Okay, okay, I get it…I’m effing fat.

“You should eat more salads…”

I have a new person to hate. Yesterday, someone at work said that to me and all I can think was, “Duh, I fucking know it already…!” I didn’t say it, because the prick is a customer and I’m in the kind of business that brown-nosing our customers is a priority.

But it reminded me, yet again, how unhealthy I am.  Honestly, I have been trying.  If any of you follow Run Wright, you already know we have been virtual running buddies for over a month now – okay, she runs and I walk, but it’s more than I have done in recent years. Plus, I started attending a kickboxing class hoping to get into better shape.  I’ve mentioned before that I used to be in outstanding shape and I have allowed my mental health to deteriorate and you know what else happened?  Apparently, I have become a major fat ass…

Although, solely based on other people’s observation of me, I’m also not blind. I see myself in a mirror every day. I look at myself naked and can’t imagine why anyone would want me. It doesn’t help that I’m not even attracted to myself, so why would anyone else be attracted to me.  I’m trying, but if I sit and think about it, I probably could stand to eat a few more salads.

I have been living my life in a panicked rush for many years now and it has all taken a toll on me – physically, mentally, sexually, etc.  I am not good for my own well being and I can’t seem to direct myself.  I’m not losing the weight I had hoped and I’m no where near having a fit figure.

And all a comment like this does is make me feel like there is no point in trying.  I can’t do it anymore…I can’t seem to accomplish one fucking goal in my life right now and now I feel a major Hilda rant coming on. I really, fucking hate that bitch!

…or is it me I hate?

Maybe it is time to focus on myself…

So, as you all know, I had a death in my family this past week – but I got a chance yesterday to take a little time for myself.  Receiving all of the edification I got from so many of you really made me feel pretty and beautiful – something I truly struggle feeling.  You guys have no idea how good ya’ll made me feel… ❤ Muah!

Anyways, doing that for myself, yesterday has invigorated me to take more interest in myself and it’s a huge step for me.  Although, I have so many other emotional things going on, I just feel it’s time to focus on myself a little – I have focused on others for so long, that I have lost myself.  Granted, I have made a lot of changes in the past year, but I have continued along the path of change and I am enjoying it.

A few days ago, I made a list of things I want to do over the next year – I’m sure I won’t accomplish all of them, but I like that I am now trying to work on some of them. Over at Run Wright (She has a great blog, so check her out!), I have been asked to be a virtual walk/run partner and I am doing it.  Today, I will do a third day in a row of walking – I’m doing 1.25 miles right now, but I’ll work up from there and I hope to begin running soon. I’m making time to eat right, as well – in fact, my lunch yesterday consisted of an egg-white omelette with chopped veggies and a drink with infusions of kale, cucumber and apples. And after finishing my meal, I walked over to a kickboxing gym and signed up (It’s for five classes to begin, but I hope to go beyond that). So, I am making some changes for this girl right here! ❤ #selflovebeyotches!

Speaking of being a woman. I enjoy the prospect. All of the encouragement, I receive from so many of you is validating for sure. I find myself really taking it all in and feeling my feminine side so much. But I think I am settled on something – I don’t think I’ll go through any transition in any permanent way.  I find that the shock to those around me – especially loved ones and family members would not be the kind of thing I want to carry on my shoulders.  I do realize that seems counter-intuitive to the idea of self-love, but I also take some acceptance in knowing that I care about people so much.  For that reason, I’m going to limit myself to certain things. I’ll continue to do some self-pampering like manicures, pedicures, shaving my legs and buying moisturizers, body creams and things like that. I also enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, heels, stockings, nylons, etc.  But I don’t think I’ll ever out that part of myself. I’m thinking it’ll be for me only – and if there is ever another time where I meet someone again, maybe I’ll share that with him (or her, as the case maybe).

Tomorrow will be tough, because of the funeral and I will be the man I need to be; but today, I’m a content girl and feeling beautiful. And I really felt like I looked cute, yesterday! 🙂 ❤


I think I might have rationalized an explanation for myself (…and a little rant thrown in for good measure)!

Okay, so I have obviously been wracking my brain over my issues again.  I go on these quests to try and understand myself. I go on these days-long sprees of questioning everything about myself, questioning God, questioning my relationships in life, questioning my sexuality, questioning my purpose, questioning my existence, etc. I think you sort of get the point.  I ignore the things that make me happy, I ignore the things that give me peace and I feel immense guilt over things that are relatively harmless to anyone other than, possibly, myself (and even that is questionable). I over think EVERYHTING – God, science, religion, society, myself, other people, etc., etc.  You all have, literally, been telling me to stop doing that.  But I have a bit od a hard head and don’t listen very well at all.   It’s quite obvious that I do it to myself – I was even threatened with a being bent over someone’s knee and spanked because of it.

But here’s the thing, I think I might have had an ah-ha moment! I’m literally not doing anything I enjoy. I have some how convinced myself that I can’t enjoy the things I enjoy. If I want to believe in a God, who is anyone to tell me I can’t?  I’ve been with guys and girls, I’ve questioned my gender and even find more comfort in some feminine things than masculine things. I defy what’s “normal“, but who am I to even question that. Honestly? I like believing in a God – even if I don’t understand him or her. I take comfort in knowing that I can call out when I need to. I would like to think that I am completely normal and okay in his/her eyes.

Are there things I need to address? Absolutely!  Do I need to address them all at once? Absofuckinglutely not!  But the truth of the matter is that I am exhausted. I am exhausted at beating myself up, I’m exhausted trying to figure out how I should (there’s that word again that I really hate) be. I’m exhausted trying to take on the problems of the world when I am actually exhausted from dealing with my own problems. I’m tired of calling myself out on things that no one cares about, but me. I’m tired of convincing myself of negative things, because I’m too afraid of pursuing the things I know will make me happy.

