Torn

Wait little string.

Do not run away

From the seam.

Tucked away in

The flowery frill.

Hiding, hoping

Not to unravel.

What a dress?!

Only briefly worn.

To come out for

A summer night.

Joyfully laughing,

Unaware,

The pending doom.

The fray begins,

Unsheveling the

Feminine fabric.

Zipping along

The seam no longer

Held.

Vainly trying

To hold it together.

Watching it fall

Apart, revealing

A heart so

Torn.

Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

Aaaaagggggghhhhhh…..!!!!

I’m not sure what to think anymore. The last time I posted, I was pretty sure what direction I needed to take my life. In fact, I even went to confession again today. I confessed not understanding how to accept my life and wanting something different than what is given to me. The priest, ever so kind in his words, expressed that I was experiencing a spiritual battle and I was losing because I wasn’t allowing God to fight the battle.

Okay, I get it…get out of God’s way…

And then, I went to watch a concert with a local band at an outside venue. And i couldn’t resist…there were so many girls wearing cute summer dresses and I began imagining myself in those dresses. So, so, so, so cuuuuute! I wish I had my camera ready to capture some pictures. So cute! And I found myself, instantly jealous and wishing to be Stephanie again. I just really love dresses.

I’m so confused…

Self-Pampering shall commence!

I’ve been working for the past couple of weeks in the dirtiest, grimy, icky place in the world – okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s close.  And there are some things I am absolutely dying to do and I’ve decided I’m no longer holding back my true nature – whatever that might be.  And I’ve decided I’m in need of some serious girlie treatment!

So, here are some of the things I intend to do over the next few days.  Number one is my feet…omg, they are so gross. My toenails look like claws, so I’ve got a pedicure planned and I’m going to get the manicure to go along with it.  And since it’s spring, I’m even thinking of having some light pink toe nail polish put on.  I’m almost giddy thinking about it.  It’s also been a while since I shaved my legs, so I’m going to do that tonight. (Okay, I just looked at that link and it was July that I posted that, but it hasn’t been that long since I last shaved my legs, but it needs to be done!). I’m actually, strongly considering having my entire body waxed…but that is sooooo expensive. But I really am curious how that feels and I think I kinda deserve to feel a little more on the outside the way I do on the inside.  I’ve also had a WordPress friend suggest I start shopping for skin care products. I admit, I’m at a loss on what to get and what to buy, since I have only used some lotions. And then maybe some shopping…

Oh my gosh, it has been so long since I have tried on a dress. But I am in a super huge mood to go dress shopping and I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me – you know someone that can spot if something looks good or not on you.  I get a certain level of anxiety thinking about it, but it is so exciting to me.  There are so many things to choose from and I have to admit, I don’t know what would be age appropriate for me.  I feel like I have forgotten all about myself over the years. I feel like I deserve a dress. I feel like I deserve something fun, flirty and expressive to just show off a little.  I’m like…literally shaking thinking about it. Today, I feel like something like this would work. OR what about this one?  OMG, this one is really cute too! Oh…and underwear. I need new panties too.

I’m so excited for some time to relax you guys. I’m going to embrace Stephanie – I’ve decided she is a part of me and sometimes I need to express it.  Do any of you have any suggestions for me on how to enjoy my girly time? ❤

I’m so in love with myself today. Is that wrong to say???

The Opposite Gender: A Wish, A Reality, A Fantasy?

Today, I was perusing other blog’s posts and came across this post that posed an intriguing question (Okay, so I’m intrigued, but maybe you are too): What if you were born the opposite sex? This topic is something I deal with in my own blog posts, as you can see here and here. I have been referred to as someone “struggling with gender-identity”, someone that is “gender-fluid”, or what some Native American tribes might refer to as “two-spirited”. I can honestly say that, for me, I have experienced a more profound exploration of the “opposite gender” than merely contemplating the thought experiment. Certainly, I have had dreams (Maybe I’ll write a post about my dreams, sometime…) where I was a woman. I’ve played dress-up, as a kid, and have enjoyed a dress or two – or some other feminine ways to dress. So, in a short answer to this blogger’s question: Yes, I have thought about it, but there is more to it for me.

I have always felt a dualistic nature to both my sexuality and my gender. Exploring these two topics over the past few years have really filled me with strong emotions, regrets, tragic feelings, but hope. I am coming to a greater understanding and acceptance of myself, in spite of suppressing all of these things for the majorit of my life. As you can see from some of the links I’ve provided above, I have enjoyed exploring the more feminine side of myself. I have had people on here embrace me, as if I were a girl, I have enjoyed the references indicating that I’m female. And yet, I’m still able to be happily male.  I have pondered what changing my gender would mean, but I am definitively and outwardly male and masculine – there is simply a lot about me you can’t hide. For me the duality is the concept of having characteristics that are stereotypically common to both genders. Likewise, my sexuality tends to incorporate a more opposing aspect to me gender – for example, I feel feminine when I’m with a guy and I feel masculine when I’m with a woman. My attractions mold to a stereotypical gender identity too – I’m attracted to feminine women and masculine men (though, this isn’t a hardened matter, I am felixble).

As many of you have witnessed, my self-acceptance is not without struggle. This is a matter that truly bothers me. For example, bisexuals are the demographic that are among the highest rates of mental health problems. There are distinct risks that bisexuals face, as well, such as not being widely accepted in either the straight community or the LGBT community, stereotypes that neither straights nor homosexuals have to face, and there are inherent romantic risks (A different topic and a different post, sometime). I have, personally, dealt with matters concerning my sexuality and gender-identity that have made me ponder how much I even like myself. I’m getting past some of this (a lot of it has to do with the wide acceptance I receive from all of you) with plenty of help, but it’s still uncomfortable. But since I have never come-out on a wide basis, most of the emotional impacts have been experienced privately and alone.

I am coming to terms with the fact that I exhibit characteristics of both genders. I value the fact that I can be considered a human being, in spite of the fact that I don’t fit the socio-standard ‘mold’. I enjoy that the girls on WordPress include me as ‘one of the girls’; I appreciate that the guys on WordPress don’t want to punch me in the face and ‘make me man-up’. I appreciate that I can be accepted for the roles that I fill as a man, and I am comfortable with the feminine nature I have, as well.  Thankfully, I’m more at peace with myself, than I have ever been in the past, with respect to my gender and sexuality.