I hate depression.

Today has been tough for some reason.  I have no reason, whatsoever, to be feeling “blue” and depressed.  But it hit me this afternoon.  It came on and I didn’t see it coming until it was already there.  I was hating everything and everyone. I tried praying to God, but I couldn’t find anyway to let it go. I feel the pressures of my life so much and I am now on the verge of failing something and I don’t care.

I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but I was attending an online program to earn a master’s degree in data analytics. I had finished my first class with an 89% and was holding a 95% in my second class, but I had not completed an assignment in over 2 weeks. This week is the final week for this class and I don’t want to do anything about it.  I don’t want to finish and I have already sent my advisor an email asking to withdraw me from the program. I just don’t want to do it. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of increasing my student loans beyond the $130,000 I already owe. I’m tired of trying. I’m in my 40s and I can now accept that I will never pay those off – I will most likely die before it happens.

I realized today that I have been pouring my heart and soul into a life I don’t really care about. I have pursued achieving success through money and I am feeling empty. I don’t have any more passion for my career and can care less about being well-off anymore. I had an income a couple of years ago that made me feel like I would eventually pay off all of my debts, but after being out of work for over a year and then finding jobs that were miniscule, I’m realizing my chances of monetary success are dwindling – it simply is not going to happen and I’m tired, so, so, so tired.

I just don’t know what to do, but I have worked two or more jobs for as long as I can remember and I just can’t get the leg-up, I feel I deserve.  I think I’m at a point that I’m just ready for my life to come crashing down and try and pick up the pieces after it happens.  I can’t avoid this any more. I’m tired and I feel destroyed and defeated.

With my marriage failed, my lack of financial success and a career that I am not passionate about anymore, I’m overwhelmed. I’m even trying to seek God out and ask for comfort, but I can’t find it…

I simply can’t find joy…

How does one truly rise from the ashes? Or should I ever come out?

I recognize my last couple of posts have been negative, dark and bleak. I’m not sure what it is about depression that does this to me.  It has a habit of coming in and destroying the positive feelings I begin having for myself.  It’s almost like being happy or striving for more peace is not something I deserve. I’m tired of cliché phrases to make me feel better, I’m tired of seeing therapists, I’m tired of reading self-help books, I’m tired of forcing myself to do things I supposedly like.

But more than anything, I’m tired of the self-deprecating thoughts I have.

I’m tired that I can’t feel the good things that are said to me or about me. I’m tired of not having the motivation to take care of myself, like a normal person. I’m tired of the inability to understand what it is I really want out of life. And I’m tired that I see nothing but “should of” when it comes to looking at myself and my decisions.

I almost made a radical decision yesterday.

I almost came out to someone in my real life. I came dangerously close to revealing to an old friend that I am bisexual.  She and I used to do martial arts together many years ago – in fact, I helped her test for her 2nd degree blackbelt over 20 years ago. I used to have a huge crush on her too.  Well, she and I have managed to stay in contact over the years, although that contact became less and less as time went on.

Yesterday, I made a statement about politics on Facebook because I am frustrated that I am having trouble getting my medical supplies (I’m not a huge fan of government, just so you know) and she had commented on my post.  Well, sometimes I think I come across as uncaring and uncompassionate (Is that a word?) and I sent her a private message. During the conversation, the topic of LGBT rights came up and I had mentioned to her, “Please don’t ever make me admit it in public, but I’m a registered republican that supports LGBT rights.”  She thought it was funny and mentioned she would never make me admit to anything in public.  For a shred of a moment, I considered mentioning to her that I’m bisexual.  And then it struck me for a moment, that she may think that already.

I mentioned I had a huge crush on her. Well, I had seen her naked before…phenomenal body, gorgeous and I would have gladly jumped at the chance to have sex with her. So, why didn’t I?  Well, at the time, she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend.  How did we see each other naked?  Good old fashioned spin the bottle in our little foursome one night.  I never made a move on her back then, and I could never tell if a woman was just being nice to me or if she was interested in me.  That felt like the case with me and her.  But looking back on it from the perspective of the conversation she and I had yesterday, it made me wonder, “Does she already realize I’m bisexual?  Was I displaying signs for the so-called gay-dar that some people have?”

But for the moment, I let it pass. I did not tell her. I did not mention it to anyone who knows me personally. I wonder if I ever will. I’m 44 years old, married, a father, but secretly bisexual with obvious gender confusion.  I spent last night, in the dark, looking up people on Facebook – i.e. a little Facebook stalking. I looked up old girlfriends, I looked up people I’ve hooked up with (guys and girls), I looked up old friends, I looked up all kinds of people. I felt nostalgic and reminiscent. I felt…

…lonely.