I miss things. And I am the one that’s responsible for missing them.  Fuck that guy that called me fat. He doesn’t know what I’ve been battling. I’m 12 pounds down from my heaviest, poop-head! I’m a strong bitch, I’ll do this. I’m fat…okay. Really, really fat. I weighed 282 pounds at my heaviest. I was able to work that down to 240 pounds at one point and then jumped back up to 278 pounds and two weeks ago I was at 266. I think I’m less than that now.  And I did it because I stopped eating crap.  I can continue this and I can get where I want to be.  I know I can. This is my mission right now.

I’m not fond of a lot of things in life right now, but I don’t need to take those on. I feel like I need to maintain a positive attitude and I need to continue the fight I’m on. I’ll conquer all this and maybe have a fighting chance to do the things I love again.  I began this mission a while ago and it hasn’t been perfect, but I will not give up.

I’ve been reading a lot of things today. And I am inspired. I know I’m not perfect. I know how I feel has a tremendous amount to do with my horrible self-esteem. Maybe I have gender-identity issues. Maybe I don’t know my head from my ass too, but do I need to stress over it?  Maybe I am not truly happy with my career at the moment, but I got raked over the fricken coals the past couple of years – I think I have the right to feel a little bitter about it all. So what if I have some resentments over relationships for now? I’ve been in a fucked-up relationship for way too long and maybe my heart needs to develop a little scar tissue to protect it. Maybe I’ve been a complete jerk to people and I need to forgive myself for the things I have done.

But today, I bring it back to basics – I need to be healthy. I need to feed my body the right foods. I need to feed my mind the right knowledge. I need to feed my soul with good people. I need to feed my spirituality with a connection to something greater than myself. I need love myself, so I can actually know what the fuck it feels like…

I fucking deserve this!

And by the way, I only ate a couple of twinkies – I stopped and decided I had a choice. I made the right one.


(Please pardon the harsh language. I actually kind of pride myself on not being too vulgar, unless it’s warranted).

No More Excuses: Shit Just Got Real

Okay, I am nervous for a medical screening for a job I am trying to get. Today, I got the paperwork detailing the things I need to do and I am genuinely concerned about my ability to do them. They should be relatively simple for my age and gender, but looking at them and realizing that I’m scared to do it means one thing and one thing only:

I’m very fucking aware of my health and fitness level.

I can’t continue to live like this. I’m tired, pissed off and want my old life back. This is some bullshit!

I shouldn’t be fucking nervous about this stuff, I shouldn’t be scared about my abilities. I should not have doubts.

I can not talk about it any longer. This shit is no longer a game; it’s fucking real and my life depends on it.

Terrifying Dreams

As some of you know, I’m a type 1 diabetic. That means I am insulin dependent and I have been since I was child and I have been living with it for 38 years. One of the major issues in dealing with diabetes is blood sugar control. Yes, of course I realize drinking alcohol impacts this control in negative ways; but in my defense, I haven’t given up fighting. Well, as I make strides in distancing myself from drinking (I’m still struggling, but I’m going to win!), I am having issues with my blood sugar and having to make changes to the insulin I take. Well, sometimes when you take more insulin than you need, your blood sugar drops drastically.  This happened to me last night.  But before I discuss that, I want to mention something else – the relationship between moods and blood sugar.

You see, your blood sugar and your moods are intertwined. Stress affects blood sugar and blood sugar affects mood. Stress is an interesting phenomena, because the body’s fight or flight mechanism will create a situation where stored sugars are dumped into the blood for energy. This creates high blood sugar in a diabetic, since we don’t naturally produce insulin. High blood sugar destroys your mood, it makes you feel lethargic, pissy, irritable, etc.  Likewise, low blood sugar, which is usually caused from having too much insulin in the blood stream, creates a lot of different moods too. Sometimes, you can even appear drunk, because your speech is slurred, you stumble around, slow reaction time, etc.  Another blessing of low blood sugar is very vivid dreams when you are sleeping. And since low blood sugar also creates a sense of panic in the body – it literally feels like you’re going to die unless you get food immediately – sometimes the dreams created are terrifying or weird.

Typically my low blood sugar dreams are weird in that they give me a warped sense of time and reality. During this time, I can’t tell if I am awake or asleep and my dreams become my reality. during some of these times, I have seen my body float through space and time (It sounds like an episode of the Twilight Zone coming on), in which I see the totality of human existence fly by me in a manner of seconds only to be consumed in a fiery inferno of a nuclear holocaust.  Those terrify me like nothing I have experienced.

Last night’s dream was different though. In the dream, I was checking into a high class hotel. I remember handing my expense card to the hotel clerk and she informed me of the cost, and I paid it. At the time, I thought, “Wow, that’s really expensive for one night…”. I got on an elevator and rode it up to the top floor. Then I exited in a lobby of sorts, and I was directed to another tower of the hotel. I ordered a latte from a Starbuck’s in the walkway leading to the other tower and then got on another elevator to go back down.  Then I got off the elevator to see the lobby I had entered originally. I got back on the same elevator, rode it to the top, walked across the walkway, ordered a latte, got on the other elevator and went down. This repeated over and over and I felt myself begin to panic with this endless pursuit.

At this point, I woke up and realized I wasn’t feeling well. I tested my blood sugar and it was 57 mg/dl – during the night it should be 100-120 mg/dl.  It was extremely low.  I treated it and for my blood sugar to come back up.

Anyways…I don’t know why I’m writing this, but I felt like I needed to share it for some reason…