expect. It would be really selfish and shocking to come out in that way, but I feel a little empowered by myself for a change.

 

Playful Email Exchanges

Within the last couple of weeks, I’ve had a couple of email exchanges that kind of surprised me.  I’ve had a few guys email me and express their interest in me…um…sexually…as Stephanie.  And I have to admit, it’s been a little exciting and I easily liked some of the exchanges. I liked that I was treated as if I am Stephanie and these guys are fully aware of who/what I am.  On some level, it encourages me that I might still be able to find love someday and it encourages me that, in spite of everything, I can be appreciated for the person I am.

I read another post today discussing cyber-sex. Often times I have pondered cyber-sex and if it is right or wrong.  I have debated it almost as if it is another example of my being as an issue of right or wrong.  I would be lying, if I said I didn’t appreciate the attention I got from the guys that have emailed me.  Actually, it would be a monstrous lie, because I really loved the attention.  I don’t know if it had anything to do with my more feminine nature, I don’t know if it’s because I mentioned I am going to be getting a divorce and I don’t know if I’m reading into it, but since I started expressing myself as Stephanie, I have received more interest in me than ever before while having this blog.  But, without thinking about it too much, I have to admit that it was exciting and fun.  I recognize, however, that these have been short lived exchanges and some of them went well and some of them didn’t, but it made me feel more like…myself. It made me feel a little more at ease.

I have other things going on in my mind today – especially since I’ve had some heartfelt realizations over this past weekend – but I don’t know how to sort them out just yet, so it’s hard to discuss them.  I do know, however, thinking about the attention I have been getting from some guys lately, has me a little…silly, stupid, goofy, bashful, excited, free, encouraged, positive, humorous, giddy, energetic, scary, flirty, worried, etc., etc.  The emotions come pouring out…

But how real can any of it be…?

Self-Pampering shall commence!

I’ve been working for the past couple of weeks in the dirtiest, grimy, icky place in the world – okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s close.  And there are some things I am absolutely dying to do and I’ve decided I’m no longer holding back my true nature – whatever that might be.  And I’ve decided I’m in need of some serious girlie treatment!

So, here are some of the things I intend to do over the next few days.  Number one is my feet…omg, they are so gross. My toenails look like claws, so I’ve got a pedicure planned and I’m going to get the manicure to go along with it.  And since it’s spring, I’m even thinking of having some light pink toe nail polish put on.  I’m almost giddy thinking about it.  It’s also been a while since I shaved my legs, so I’m going to do that tonight. (Okay, I just looked at that link and it was July that I posted that, but it hasn’t been that long since I last shaved my legs, but it needs to be done!). I’m actually, strongly considering having my entire body waxed…but that is sooooo expensive. But I really am curious how that feels and I think I kinda deserve to feel a little more on the outside the way I do on the inside.  I’ve also had a WordPress friend suggest I start shopping for skin care products. I admit, I’m at a loss on what to get and what to buy, since I have only used some lotions. And then maybe some shopping…

Oh my gosh, it has been so long since I have tried on a dress. But I am in a super huge mood to go dress shopping and I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me – you know someone that can spot if something looks good or not on you.  I get a certain level of anxiety thinking about it, but it is so exciting to me.  There are so many things to choose from and I have to admit, I don’t know what would be age appropriate for me.  I feel like I have forgotten all about myself over the years. I feel like I deserve a dress. I feel like I deserve something fun, flirty and expressive to just show off a little.  I’m like…literally shaking thinking about it. Today, I feel like something like this would work. OR what about this one?  OMG, this one is really cute too! Oh…and underwear. I need new panties too.

I’m so excited for some time to relax you guys. I’m going to embrace Stephanie – I’ve decided she is a part of me and sometimes I need to express it.  Do any of you have any suggestions for me on how to enjoy my girly time? ❤

I’m so in love with myself today. Is that wrong to say???

AJ: Missy

You guys have no idea what you’re doing for my ego. I’m almost going to cry…

I am being inundated with so many feminine compliments, descriptors, names and all that goes into the kinds of things other girls say to girls. I love it!  I’m riding high today and it’s because of so many of you. Some of you have flat quit calling me by my real name in emails and have began calling me Steph or Stephanie all the time. I have a friend that just keeps me feeling like her little princess. I’ve even had a couple of guys email me and flirt with me, knowing everything you all do. And today, one of you were encouraging me and said, “…you are making great strides, Missy”

I absolutely love it!  It makes me feel so much like a girl! Although, I know I’ll never actually be a woman, I absolutely love that none of you let me think otherwise. I just wish I could give you all a big hug! It encourages me so much to have my friends thionk of me this way!

This missy is loving it!

AJ: Reminder

I saw this user’s post with Pink in the meme.  I absolutely love the quote, but there is something else a little ironic/coincidental about this post.  I sent the blogger a message informing her that I love Pink (I have a girl crush on her…) and mentioned that in my fantasies of being a girl, she is the image I have for myself!  This wonderful woman actually told me she posted it thinking of me!

How awesome is that?!?!?!

Maybe I really do like my inner Stephanie. 🙂

A little change I noticed in myself…

When I began this current blog, I had posted that I had previous blogs before.  For some reason, however, I have begun to accept myself way more than I used to.  And in one of my previous blogs, I had a post about saying the word “cute”, among other things.  Well, I was mentioning how “cute” is just not something a straight man would say, and I felt it was an example of the fact that I am innately bisexual with some feminine tendencies.  Well, over the past few days, as I began to reveal my inner Stephanie, I have also began to recognize something else I have been saying a lot.  I’m not sure when it started – maybe a few weeks ago, although I have said it before – but it is something I used to intentionally suppress. It’s quite similar to my use of the word “cute” actually.

I’m not sure if there is definitive psychology behind the use of certain words as a choice, but I would suspect that women tend to choose words that imbue a sense of feeling, where as men probably choose words that are more concrete.  (If there are any psychologists in the house, I would love to hear their opinions on the matter).  But I can’t help to assume that this is the case. And since, I have always felt their was a dichotomy to my gender, I can’t help but think that suppressing some of my word choices is not all that healthy. But the positive thing to get out of this, I think, is that I am starting to free my mind a little to use phrases and expressions a little more freely – to express the part of me that is feminine.

And you know what? I’m fucking loving it!

So, what are the things I’m saying and doing?

Well, I have been using “cute” again. I’m also referring to people as “sweet” – like, I’ve been using that term with guys too and it just feels right to use it.  For example, I’ve had a couple of make followers compliment me or say something nice to me and I feel completely liberated in calling these gentleman “sweet”. Obviously, I say it to my girlfriends on here too, but that is always easier, I think.  But to have a guy say something nice to me and me turn and tell him, “That was sweet of you” just makes me feel happy. I am also using little heart symbols and little flower symbols, simply because I am able to feel a little more girly.

I know ya’ll are probably sick of hearing me go on and on about me accepting my feminine nature, but those of you that are putting up with me, I really appreciate you all “being so sweet”!