Chiseled Into Beauty

As many of you have realized from my blogs, I suffer from some pretty major self-esteem issues.  I am on a path to recovery, however, and participated in a little more Mountain Therapy over the past week or so.  I didn’t go on any long hikes, but rather, did a little driving in the San Juan Mountains of Colorado and one particular place really stood out to me and I did hike/climb to it. The Natural Arch shown here:

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I had been here before around 20 years ago, but the impact it had on me then wasn’t nearly as strong as it was now.  Of course, 20 years ago, I was much healthier, much stronger and I didn’t have nearly the aches and pains as I do now. But I climbed the fairly steep incline to reach the arch.  Unfortunately, I only have one picture, but I assure you this is a big oval that is, maybe, 30 feet top to bottom on the inside.  And it is a couple hundred feet climb up to it.

But as I stood looking at it, I was enamored with the idea that wind had pounded the rock walls of this structure over time.  The winds were destructive and this one section seemed to wither from the impact, appearing weaker then the rest of the rock wall. Obviously, it took many, many, many years to create something so incredibly beautiful.

And then…

I became aware of my own beauty, thinking that my life has been a struggle for so long. Maybe, just maybe the winds of my life are creating me to be something beautiful.  I smiled like I have not done in a long time.

I smiled

An authentic, joyous smile.

 

Attention Whoredom vs. Seeking Validation

Sometimes I contemplate, seemingly, comparative matters with a small thin line that separates them.  Today, my mind happened to be on the fact that I have spent almost the entirety of my blogs on WordPress seeking some token of validation.  And at that moment, I though to myself, “You’re a dirty little attention whore!” And the truth of the matter, if I’m being honest with myself, I am an attention whore. I like it. I love it and at the same time, I’m terrified of it.

I think there are times in a person’s life where they need affirmation, because they have a difficult time finding footing in their lives. Often times, a simply compliment can go a long ways in these circumstances; but I have looked at my blog, lately, in great detail and there are so many posts I’ve made where, upon reading them, I think I have been dying for someone to tell me I’m okay. Of course, many of you have told me exactly that. One would think, that receiving the compliments I have, then simple compliment matter I just mentioned would have fixed everything. It hadn’t for a long time.

And then I began to wonder, if my quest for validation has somehow crossed a threshold that says it is addictive behavior – i.e. becoming an Attention Whore ( a la crack whore). I look back at my posts and it is quite obvious I have been fishing for compliments and validation for quite some time – heck, I even proposed a poll to see what others thought of me. Truthfully, is this not the epitome of Whoredom Attention Seeking? Of course, I’m masking all of this with a thinly veiled joke, but it had given me some serious contemplation today.

But the reality is that I am on a mission to reclaim myself on my own terms and I have no idea where that is going. I am becoming much more at ease with myself, in spite of all the crap going on in my life. And although, I woke up with a little anxiety about the way I have gone about seeking attention (“Blow Jobs for a hit off the attention-pipe, anyone?”), and was worried that today was going to be a super anxious day (I do have some anxiety about one thing…finances…but that’s a work in progress too), but reminded myself that I am going to own the hell out of my life!

And part of that might mean accepting that I love attention.

Simply Inspired In A World Full of Inspirations 

I just wanted to share someone else’s positivity.
I am trying new looks on life and this is one I can ascribe to.

BeeUniek

What up, what up, what upppp. My peeps it’s Friday and I’m happy just because it’s Friday and it’s the weekend, yaya(just invented my own word). Yes, it’s the weekend before 4th of July and I’m very elated even though I have nothing special planned like throwing a super, grand, spectacular, out of this world 4th of July party or anything, I’m happy nonetheless. When you think of the weekend, you think of having fun, going out to dinner with friends, binge watching your favorite show on Netflix, and etc. In contrast, when I think of the weekend, I think of finally being able to racket my brain of new post ideas, eating unlimited of unhealthy food while binge watching my favorite shows on Netflix 😉, and attempting to do yoga, OK.

Somehow in between that busy schedule, you become inspired, very inspired. You get all these amazing and fun…

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I’ve made a decision. (Prepare for the eff word…a lot)

…depression, anxiety and all that other bullshit just completely fucking sucks!

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself. I’m sick of wallowing in self-pity. I’m sick of trying to understand shit I just don’t fucking understand. I’m sick of pushing myself into a mold I just don’t fucking understand. I’m sick of trying to get some people to pay attention to me, when they just fucking won’t. I’m sick of this whiney ass be-yotch I have become. I want to exude some fucking positivity for a fucking change. I fucking deserve that fucking shit!

