An explanation…

I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.

I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.

I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.

But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.

I was removed from a project I was working on.  Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working.  When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again).  I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected.  This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.

But it made me panic, because of a number of things.  I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago.  I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc.  I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again.  I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had.  And I felt like I got back to this company by  the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.

But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.

And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.

I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything.  I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here.  I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money.  And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…

I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex.  I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).

And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…

I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously.  Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…

But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it.  It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal.  I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.

I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.

I think an episode is back…

Although, my depressive episodes don’t feel or seem to be as severe as they once were, they still come. Today I’m feeling a continuation of yesterday, except I have gone to the doctor’s office like planned. And I received some encouraging news from my doctor, but I’m not feeling excited about it in the least. I have lost weight, my HbA1c has dropped 1.3% (That is a MAJOR accomplishment, trust me!), and the doctor is pleased with some of the positive changes I have made in my life.

But I’m not excited…  And I’m a little burned out being so concentrated on my health lately.

I’m feeling blah…

So, blah, I don’t even know how to explain it.

I’m feeling so blah, I don’t want to write everything I’m feeling, for fear it’ll create a focus on my negativity at the moment.

I think, today, I’ll just try to get through…

 

Lacking Emotional Motivation…

One of the things I have noticed most about my mental health is the constant, never-ending ebb and flow of my emotions.  I can go from such extreme highs to such extreme lows. I enjoy the highs so much, because I feel happy and energetic and motivated, but days like today I wake up wondering if there is a point to any of this thing we call life.  I have a few stressors (sometimes referred to as “triggers”) at the moment and I’m trying to decide how to address them all.

I’ve spent a little too much out of my monthly budget this month. I’m currently about $600 over what I need to spend this month.  Normally, it’s not a major deal for me to make-up a difference like that, by taking on my part time job – I drive for a couple of ride-shares. The problem is that I don’t feel like doing it, since I have this week off, before heading back to my normal job.  I want to be able to relax and enjoy some days off, before going back to work.  I already have errands I need to get done and I have to do some home maintenance kind of things to prepare for the summer.  Time and money are NOT my friends this month. In fact, I think they are both evil-bitches!

Another thing I’m irritated about today is working on my BYJ. Today’s exercise is something to do with not having unrealistic comparisons to others. It goes on to mention that the Beauty Industry is unrealistic and the author suggests Google (or other search engine) search “Photoshop before and after images”.  It’s pretty amazing the transformations people can have when using a tool like Photoshop. Granted, I saw some amazing differences with some of the images, but I found that there were some that only minor changes had been made.  For me – and what is triggering me – is that it’s making me feel like I am never going to be what I would like to be and I want to accept it, but I just don’t know how.  What I don’t want to do, however, is have another emotional meltdown over something so obvious.

And it creates in me the inner turmoil I constantly fight over my sexuality… On the one had, I used to feel like I was coming to greater resolution with my sexuality – accepting it as it is – I am capable of loving either a woman or a man. I felt like I was at a point where being who I was as a bisexual man was feeling “okay”, but as I began to explore this within myself, I found myself more comfortable with my sexuality in terms of my gender-identity. I have always felt feminine, although I did a damned good job hiding it behind my masculinity. Or did I?  I take comfort in some aspects of feeling feminine, but there are other aspects that simply remind me how far removed I am from being a woman.

Another thing setting my mind into negativity today is that I have a routine check-up at the doctor’s office today – specifically with my endocrinologist.  (I’m a type 1 diabetic, for those of you who don’t know. I have had insulin dependent diabetes since I was 8 years old – about 36 years). I do this every 3 – 4 months, as a nice reminder how I’m not healthy.  Okay….um…that’s my interpretation, and not the doctor’s.  I had some goals I wanted to accomplish the last time I was in and I’m frustrated that I haven’t accomplished them.  I am 6 pounds down from the last time I went, but I was hoping for 10-15 pounds down.  I do believe my blood sugars are better than last time, but they are still not where they need to be.  I have also realized that the last time I went, I was not drinking at all and I have started again…even if, not as much.  I also realized, that there are two medications I am supposed to take regularly, that have been sporadic on. Again, I’m doing better than before, but it’s still sporadic.

