Keeping Me In Your Prayers…

God never intended for you to be treated like that”.

This line stood out in the email I received this morning from a fellow blogger.  And truthfully, it means a lot to me to receive compassion and kindness from people – unfortunately, I feel the world can use more kindness and compassion.  But this was truly meaningful and this blogger was referring to an event I had blogged about, where I had been sexually assaulted when I was a lot younger than I am now.  I truly believe this blogger wants the best for me and she offered to include me in her prayers.

She isn’t the first to offer prayers for me. I’ve had a couple of other wonderful bloggers here offer the same.  Sometimes, I think they pray to help me find peace from my depression or anxiety. Sometimes, I believe they hope I find a resolution to my sexual hang-ups. Sometimes, I wonder if they hope I become more of a believer in God – in Jesus Christ. Whatever the reason, I am always thankful and appreciative of the sentiment.

But, I would be lying, if I said I believed the same.  I simply do not.  Of course, there is this part of me that wants to believe the Pie In the Sky, that there is some sort of Higher Power.  I have mentioned in many of my posts that this is something I believe I will always struggle with understanding. I’ve even mentioned that I have made my Higher Power – or my God, if you will – some very unsavory things: alcohol, money, sex, etc. Having been raised as a Catholic, I have a fairly good knowledge base of what the faith of my youth teaches and requires – of course, I have had many a confessor explain to me that development of my personal relationship with God is of the utmost importance, over the ritualistic practices of my faith. The reality, for me, is that I have found peace in a lot of the things I have participated in, when it comes to practicing that faith.  Unfortunately, however, I can’t find a way to make my sexuality coincide with the faith of my youth. I can’t find the requisite reconciliation of my sexual preferences and I find that attempting to “force” it, makes me miserable – I’m growing quite fond of accepting myself as I am.

I won’t link each and every post I’ve made about my struggle with God, because it would take me forever, but simply searching for God or Religion on my blog, you can find quite a few things I have posted. I will always be aware that I have a connection to God on some level. I can’t simply ignore God as a myth or something made up. I even have a scientific understanding of God – and won’t go into detail about why I believe it to be the case, other than to say that the same reasoning that a lot of scientists use to not accept a God is the exact same reasoning that many believers use to accept God. But I also think that there are things about human nature that can not be ignored outright either, but seem to be in direct conflict with the God of most religion’s understanding – namely sexuality.

I can not accept that sexuality is a man made (or human made) construct – there have been a multitude of situations where people were not influenced into their sexual preferences. Of course, I would be a liar, if I did not accept that there are some things that influence sexual behavior. I mention this, because of the sexual assault I described on an earlier post and linked above.  There are most certainly, situations that have an influence on how people view sex. I can even remember times in my life that I have questioned sexuality and have been told there is nothing wrong with impulses and urges, as long as some were not acted on.  But that is part of the conundrum I have with the matter – who dictates that?  Some say God dictates this, but the references they use are the documents that have been scrutinized for as long as their existence and they have all had mankind’s direct involvement in their creation. The nature versus nurture debate goes right along with this.

I have always felt that there is some truth to both a natural existence of sexual orientation, as much as their is a nurturing understanding of human sexuality. I can give specific examples from my own life where I felt both of these forces at work – granted, it took the totality of my life to really begin to grasp the concepts. I have been slowly arriving at a place were I peacefully know more about myself than I did when I was a 12 year old, a 15 year old, a 21 year old or even a 35 year old.  I can’t ignore my attractions to women, just like I can’t ignore my attractions to men. I have a basic desire to be loved, and I don’t want to question if it comes from a woman or if it comes for a man.  Sometimes, I feel masculine and yet sometimes I like the way I look in a skirt. I don’t want to feel the conflict of doing something evil – especially when there are real atrocities in the world.  I want to believe in a God that loves me, but I can’t ignore scientific principles.

And, I want the feeling of sexual fulfillment.

And I value my friendships – especially those that keep me in their prayers.

QFMR: Be a Slut to Find the Ideal Man?

So, I have a blogging friend that wrote a post today, somewhat as a response to my post about being a prude.  He proposes that I might be “cock-blocking” myself in finding some love from a guy. And on some level, I think he has a strong argument.  But at the same time, I feel like I’m in the process of finding myself a little bit and I’m doing it in a way I feel comfortable, but I can’t help but look at this issue from both sides of the coin – heads: engage in casual sex in search of true love or tails: hold out, make a man work for it!

Heads:

As a bisexual man, I kinda get how aggressive male sexuality can be – especially in hormonal teenaged males. I recognize that for a lot of guys there is an end game and if they don’t believe they are going to get any sex out of a relationship, then they will move on and not bother. There is sort of a push and pull mentality (not to use an innuendo) that guys use in leveraging a sexual escapade – to the point that some will literally lie about love just to get the sex they desire.