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Seriously, I’m fucking sick of it all and I’m tired of burrowing into a hole to protect myself from gawd-fucking-knows-what. I push myself to strive for some fucking high standard of what I think is an ideal and maybe I just can’t fucking do it and that’s fucking okay!  Fuck…and I’m tired of pretending I don’t have a dirt fucking mouth, because it spews potty left and right. For crying out loud, I’m an ex-cop, work in the oil & gas industry and I curse like a fucking drunken sailor.

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And none of the two paragraphs I just wrote actually constitute any fucking grammatical sense and I actually give a fuck and I don’t give a fuck at the same fucking time. Fuck it! I can do whatever the fuck I want, as long as I’m willing to face the fucking consequences, right?  Give me a “fuck yeah”, please (I’m still fucking polite, gawd-damnit!)

And I’ve decided something else. I’m a fucking confused fucking mess and I’m fucking okay with it, okay?  I don’t give a fuck anymore, because I know I don’t hurt anyone. I fucking stick to myself. But I fucking like sex and I like it a fucking like it a lot. I’m tired of being fucking embarrassed over the fucking things I’ve done. Was everything copa-fucking-cetic? Fuck no!  Fuck it, can’t fucking change the fucking past, right?  I’m almost 4-fucking-5 years old and I don’t need to justify fuck anymore.

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And you know what else? As a scientist, I still fucking believe in God…so…neener fucking neener! Lick my fucking balls, if you don’t fucking like it (Wow…did the machismo in me finally show up?) Am I fucking perfect? Fuck no!  But who the fuck is?  Fuck the pretentious, I’m fucking real, I’m fucking raw, and I’m fucking honest.  I’m fucking done forcing myself to be anything…I just fucking am who I fucking am. And I might go to fucking Church and I might become some sort of fucking religious zealot some day, but I don’t need to please anyone. I’m going to be a new fucking person and I’m not giving up on shit.

And you know what else ? I’m not a fucking woman, regardless of how feminine I feel at times. But I like my dick and I’m too fucking masculine looking to ever actually BE female. Am I going to stop embracing “Stephanie”? Probably the fuck not, but I’m not going to be this person that fucking worries about it anymore. I’m fucking pragmatic and I recognize I was born with a penis and I intend to die with a penis – wearing a fucking skirt or not! And fuck you, if you don’t like it!

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And guess what else? I’m not a fucking example of fitness. I used to be and maybe I’ll fucking do it again, but right now I am who I fucking am. Am I overweight? Fuck yeah I am, but I like my fucking Starbuck’s, okay? And I like beer, so there!  Although I haven’t had one, since like fucking two fucking weeks ago, but I fucking like beer (and wine, when I feel like Stephanie). I also like working out, but I don’t have any fucking time right now. I’m not fucking perfect and may I could eat a fucking salad from time to fucking time, but I’ll fucking do it on my fucking terms. I’ll get to my goal when I get there and I’m not going to keep beating myself the fuck up over it. I was a sexy bitch once, I’ll be a sexy bitch again!

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 My life is not without stress. I tackle things with fucking gusto and I don’t fucking give up. It’s not my fucking nature to give the fuck up. I’m a fucking champion and I think like a fucking champion and I will not let the parasite of fucking negativity fucking win. Life is fucking busy, but I’m grabbing this bitch by the horns and I’m gonna ride it and own it like a fucking bad ass bitch! And while I’m doing it, I’m gonna slap life in the ass and fucking scream, “How ya like me now, bitch?!?!”

by the horns

This is my fucking life, I own this mother fucker!

Okay, time to go back to being sweet little ol’ me, but with a better outlook on life…

daisy

 

(Note: All images are Bing Image Searches)

 

Versatile Blogger Award: Love Overdue

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The title is funny,  because it makes it sound like I have been expecting this for a long time.  Actually, my post is long overdue, because one of my favorite blogger’s nominated me over at The Broke Girl’s Guide to Better Living!  Since her the nomination occurred almost two weeks ago and I am horrible about these award thingys, I have not gotten around to doing it. Please check out her post and all of her posts, Mandy is pretty insightful and engages in great conversation.

Anyways, just like she did, I’m stealing i.e. “plagiarizing” a portion of it, but I think that might be okay, because it pertains to the rules and process of this whole thing (I might change some of the rules, but I’ll mention it as I do it):

What exactly is the Versatile Blogger Award?

Bloggers nominate other bloggers who they believe deserve recognition for their high-quality standard of writing, the uniqueness of content, passion, and love displayed throughout the site and to top it off, amazing photos!