I think the only saving grace I feel, right now, is that I have been walking. I have been making it a point to walk on a daily basis. I know I want to change things, but I also know I am no where near as wonderful as I once thought I was…hahaha!  But I receive encouragement and I am trying, really hard, to make some changes in my life.  But with everything I am waking up to today, I just feel overwhelmed and burdened. I feel responsibility on my shoulders at all times and I feel kind of alone in all of this.

And to top it off, I received a phone call from my maybe-soon-to-be-ex last night.  We argued, of course, about how much responsibility is mine over the failure of our marriage. I’m now at a point where I have lost my desire to care. I listened to the ranting for an hour and when I was asked what I had to say, I simply and calmly said, “I have no idea why anyone would stay or be married to the person you described me as… I would end it immediately.” And I hung up. I guess, if you hate someone, then it’s your own responsibility to choose to stay or not, right?

All I know, today, is that I have to get through it and I haven’t figured out how. There are so many days where I wish someone would do it for me. But I know this is my life, this is my challenge, this is my chance to come out on top…

…some way, some how.

 

Detached from Reality

Last night, I was reading someone else’s blog and a statement was made about living life online too much (I’m paraphrasing, but the mention is important), rather than experiencing relationships in real life. And it hit me that I might be someone that lacks “real” relationships, because the overwhelming majority of my friendships are online.  In fact, I haven’t done anything – lunch, telephone call, anything – with a real friend in a long, long, long time. As I write this post, I sit back in my chair, cross my legs for the moment and try to think about the last time I’ve had a conversation with someone I am not related to or online and I am sad to say, I can’t really remember. I do almost all of my communication with some sort of digital device too.

And, the more I think about it, the anxiety being created in my mind is starting to manifest on a physiological level too – I’m starting to breath hard.  There is something scary to me about real life, I think. I used to be so engaged, so energetic, so much fun to be around, but I have become a hermit – practically a shut-in. I have always been a likeable person, so I don’t understand why I don’t just go make friends with people.  I try to think of all the reasons why I became detached, but I think the reality of it all is that I tend to escape from the things I struggle handling.

Take the bout of alcohol fueled escapism I participated.  I would drink to solely numb my mind, to ease any emotional pain I felt. I wanted to hide from the world, my job, my family, life. I found so much escape in drinking, I found so much self-medicating the emotional sicknesses I had. There was an answer to everything, if I could just have another drink.  Eventually, I found that there was no end…the pain, emotions, everything still existed. I was only destroying myself.

The detachment from real life is obvious in my online life, as well.  I can create whatever I want in virtual reality. Stephanie is real, my sexuality is real, my love of life is real, my ability to form friendships is real, the connections I have with people online are real.  Or are they?  Have I just found another way to exist without existing? I can say, I’ve found ways to do my job, without giving up any online activity. I’ve found ways to be online to avoid doing things that are important. I’ve replaced things I love, because I felt I needed to be online and “express myself”. But for what? What benefit?  The benefit in my mind?

I remember being at an AA meeting and hearing a guy say, “When I drink, my values changed…”  And sometimes I wonder if the internet has been an addiction of mine. I ponder what values and morals mean, in the scheme of life. I can easily recite parts of the Catechism of the Catholic Church to you about some topics and the moral obligations we are supposed to have as human beings – things I don’t ascribe to anymore.  But have I allowed myself to be changed and influenced by the things I see online?

Values and morals?  The topic is one all on its own and can’t be covered in one blog post, that’s for sure. To some there are Moral Absolutes; to others, there is Moral Relativity. What are mine?  I used to adopt the ones of my upbringing, I used to believe in those as solid as my core – sometimes to spite some of the other feelings I had about life and people – or was I simply trying to convince myself? I’ve read some blogs lately that have me pondering my very existence, as well, and sometimes I think my morals and values have changed and need to be sent back to what they were before. But have I gone to far?

