An explanation…

I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.

I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.

I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.

But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.

I was removed from a project I was working on.  Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working.  When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again).  I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected.  This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.

But it made me panic, because of a number of things.  I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago.  I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc.  I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again.  I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had.  And I felt like I got back to this company by  the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.

But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.

And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.

I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything.  I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here.  I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money.  And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…

I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex.  I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).

And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…

I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously.  Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…

But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it.  It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal.  I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.

I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.

Maybe it is time to focus on myself…

So, as you all know, I had a death in my family this past week – but I got a chance yesterday to take a little time for myself.  Receiving all of the edification I got from so many of you really made me feel pretty and beautiful – something I truly struggle feeling.  You guys have no idea how good ya’ll made me feel… ❤ Muah!

Anyways, doing that for myself, yesterday has invigorated me to take more interest in myself and it’s a huge step for me.  Although, I have so many other emotional things going on, I just feel it’s time to focus on myself a little – I have focused on others for so long, that I have lost myself.  Granted, I have made a lot of changes in the past year, but I have continued along the path of change and I am enjoying it.

A few days ago, I made a list of things I want to do over the next year – I’m sure I won’t accomplish all of them, but I like that I am now trying to work on some of them. Over at Run Wright (She has a great blog, so check her out!), I have been asked to be a virtual walk/run partner and I am doing it.  Today, I will do a third day in a row of walking – I’m doing 1.25 miles right now, but I’ll work up from there and I hope to begin running soon. I’m making time to eat right, as well – in fact, my lunch yesterday consisted of an egg-white omelette with chopped veggies and a drink with infusions of kale, cucumber and apples. And after finishing my meal, I walked over to a kickboxing gym and signed up (It’s for five classes to begin, but I hope to go beyond that). So, I am making some changes for this girl right here! ❤ #selflovebeyotches!

Speaking of being a woman. I enjoy the prospect. All of the encouragement, I receive from so many of you is validating for sure. I find myself really taking it all in and feeling my feminine side so much. But I think I am settled on something – I don’t think I’ll go through any transition in any permanent way.  I find that the shock to those around me – especially loved ones and family members would not be the kind of thing I want to carry on my shoulders.  I do realize that seems counter-intuitive to the idea of self-love, but I also take some acceptance in knowing that I care about people so much.  For that reason, I’m going to limit myself to certain things. I’ll continue to do some self-pampering like manicures, pedicures, shaving my legs and buying moisturizers, body creams and things like that. I also enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, heels, stockings, nylons, etc.  But I don’t think I’ll ever out that part of myself. I’m thinking it’ll be for me only – and if there is ever another time where I meet someone again, maybe I’ll share that with him (or her, as the case maybe).

Tomorrow will be tough, because of the funeral and I will be the man I need to be; but today, I’m a content girl and feeling beautiful. And I really felt like I looked cute, yesterday! 🙂 ❤

 

Thought provoking?

I’m dealing with some emotions today, waiting to head home tomorrow, but I have been sitting here and looking at different memes and came across this one and it hit me very profoundly:

godpraise

Instantly, I realized that part of my problem is that I am constantly after approval from others – in spite of all you wonderful friends of mine offering the acceptance and approval I seek.

Is that where my sense of emptiness has come from – the hope that other’s approval of me will make me happy and content?

I think I just got hit upside the head with the reality of my insanity.

I think I might have rationalized an explanation for myself (…and a little rant thrown in for good measure)!

Okay, so I have obviously been wracking my brain over my issues again.  I go on these quests to try and understand myself. I go on these days-long sprees of questioning everything about myself, questioning God, questioning my relationships in life, questioning my sexuality, questioning my purpose, questioning my existence, etc. I think you sort of get the point.  I ignore the things that make me happy, I ignore the things that give me peace and I feel immense guilt over things that are relatively harmless to anyone other than, possibly, myself (and even that is questionable). I over think EVERYHTING – God, science, religion, society, myself, other people, etc., etc.  You all have, literally, been telling me to stop doing that.  But I have a bit od a hard head and don’t listen very well at all.   It’s quite obvious that I do it to myself – I was even threatened with a being bent over someone’s knee and spanked because of it.

But here’s the thing, I think I might have had an ah-ha moment! I’m literally not doing anything I enjoy. I have some how convinced myself that I can’t enjoy the things I enjoy. If I want to believe in a God, who is anyone to tell me I can’t?  I’ve been with guys and girls, I’ve questioned my gender and even find more comfort in some feminine things than masculine things. I defy what’s “normal“, but who am I to even question that. Honestly? I like believing in a God – even if I don’t understand him or her. I take comfort in knowing that I can call out when I need to. I would like to think that I am completely normal and okay in his/her eyes.

Are there things I need to address? Absolutely!  Do I need to address them all at once? Absofuckinglutely not!  But the truth of the matter is that I am exhausted. I am exhausted at beating myself up, I’m exhausted trying to figure out how I should (there’s that word again that I really hate) be. I’m exhausted trying to take on the problems of the world when I am actually exhausted from dealing with my own problems. I’m tired of calling myself out on things that no one cares about, but me. I’m tired of convincing myself of negative things, because I’m too afraid of pursuing the things I know will make me happy.

I miss things. And I am the one that’s responsible for missing them.  Fuck that guy that called me fat. He doesn’t know what I’ve been battling. I’m 12 pounds down from my heaviest, poop-head! I’m a strong bitch, I’ll do this. I’m fat…okay. Really, really fat. I weighed 282 pounds at my heaviest. I was able to work that down to 240 pounds at one point and then jumped back up to 278 pounds and two weeks ago I was at 266. I think I’m less than that now.  And I did it because I stopped eating crap.  I can continue this and I can get where I want to be.  I know I can. This is my mission right now.

I’m not fond of a lot of things in life right now, but I don’t need to take those on. I feel like I need to maintain a positive attitude and I need to continue the fight I’m on. I’ll conquer all this and maybe have a fighting chance to do the things I love again.  I began this mission a while ago and it hasn’t been perfect, but I will not give up.

I’ve been reading a lot of things today. And I am inspired. I know I’m not perfect. I know how I feel has a tremendous amount to do with my horrible self-esteem. Maybe I have gender-identity issues. Maybe I don’t know my head from my ass too, but do I need to stress over it?  Maybe I am not truly happy with my career at the moment, but I got raked over the fricken coals the past couple of years – I think I have the right to feel a little bitter about it all. So what if I have some resentments over relationships for now? I’ve been in a fucked-up relationship for way too long and maybe my heart needs to develop a little scar tissue to protect it. Maybe I’ve been a complete jerk to people and I need to forgive myself for the things I have done.

But today, I bring it back to basics – I need to be healthy. I need to feed my body the right foods. I need to feed my mind the right knowledge. I need to feed my soul with good people. I need to feed my spirituality with a connection to something greater than myself. I need love myself, so I can actually know what the fuck it feels like…

I fucking deserve this!

And by the way, I only ate a couple of twinkies – I stopped and decided I had a choice. I made the right one.

 

(Please pardon the harsh language. I actually kind of pride myself on not being too vulgar, unless it’s warranted).

Contest Update

Yesterday, I posed a little contest among my followers and I ma beginning to receive some submissions.  Right now, I am leaning towards one, but I am open to see what other creativity any of you might have.  I’m hoping to get as many submissions as possible, before tomorrow (although, I might extend it another day).

Looking forward to seeing more submissions!