Rules of the Versatile Blogger Award:

  1. Thank the blogger who nominated you and share their link. (I did that above, if you noticed.)
  2. Nominate up to 10 bloggers for the award and provide links to their blogs. Also, inform them about the nomination. (Eh…I’ll nominate a few, but I don’t know that it’ll be 10…that’s too labor intensive for me.)
  3. Reveal 7 facts about yourself that your readers may not know. (Sure, not a problem!)

Seven Facts About Stephanie (or Tarnished, or Tar or T or whatevs) at Tarnished Soul:

  1. Although some of you know this, some of my more recent followers may not, but I’m an ex-police officer. And no, I can’t tell you if the things you did in your past were actually illegal or not, so please don’t ask…I really don’t need to know about anyone’s nefarious activities (That is, unless, they involve me!)
  2. I live in the beautiful state of Colorado!  I love it hear, but I don’t like the population growth – it is kind of disgusting and icky!
  3. Although, I’m biologically male, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE doing things that are typically considered female oriented activities – I love to get my nails done – manicured and pedicured; I love looking at clothes I want to buy; I enjoy a facial (who am I kidding, I’d get the whole spa treatment, if I could afford it) and I shave my legs (actually, I’m overdue and starting to look like a sasquatch).
  4. I find these award things really difficult, because I run out of ideas half way through.
  5. Some of you know, but I hold a 5th degree blackbelt in Taekwon-Do.  Granted, I have fallen out of practice and lost my self-discipline, by I intend to return once I get back into shape and lose some weight.
  6. I compare myself to others….CONSTANTLY. I don’t know why I do this and I know it is detrimental to self-esteem, but I can’t avoid it.
  7. A little over a year ago, I came extremely close to losing my house and everything I owned after being out of work for a year. I had plenty of money saved up to support myself and my family, but ran out of everything, exactly one week before finding a new job that I am not longer doing.  I have been on a long road of financial recovery that I have been struggling with for a variety of reasons – and the house will probably be sold afterall, when the divorce happens.  Again, this isn’t new information to those that have followed me for a long time, but for new followers, it might give perspective on what I’m doing on here.

My Nominations:

  1. Actually, I changed my mind about nominating anyone.  I have a hard time with these things and I’ll suggest that anyone that is interested in following along are welcome to link my post and use it to create their own.  These are great ways of getting your blog noticed, but I’m just not the kind of nominating person required.
  2. Then again, maybe I’ll come back and edit this with nominations….who knows?

 

“Your life is not your own…”

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This past weekend, I participated in some things as if I am truly catholic. I went to confession on Saturday morning; then I spent Saturday afternoon running the steps up and down and the Mother Cabrini Shrine just outside of Denver, CO. And Sunday morning, I did something I have not done in a long time – I attended mass at my local parish.  During the homily, the priest said something that stood out to me and sort of hit me upside my head. He said, “Often times we forget that we do not own our lives. That’s correct; your life is not your own, it belongs to God.”  He was speaking, in reference to a new law passed in Colorado: a physician assisted suicide law.  But based on my confessions, the time I spent at the Mother Cabrini Shrine and attending mass on Sunday, I am now feeling like I have been rather self-centered in how I have been approaching life. I can’t help but feel compelled to pursue something greater than myself.

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I’m not going to lie, I’m not satisfied with the feeling, but I am looking around myself and I am seeing something a little more clearly. The advice I received from the confessor, is to not try and tackle all of the problems of my life and he said to focus on one thing: Make room for God, a little, every day. And I am feeling like I need to do that.  When I was sitting in front of the gigantic statue of Jesus, I felt like he was looking me right in the eyes and telling me, “You are not being who my father made you to be.” I am confused, certainly, because it doesn’t align with anything that makes sense to me right now, but I felt at so much peace sitting there – a peace I have not felt in a long time and I am feeling compelled to make some changes that are long overdue. I simply felt like I am not being the man I was born to be.

Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need to pull myself away from some things that are making me feel obstructed. This blog is one of those things. But I know I struggle with commitment on anything and I know that I feel like I can’t just walk away.  But I feel like that I need to do just that – walk away, clean, without worry and focus on something – like God – other than myself. I follow a few blogs on here, that have always accepted me the way I am. Granted, I feel like there is some opinions, deep down, that the way I live my life is not an acceptable way to live, but those authors have never said anything – I just know this is the case from the many years I have spent pursuing my own understanding of my catholic upbringing.

I have come to believe that my number one biggest problem is that I care about everyone’s feeling, thoughts and opinions and I spend so much time worrying if I am pleasing to others. But I believe I have lost my focus on what should truly be important and central in my life.

I’m feeling like a radical and sudden change is needed in my life…

I might abandon this blog.