Oh, Bi the Way…

I wanted to take a moment to discuss something.  I struggle with my sexuality. It’s not something I am proud about, I associate some major shame with it and I find it to conflict with my moral upbringing and the hang-ups society has about people that are attracted to the same-sex.  But the truth of the matter is that I’m bisexual.

Today, I received a follow from someone that was following my last blog, and she just happened to be follower number 10. And she is a woman that is in a relationship with a man that is bisexual (No, I’m not that man); she blogs about her own perspective on the struggles she faces being in love with a man that is bisexual. I wanted to let this cat out of the bag, although I had not intended to disclose it on this blog for quite some time.

For some reason, I don’t have the typical “I’m bisexual and everyone should accept it” mentality about my sexuality, that other folks in the LGBT community have.  A lot call this pride, but I do have a different take on pride.  The reality, for me, is that I have found the revelation of my sexuality to be more of a hindrance in life, than an empowering acceptance of myself.  Like I mentioned above, it is a major struggle of mine.  And being married, a father, and a person with some respect among different groups of people, coming out in public has never been a consideration.  There are a few select individuals that are aware that I have enjoyed sex with men and women alike. And I don’t consider myself a sexual dynamo, so it’s been easy to keep under wraps.

But I am well aware it is a conflict with the catholic faith of my upbringing, and it is in conflict with the self-esteem one should have when they are self-aware of their individual truth.  I also am aware that it is a source of some of my depression and anxieties. It is something I may or may not discuss in greater detail, but I have decided that my last blog was making me focus on this aspect of who I am more and more. I just wanted a break from my own thinking, and I didn’t want my psyche to be solely focused on it.  The reality is that I don’t want more than one relationship, so I am essentially non-practicing on my sexuality.  In addition, I am not quite sure how I reconcile a lot of it with my religious background or my own understanding of what I wanted out of life, previous to coming to the realization that I’m bisexual.

The bottom line is that it is there and you won’t see me riding a unicorn with rainbows, nor waving any pride flags in a parade.

Ups and Downs

Today I am upset with myself.

I’m not sure where the self-criticism comes from, but it’s there.

A week ago, I had a pretty active blog – hit 500 followers, over 15,000 views, a bunch of likes, etc., etc.  I even had people connected to me that I would have considered friends. But in a flash of wanting something different for my life, I deleted it all. I lost so many different posts, some related to my depression, some related to relationships, a lot of poetry, focused some on my sexual development as a teen into adulthood, I even had some positive things to say from time to time.

But I wanted something different, because I felt like I was wallowing and feeling sorry for myself towards the end of that blog’s life. I felt like taking a new endeavor would cause me to change – the idea that I could force my thoughts and feelings to be different. I felt like I could be a different person and that my lack of happiness meant I could change for the better and find the happiness I seek. I have been encouraged to return to church, to get connected with God, to be a better person by seeking my happiness in something not of this world. So, I went to confession, to do just that. I attended mass for the first time in many months with my wife (Yes, I am married…as rocky as it is). I agreed to make some compromises in our relationship and was intent on doing it – but who’s sake was it for, really?  I decided to let go of the things that were bringing me down and hindering my ability to find true happiness. I assumed that I was not finding it on my own, so why not listen to the priest.

I have done what the priest suggested this week, but I don’t feel any different. Here I am, almost a week later, and I’m still plagued with many of the same worries and thoughts.  I realize time is what it takes to effect change, and that one week is not much time, but on some level I think I am connected to many of these thoughts and emotions that I can not let go. I am bothered by intimate relationships, because I don’t understand my role in them. I falter at making others happy and when that happens, I falter in my own happiness. I look at my life and I feel like I have changed for the worse, but I have no clue how to change back, or do I?

My attitude towards life is conflicted. I find that I can find some positivity when I am alone; but when around others, I am like an emotional chameleon and take on their attitudes and moods. If someone is happy, I’m happy. If someone I care about is pissy, then I am pissy. If someone is hating life, I begin to hate life. And toxicity? Fucking contagious like an STD. And then I find that I begin to despise myself, because that is not how a strong personality approaches life – no, a strong willed person has the ability to maintain their beliefs, moods and emotions in spite of what others are feeling.

I find that there are somethings I don’t understand either and the faith of my youth tends to be a little hardcore about some things. Actually, it’s any faith that is even similar to mine.  Actually, there are some that are so drastically different and yet have a harder stance against some things I’m not so sure are “sins”.  Yes, I know the obvious response to some of the things I think would be “It’s in the Bible”, but I detract from that because using something that passed through mankind’s hands tends to have an agenda. But doesn’t my own argument have an agenda? Can it be trusted?

