Cycles of Depression – Now I’m pissed off.

Warning: Don’t read , if you fucking don’t like the fucking eff word, because I’m going to fucking say it and there’s not fuck you can fucking do about it, so there!

My very last posting indicated a huge crash in my psychological demeanor and it hit me worse than anything I have ever felt.  I thought this was the one that would send me over the edge and require me to seek some emergency help.  I didn’t feel like it was going to go away.  One of the things I’ve noticed about my depressive episodes lately, is that they do not last as long as they used to, but their severity feels so much worse. The depths I sink to now are completely dark and lonely beyond anything I know how to describe, but they are quickly over. The only thing is, they are much more frequent now than they used to be, but I have noticed another feeling that comes immediately after the depressive episode:


Intense, hell hath no fury, hide while you still have a chance, ugly, heated, anger. I feel it well up inside of me, and I began a tirade in my head about the things I deserve and the things that are not right that I’m going to force some sort of justice upon my perceived hurts.  I’m sure it’s a part of the flight or fight response I feel to the fear of my depression and it is coming out as a definite fight.  My anger becomes focused and I start thinking about the things I’m going to do and not giving a fuck what others think. And I seriously have no more fucks to give. I feel like I’m at a point where my life is fucked and there’s nothing I can do about it, so my attitude becomes a serious “fuck it” and I begin thinking “Do what the fuck you want”.

This anger comes in the form of wanting to lash out and strike anything I feel is a threat to my well-being. I don’t like it, I don’t encourage it, but I also know it comes from a sense of wanting to protect myself. It’s there and it’s intense and it’s fiery and it’s pissed the fuck off!

Unease: Returning to Reality

I woke up this morning realizing I am wasting away.

I have been totally unproductive at work this week. Well, maybe a little productive, but just enough to avoid any negative opinions about me (hmmm…side note, I really do focus on what others think…I mean, like a lot). But I have been spending a lot of time trying to escape from my life.  I mean, in ways that aren’t necessarily good for me, I think.

For example, as much as I hate to admit it, I have spent the last 48 hours – off and on through out my day – exploring and indulging in certain sexual fantasy that I refuse to discuss openly. Don’t worry, it’s nothing that involves hurting woodland creatures or children. But it would probably be considered wrong in a lot of people’s view points. Ultimately, I know it is focused on something I am self-conscious about…or is it?  I dunno, it’s not really the point. The point is that it has consumed my thoughts, my mind and my time. And I engaged in it online, in discussion forums, watching certain media that would be…hmmm…naughty. I have been trying to escape. I had a fellow blogger suggest to me that I might be a sexual submissive…if she happened to know what I had been viewing the past few days, she would be convinced.  I’m not going into any more detail…

Sex is powerful. And it has certainly led me to use it to escape from many things in life, as well. I even feel it has gone one step further and allowed me to look at relationships from a sexual point of view – the story of my sexuality and understanding it all has certainly convinced me that I have managed to escape from the facts of my life by burying myself into sex and/or relationships. It has led me to believe I do not understand what healthy is for me.

I escape from things. I don’t understand why…

It’s not the only time I’ve done it, but it got me to thinking about the other ways I have managed to avoid my life, ways that I felt I needed to keep my mind occupied so I can handle everything. It brought me back to thinking about drinking beer too and when I truly thought I was an alcoholic. I began to loathe going to AA meetings, because I got sick of hearing people say, “…if it weren’t for this disease, I wouldn’t have done…”  Fuck, I hate lack of personal responsibility. If you’re fucked up, you got nothing to blame but yourself. If you fucked up, you fucked up and you need to own that shit.  Speaking of owning shit, I’m still drinking, but it’s when I’m away from work and I’m away from everything. I stop on a whim, mostly because I discovered it really doesn’t give me the reprieve I seek in life. I can no longer drown out my thoughts, feelings, emotions and all the other garbage that goes on in my head. I could no longer escape.

This week, I received an email from someone I have been corresponding with about God. On the one hand, I truly appreciate someone wanting to help me out, on the other hand I can’t help but think that what she is really doing is exposing, at least to me, another from of escapism I am doing: wanting a same-sex relationship. She had suggested that part of the reason I am wanting and desiring an intimate relationship with a man, is because I lack one with God, the Father. I can’t help but listen to the compelling argument and it made me contemplate if I am on this current path, this current exploration of my sexuality, my gender identity, my path to understanding myself is really a façade for avoiding all of the responsibilities I should be facing in real life. She hasn’t, directly stated, that my desire to be in love with a man at this point in my life is wrong, but rather she implied that relationships have a way of telling us about our failings in seeking God out as the provider of a good life.