What I know, is that I contemplate things a lot (As if none of you knew that), and I want nothing more than to feel the happiness I felt before. That happiness of knowing I’m on the right path in life, that feeling that people like me (I know many of you DO like me, but I’m referring to the feeling and not the knowledge), that idea that the things I do matters to someone – anyone; these things seem to escape me now and I wonder, at times if I have simply become too detached. Am I online way too much? Is this my alcohol?

Online is different than real life. I have said things, done things, shown things, shared things, discussed things that would have never been done in real life. I have become different online than I have in real life. I lose my inhibitions online that I maintain in real life. This always leaves me pondering if any of this is worth it. Am I playing with my own mind and happiness? And there have been times when I could not keep the mind I have online different than the mind I have in real life, but were they ever separate to begin with?

I have had these feelings and thoughts before and they typically come with me shutting down my existence online. I go away. I’ve done it before. I disconnect. I then feel ashamed, I run back to Church, I see a priest and confess everything I feel is a sin and a sinful way to live. I’m welcomed back and people I know in real life – knowing nothing about me online – accepted me fully because they know nothing about the way I am. There are times, when I feel that the best I’ve ever felt were the times I participated in real life. But those were also times, that I never felt the way I do now. Those were times, washed away in the past, but it’s the only comparison I have to what happy feels like.

Now, as I’m writing this, my mind is starting to fire off like rockets. The thoughts are going every direction again, and it is becoming difficult to think again. And I need to begin to concentrate, but I don’t know why?

Maybe it’s time for me to go and figure out my life…

Look Forward to Something?

I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

It just struck me this morning, as I began to contemplate the source of my frustrations last night. All I do is work, and working for the past year has left me incredibly lonely. I have not been involved in any of the things I used to love in quite some time.  I try and find passion in those things, but I can’t anymore.  I have a general feeling of, “None of it really matters…”

My thoughts are kinda scattered as I try and put these feelings into words…

But, my only social interaction is here…on WordPress. I don’t even know that I know how to have a real conversation anymore.  I feel disconnected, like I have burrowed into myself to protect any sentiment of feelings I have left. I’ve given in and taken calls from my wife. There is always something in me that looks for hope that there is a better tomorrow, yet there is so much toxicity there. And not all of it is hers, I’m sure.

I feel like an utterly damaged person. I destroy blogs even, and create new ones, trying to make sense of my world.    I have a love-hate relationship with my sexuality. I can’t seem to find the peace and serenity that is promised by a God that I do not understand, nor accept. I know there is someway, some how that I can find myself coming out of this dark cloud that I wandered into years ago.

I mentioned I feel like direction would do me good. How do I find that?  There was a time when I was directed, motivated, ambitious and knew what I wanted out of life. But now I am lost.  I have no idea how to get where I feel comfortable with myself.  I don’t know how to get to a point where I don’t want to rip my own head off and throw it down the street to see how far it’ll roll.  I don’t know how to set my priorities anymore…it’s like I’ve forgotten what should be the most important.

I am not thrilled with my job. It’s with a great employer, and it’s a job I’ve done before, but I had busted my ass off so hard to NOT do this job anymore and now I’m back in it. I know I’m lacking patience, but I used to have things to look forward to as a way of dealing with stress. Now, I don’t know what to look forward to.  Any goals I had for life, just seem insurmountable and too many.

I don’t like any of this.

I don’t like me, right now.

I don’t like my life right now.

And I’m on a fucking repeat…because I’ve said this all before.

But I’m sick of it.

I’m truly sick of the fact that my life has become nothing but work and no play, nothing but trying to get out of the hole I feel like I’m in. I just want to enjoy something….anything…

My thoughts are completely sporadic, not clear and going 100 million miles per hour in a billion different directions. When will it stop?