And then it hits me upside the head:

Can I be trusted with my feelings and emotions?

 

The Limit: Sky

“The sky is the limit!”

What a great expression to motivate someone to realize that there should be no limits in your endeavors. I remember a time when I lived life as if my only limit was the proverbial limitless sky. There is something about youth that is tied to carelessness.

Enter limits…

Enter the obstacles of life…

Enter mental health issues…

Practicality shows that life has many obstacles. Experiences have a way of impacting us in various ways. These are the asteroids or objects flying through the so-called limitless sky. And sometimes those objects knock your ass to the ground. Sometimes they hit you so hard, they can bury you far below the ground… even into the depths of the ocean.

But, if there is anything I have learned in life, even as hard as it is for an individualistic person like myself, is that we can rely on others to help us. There are people that want to see you soar through the sky, people that want to join you on that journey, people who are on a journey of their own and looking for someone to help them.

So, the sky is the limit, but it is so much nicer with others traveling there too.

Eternally Conflicted: God, Science, Religion, Philosophy, etc?

I find religion fascinating.

Science runs through my blood.

I can’t negate God from having some reality to me.

Philosophies are as varied as individuals.

Contemplating life’s mysteries have always been a thing of intrigue to me. A question that needed answering, a problem needing a solution. Everything can be forced into neat and categorized boxes to be handled in an appropriate and systematic way. But that’s not exactly practical for everyone, is it? I think it is important to strive for some ideal in life, but ideality is not perfect – I’m sure, but I could be wrong. I have always strived for a moral absolute, but my life hasn’t occurred in a way that makes sense to me.

“Go to mass and receive Jesus every day this week; if you can’t, then read the bible and pray for at least 15 minutes every day,” were the words my confessor said to me as penance. That’s right, I am Catholic – or rather, that is the religion of my upbringing and the only one I really know. It’s familiar and I tend to turn towards the faith of my youth, during my most problematic times.  But it doesn’t fulfill me. I find myself in conflict because of sexual matters, relationship issues, monetary matters, on and on… Some, I’m sure would recommend another religion of Christian origin, some would express an eastern religion or philosophy, and some would reject the notion outright.  I am struggling with purpose and what I believe.

Fuck it, who am I kidding? Everything fucking perplexes me.  I have such a difficult time resolving myself on things.  There was a time, in my youth, however, that everything made sense – If you follow the rules, everything works out. Well, that’s not exactly true, is it? And it becomes worse when you try and interact with anyone else on matters of beliefs and how people see the world around them. Everything becomes so convoluted and confusing. I care for so many people and I appreciate so many different perspectives on life, but it leaves me in a state of trying to figure out how anything can be applied to me own life.  Then, I get fed up and I come up with a decision I think is best, and it conflicts with the ideas and opinions of those around me – and to make matters worse, often times these decisions impact their lives, as well.

I used to rely on science to explain everything to me. Science and math were the tools to understand the world, but those tools did little to help me understand how to deal with people.  I could use the Schrödinger Equation, for example, and work it like a boss; but trying to understand an intimate relationship?  I was fucked from the beginning. I can’t apply cold facts to a situation, because it lacks emotion…the one quality that is vital in an kind of relationship, but certainly a requirement in an intimate relationship.

I find myself lost on so many things, and then when I think I have it figured out, my own emotions get in the way of the things I want to face and handle. Sometimes, I feel like my only choice in life is to be alone; but, that’s selfish, right? What if there is no way for me to be able to handle life on life’s terms, because I don’t understand how to apply various modes of thinking to situations. This is not something I feel I’ll ever be able to tackle.  I have certain ideas of right and wrong and I have certain ways of handling things, but sometimes they conflict with others. How can there be harmony or peace when there is conflict? They are in opposition.

Opposition is like the battle of science and faith, is it not?  I think in these terms too. I think that science is authentic and I have questioned faith – moreso in recent years, than ever before. I trouble myself with thoughts of wasted time, if there is some sudden revelation that everything humanity does is wrong in some way. What if all the rules each of us were paying attention to were all of a sudden voided? What if all of the evil we were warned about come out to be true? These are questions I don’t know that I can ever answer.

I feel like it will always be an eternal conflict in my mind.