But in some way, I think there is this idea that it is expected that in order to find a boyfriend, one must engage in some casual sex until that perfect boyfriend is found. For me, I’m not afraid of having sex with a guy (oh my gosh, really?!?! Just read my blog, I have enjoyed it), so maybe there is some benefit to having enjoyable sex to find a suitable partner for a long term relationship. I mean, I do enjoy sex, so maybe I should be more open to a few casual romps…

Tails:

The other side of the argument, however, is that there needs to be some sort of control mechanism. I’ve often, said before, that I fall in love with someone easily. Knowing this about myself, I feel like I need to set some boundaries and I feel like I have to set them immediately, so there is no confusion. In my linked post above, that was one thing I was trying to stress. For me, I think it is readily obvious that if I’m seeking a relationship with someone that sex, passion and all of the stuff are on the table as parts of that relationship. I guess, in some ways, I know I want that. I want that close connection, that physical affection and the act of sharing myself with someone is certainly fun, if you ask me. But I also know I’ve done that, before, and having sex is the easy part – maybe not always the best part, but certainly the easiest part – of a relationship. So, I’ve had casual sex with guys before, but the one thing I have never had with a guy is a meaningful relationship. It’s definitely something I’m interested in exploring, so I am not sure I just want to hand myself over to every Tom, Dick and Harry around.

So, let me ask you, my wonderful readers:

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What’s the best way to go about finding the man of my dreams?

Should I be offering myself up to any guy I’m interested in – ya know, to make sure there is compatibility; or, should I maintain boundaries and make the guy work for my sweet ass? 😉

 

QFMR: How would you go about it?

So, I’ve been contemplating for a while, how to go about making some friends, meeting new people and possibly dating.  And I think I’m ready to experience that a little, as soon as work frees me up.  I’ve had people suggest dating websites, Craigslist (But that would be out of desperation…icky), and going to bars.  I’ve had someone suggest “hanging out with the girls” too.

Truthfully, this sounds wonderful and I know a lot of you have given me ideas before, but now I think I’m really at that point where I am more than a little curious.  I don’t want to get into anything serious, but I’m thinking coffee dates, or a date involving a meal or even, actually, going out with the girls – except I don’t have those either.

Granted, it might mean coming out in the open, so I may not actually venture that far, but I’m thinking that might be time to do, as well.

So, I have two Questions For My Readers:

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1.) How do I meet guys?

2.) How do I find a set of good girlfriends to hang out with?

Seeking Serenity…

I don’t like my job. I’ve mentioned before, I work in the oil & gas industry and I work in a technical role.  I can be great at this job, if I wanted to; but I have noticed since beginning this current role, I am not giving it 100% attention. The truth of the matter is I knew it would pay well, which is what I needed to try and manage some financial problems. The reality, however, is that I am absolutely miserable doing it.

I don’t mind the personalities, although, some are a little more irritating than others. I have good bosses, that are trapped with the decision of not promoting me right now – they know I’m qualified for more, but their bosses are not allowing the qualified people to step into the roles they had before because they are “taking a different direction”. You see, I am in a position that is literally 4 steps down from what I was doing when I was laid off a couple of years ago. The truth of the matter is that I have already made my digs, and I do have a sense of entitlement about the position.

It’s not sitting well with me.  The person that is my technical advisor right now, is so young, that I was doing what she is doing right now, before she was old enough to drive a car.  She’s nice and she is qualified to do the position, but it’s a little frustrating that I have to take a step back. I don’t want to, in spite of being told, “You will not be able to be in the position you were before”. This gives me no sense of hope for striving for better.

Why do I dislike it so much?

Although, I’m working autonomously, it is preventing me from doing anything I want to do in life. I have not been hiking in a couple of months. I am away from home for extended periods of time (Of course, it’s not like I have anyone to come home to). And I get to miss holidays like the 4th of July. And I want to have some friendships and cultivate relationships with people and this job is a serious hindrance to that.

I am in such a different place than I used to be. And at one time I was so motivated by money and status, it was kind of sickening. Now I simply want a sense of purpose and I want a sense of success – not monetarily, but I want to know that what I’m doing matters. And I feel none of that.

So, I’m strongly considering going to my immediate supervisor and explaining that I am going to look for something else that helps put me in a different position – hopefully, with the same company.

I simply just want to live life for a change, because I Feel like I have missed out on so much in the past 15 years…

And I know I sound like I’m complaining, but I made a decision that I’m not going to bitch and whine anymore. So, I hope this comes across as me reconciling my thoughts, so I can come to a decision.

I’ve made one: I will be leaving this job, the moment I find something different.