BYJ (&QFMR): Day 39 – Have Someone Else Make a Resolution For You.

Hi everyone! 😚

I believe I’m in a better mood than the last few days and I’m ready to get back to making myself a more beautiful person – translated as “I want to be a badass!” 😎🌹💪🌻😍😁💟👗👜

Today’s BYJ task involves asking a loved one to make a resolution for me. The author suggests asking a loved one, but I’m somewhat removed from people in real life, so I thought I’d ask one of you! The author indicated that it is interesting to see your behaviors through someone else’s eyes and to attempt a c hsnge based on what they see. The author mentioned she asked her husband who only wanted her to cleanup her dish from breakfast, instead of leaving it for later. She felt it was an easy change and took care of it.

So, I ask all of you, my wonderful readers, if there is one resolution you’d like me to make, what would that be?

I think I want to feel love…

As some of you know, I am separated.  And I had considered finding a boyfriend at one point, but I quickly became unimpressed with the online experience. Although, I had considered it, I’m also trying to change myself and feel like I just don’t have the ability to be in any committed relationship right now.  But I’m also fully aware how alone I feel right now.

There are days, I just want someone to…

wrap their arms around me,

tell me my worries are not silly,

explain to me that I’m not a weirdo-freak,

give me compliments, reassure me,

offer my some semblance of peace,

desire me,

want to be close to me,

appreciate my love,

touch me,

make love to me…

…or whatever.

“Be Not Afraid…”

I read another blogger’s post today and the first thing that struck me is the phrase, “Be Not Afraid…”. It reminded me of when I first paid attention to it – it was when I read the biography of St. John Paul II – The Great (Of course, at the time I read it, he was still alive and not a Saint). It was a phrase he adopted, almost as a legacy to his papacy, but it is biblically referenced.

Today, I wanted to find out where it is referenced in the bible – apparently the authors of the bible felt it would be ignored.

Today, I am teetering on an edge, because I am quite aware I can’t find happiness from my own doing.  I’m tired, unmotivated, lost, and feeling desperate again. Maybe it is time to let go…

Funeral…

This past few days have been an emotional roller coaster, for sure.  As I mentioned, previously, my grandmother passed away and we had a funeral.  Of course, coming from a catholic background it wasn’t JUST a funeral – it was a large mass of people gathering together to see my grandmother in a viewing (commonly referred to as a ‘wake’) and recitation of the Rosary.  I took my rosary beads today and recited it along with the deacon from my grandmother’s church – I was shocked I even remembered it after all of these years.  Then, of course was the funeral mass, followed by the internment at the gravesite.

I felt I was holding it all together. But, right after the Rosary, the people from the funeral home had begun to fold the white cloth draped across my grandmother’s casket and place it inside with her and then lowered the lid to cover her for the mass. My eyes filled with tears and as the lid closed, I thought to myself, “That’s the last I’m ever going to see her.” It was a difficult emotion.  One of my aunt’s had also read a eulogy and something struck me as I watched my mom and each of her siblings take a role in the mass – they all avoided emotion today.  This is something I have adopted over my life – although, I am learning to embrace the softer sides of myself and appreciating that it is okay to cry once in a while. I let it go at the time, but it struck me as odd.  It was a beautiful service and ceremony.

I saw so many emotions today – some laughter, some sorrow, some remorse, some gratitude, some relief, some pain and even some joy.  I heard stories about my grandmother – many, of course, I already knew. But I also heard some amazing stories about her character and she was a fighter and a warrior for her children – and us grandchildren.  Her family is her testament to the world.  I couldn’t help but focus some things inwardly and contemplate how I might be a better person to better exemplify values that my grandmother instilled in my mom and my mother’s siblings. I didn’t like how it was making me feel, because I was beginning to feel regret and ponder if I am living my life appropriately.

But I also had the chance to see many people I had not seen in many years. I even saw who I had shared my very first kiss (Relax, relax, weirdoes – it was a daughter of one my grandmother’s friends), saw family members from different parts of the country, saw family friends and family neighbors and people I never knew existed. It made me reminisce about so much. I visited with people, shared stories with people and it was exhausting for sure. All of the emotions that goes into all of the events of a single day can be overwhelming.

These were sad, but joyful interactions…

And now, I will spend a couple of days in the mountains – for me.

Family, death, emotions and …a boyfriend?

