I wanted to take a moment to discuss something. I struggle with my sexuality. It’s not something I am proud about, I associate some major shame with it and I find it to conflict with my moral upbringing and the hang-ups society has about people that are attracted to the same-sex. But the truth of the matter is that I’m bisexual.
Today, I received a follow from someone that was following my last blog, and she just happened to be follower number 10. And she is a woman that is in a relationship with a man that is bisexual (No, I’m not that man); she blogs about her own perspective on the struggles she faces being in love with a man that is bisexual. I wanted to let this cat out of the bag, although I had not intended to disclose it on this blog for quite some time.
For some reason, I don’t have the typical “I’m bisexual and everyone should accept it” mentality about my sexuality, that other folks in the LGBT community have. A lot call this pride, but I do have a different take on pride. The reality, for me, is that I have found the revelation of my sexuality to be more of a hindrance in life, than an empowering acceptance of myself. Like I mentioned above, it is a major struggle of mine. And being married, a father, and a person with some respect among different groups of people, coming out in public has never been a consideration. There are a few select individuals that are aware that I have enjoyed sex with men and women alike. And I don’t consider myself a sexual dynamo, so it’s been easy to keep under wraps.
But I am well aware it is a conflict with the catholic faith of my upbringing, and it is in conflict with the self-esteem one should have when they are self-aware of their individual truth. I also am aware that it is a source of some of my depression and anxieties. It is something I may or may not discuss in greater detail, but I have decided that my last blog was making me focus on this aspect of who I am more and more. I just wanted a break from my own thinking, and I didn’t want my psyche to be solely focused on it. The reality is that I don’t want more than one relationship, so I am essentially non-practicing on my sexuality. In addition, I am not quite sure how I reconcile a lot of it with my religious background or my own understanding of what I wanted out of life, previous to coming to the realization that I’m bisexual.
The bottom line is that it is there and you won’t see me riding a unicorn with rainbows, nor waving any pride flags in a parade.