Of course, I could be way off base…but what the fuck do I know?

I have been corresponding to someone else in the past couple of days. He answered a personals ad I have. And you know what?  He’s nice. And he seems to want to provide the kind of relationship I think I want. But then again, it is so hard to tell, because I know, deep down, that I am the kind of person that looks for happiness in the wrong places. And it makes me super anxious to even remotely think that this is possible. And then my mind races and I begin to think that this is all a façade too. That I’m still escaping…

Even my blog is an escape…

And all I want to do right now is run…

I want to get fucked.

I want to drink.

I want to get in the car and drive forever.

I want to be loved.

I want to know if there really IS a God.

And I want to be fucked.

And I want to drink.

And I want my mind to stop racing.

And I’m beginning to feel a major fucking panic attack come on.

I’m feeling fucking risky today. And none of it is healthy.

So, I’ll probably eat…

Another way I escape.

I just want it all to stop. I want my mind back. I want control over my life back.

But then again, I want all of the other stuff to make me stop thinking.

A lobotomy?  Yes, that would make me stop thinking.

Okay, I’m becoming incoherent in my ramblings. I’m not going to do anything…except eat some fucking Nutter Butter cookies at 4:45 a.m.

Insanely Depressed?

I am calling the depressive episode I mentioned from an earlier post the “Insanely Depressed”.  It came on quick, yesterday afternoon. It came on quick, fast, hard and had my head reeling a little bit.  I am away at work again and I almost got up and left…simply drove away to never return.  You see, I am truly struggling with my job and everything that goes into it. I’m struggling with the possibility of divorce (there is a development with this too). And I’m struggling, yet again, with my conception of a God.

It’s a cliché, but doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Seriously, I’m not bright enough to make that shit up… 😀 I am working, and working and doing the thing I always do. Trying the best I can and it’s driving me insane, because this job is something I have done before, have surpassed before and now I am back doing it because of a massive amount of layoffs that occurred in my chosen industry.  I’m trying to work on an advanced degree to change jobs and industries altogether and I’m also currently looking for work to change my situation. I’m literally, taking control of my life on this matter, but I can’t seem to force it.  And I’m tired of feeling a lone all of the time – yes, one of the major drawbacks to my job is that I am away from home for weeks at a time.  Right now, I’m away three weeks, then I’ll get a week off and then I go to working 2 weeks on and 1 week off.  Granted, if I wasn’t already planning on getting a divorce, this kind of schedule would cause one anyways.

Speaking of divorce, I also received a call from my estranged wife.  She wants to reconcile and have me move back home-home.  She laid it on pretty thick and I feel a twinge towards listening and accepting what I know won’t change. I go through this thing in my mind where I convince myself that I can be more patient and accepting of the differences between us. I try and find ways to make sure we can get along – we do have children, which I rarely mention online for their own protection. But I also am excited about some of the prospects of NOT being committed to someone.  But I did listen to what she had to say, and she even wrapped it up with asking me to move home and go back to church with her, “like we used to do.”

That’s the thing, as most of you know, I have some serious issues with this God person and the Church of my upbringing.  And, I’m not so sure she is keen on the idea that her husband has probably been with as many guys as she has in life – okay, maybe not that many, but certainly a significant number.  Anyways, the God she understands considers me an abomination for having done anything in the past. The God she understands would expect things from me, I’m not so sure I care about.  And to top it off, she holds my “sins” as worse than her own. I’m sick of feeling guilty, but the pains of being alone are starting to set in and I do miss my kids. There is so much to think about here.

Anyways…back to my head spinning and it coming on fast…

I almost gave in to all the pressures yesterday, but I didn’t. I made the decision to do absolutely nothing and just ride the emotions out. I made the decision that the path I’m currently on is the path I’m meant to be on at the moment. I made the decision to allow the feelings to happen…

And they did…

And they left…

And I know they might return…

Sometimes, I Don’t Know How To Deal…

I’ve come to the conclusion that I do not handle acceptance very well.

Yesterday, I was on this phenomenal emotional high where I am just ready to own my life and make it go the direction I want. Tonight, I’m having a difficult time seeing that plan played out.

I simply do not know how to handle the anxiety, I guess…

An explanation…

I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.

I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.

I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.

But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.

I was removed from a project I was working on.  Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working.  When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again).  I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected.  This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.

But it made me panic, because of a number of things.  I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago.  I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc.  I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again.  I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had.  And I felt like I got back to this company by  the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.

But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.

And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.

I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything.  I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here.  I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money.  And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…

I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex.  I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).

And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…

I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously.  Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…

But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it.  It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal.  I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.

I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.