One thing about a death in your family, is how it brings out so many people and family you haven’t seen in years.  I’m spending the spending the next couple of days seeing family and people connected to my family that I have not seen in years (Is that an awkward statement?). Obviously, I’m hearing all about people’s families and where they live who they are what they do, etc.etc. There are old emotions involved, old hurts exposed and, yet, happiness in seeing people that you have missed. Seeing my grandparents’ home, which I haven’t visited in almost a year (sadly) is also brining back a ton of childhood memories.

My estranged spouse has also called and asked if she could attend these things with me.  I’m not a cold, mean, bitch, so I agreed – she has connections here anyways. But, the entire time I’m with her, I am hearing all about the different family members of mine that she hates and can’t stand.  She has always felt that I never had her side about things that she has been offended about. She has some validity in some of her complaints, but all I can think is, “How, during this time – someone’s funeral – can you honestly make this about you?”  I let the thought go, because I don’t want to argue, and I feel like I am already moving on. But I also noticed that I was beginning to get upset with some of my family members, just because she was upset with them.  Sometimes, I hate that about myself – I adopt someone else’s feelings about things instead of just sticking to my own. Sigh…

I sat with my grandfather yesterday. We had dinner and I was listening to him and my mother talk about different things. As I sat and watched him and listened, I was hit with profound respect, as I recalled a conversation I had with one of my aunts earlier in the day. She had mentioned that he had told her, “I don’t want to live alone, I’ve lived in this house for 55 years with her…”. Of course, he was referring to my grandma.  My heart was breaking for him.  Since my grandparents come from what’s been called “The Greatest Generation”, you can imagine his resilience as a man from that time. I don’t think I have ever seen this man in a vulnerable state.

My mom and I were walking around this house. At one time it was a dinky little, one bedroom farm house. My grandfather had turned into a phenomenal house. He built a garage, turned the house into a four bedroom house. He turned an old dirt cellar into warm basement. and inviting house. They had expanded this house to accommodate their four daughter’s families during great holiday dinners. My mom was pointing out different places in the house where such and such item used to be. We walked through different rooms, remembering different things. We came across an old trunk in their storage room – the room I remember filled with tons of mason jars from when my grandmother did some canning. The storage room I was terrified of when I was a little boy (or was I little girl?). The old trunk was full of photo albums, thousands of old photographs were in there and I wanted to dig into it, but my mom stopped me and expressed my grandpa didn’t want anyone going through anything until after the funeral. I respected that…he probably needed to put some closure on things.

We wrapped up the evening, and my mom had expressed that they made me a pallbearer for the funeral. I became instantly aware that my mom didn’t know I was wearing panties at the moment. I have been wearing them more and more lately, as I begin to accept what I think is my true self. I began to feel guilty, like this is not what people should expect from me. They all think of me as the first grandson and not a granddaughter. I look at all my grandfather had done for my grandmother and I knew I could never be the man he was, and I knew I felt more feminine then masculine, and my guilt pushed into me like a fury.

Later, last night, as I sat down and checked emails I had an email from a guy I had been talking to hear and there for about the last month (I know, I know…I’ve kept it a secret and haven’t told anyone about him).  When I separated from my wife, I made the decision that it was okay to begin meeting people. Granted, I haven’t met anyone yet, but have one personal’s ad online and receive a few emails from time to time.  Nothing has struck me as worth-while yet; mostly, because a lot of the guys are looking for hook-ups and I don’t want a hook-up. But last night, the email I received asked me, “Are you looking for a boyfriend?”

I don’t know that there is the right chemistry with this guy, but the question was real. I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the emotions of this week, overwhelmed with trying positivity on my persona, overwhelmed with the path I’m taking towards divorce, overwhelmed with my grandmother’s death, and overwhelmed with accepting Stephanie (although I love her more and more each day). So I replied to him and told him, “I’m not so sure, I’m the girl for you. And I have so much going on right now with this funeral.” He replied, quickly and told me, “Fuck off, faggot bitch!” Obviously, I made the correct decision.

Sometimes, I just don’t have answers, and I need to live today for today and be available to the people that care…right now, that’s my family. And I’m changing for the better – I went for a walk, last night.

Death comes to us all…

5:00 a.m. this morning my phone rings. I answer it and it’s my mother, “Grandma passed last night…”  I could hear the cracking of her voice and it wasn’t from the years of smoking she has done; no, it was from giving me the news that her mother had passed away – my grandma has passed.

I had a lot to say…

My thoughts are now gone…

I’m speechless…

I’ll try again later.