Treating myself…What do you think?

So, my family is nuts.  I’ve got cousins that are upset that my mom didn’t call them by such and such time to inform them that they should have been notified about such and such activity with the funeral.  It drives me nuts when people make things about themselves…

…sigh…

Okay, done ranting.  So, I took a little break today from all the family stuff and went shopping.  I both this skirt, these tights and these shoes. I also got a red, sleeveless knitted shirt to go with it, but I didn’t put it in the picture.  This is kind of a big step for me, and I just kind of wanted to share it with you all…  What do you think?  IT really made me feel super girly! I’m really beginning to love Stephanie. 🙂 ❤ Is it wrong that I took some time to myself today and went shopping? I just needed a little break…ya know?

skirt2  skirt3  skirt4heels

I’m not very good at selfies, but I tried.  I’m not going to dress-up for the funeral – other than what everyone would expect. It would be really selfish and shocking to come out in that way, but I feel a little empowered by myself for a change.

 

Self-Pampering shall commence!

I’ve been working for the past couple of weeks in the dirtiest, grimy, icky place in the world – okay, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but it’s close.  And there are some things I am absolutely dying to do and I’ve decided I’m no longer holding back my true nature – whatever that might be.  And I’ve decided I’m in need of some serious girlie treatment!

So, here are some of the things I intend to do over the next few days.  Number one is my feet…omg, they are so gross. My toenails look like claws, so I’ve got a pedicure planned and I’m going to get the manicure to go along with it.  And since it’s spring, I’m even thinking of having some light pink toe nail polish put on.  I’m almost giddy thinking about it.  It’s also been a while since I shaved my legs, so I’m going to do that tonight. (Okay, I just looked at that link and it was July that I posted that, but it hasn’t been that long since I last shaved my legs, but it needs to be done!). I’m actually, strongly considering having my entire body waxed…but that is sooooo expensive. But I really am curious how that feels and I think I kinda deserve to feel a little more on the outside the way I do on the inside.  I’ve also had a WordPress friend suggest I start shopping for skin care products. I admit, I’m at a loss on what to get and what to buy, since I have only used some lotions. And then maybe some shopping…

Oh my gosh, it has been so long since I have tried on a dress. But I am in a super huge mood to go dress shopping and I wish I had a girlfriend to go with me – you know someone that can spot if something looks good or not on you.  I get a certain level of anxiety thinking about it, but it is so exciting to me.  There are so many things to choose from and I have to admit, I don’t know what would be age appropriate for me.  I feel like I have forgotten all about myself over the years. I feel like I deserve a dress. I feel like I deserve something fun, flirty and expressive to just show off a little.  I’m like…literally shaking thinking about it. Today, I feel like something like this would work. OR what about this one?  OMG, this one is really cute too! Oh…and underwear. I need new panties too.

I’m so excited for some time to relax you guys. I’m going to embrace Stephanie – I’ve decided she is a part of me and sometimes I need to express it.  Do any of you have any suggestions for me on how to enjoy my girly time? ❤

I’m so in love with myself today. Is that wrong to say???

Embracing Stephanie a little more…

I’m always writing things that are so negative. And I have such horrible self-image that I wanted to change it slightly today and discuss something that makes me feel a little more comfortable with myself. I have been doing a little research and felt that if I have a more feminine “inside” than “outside”, I want to expand on it a little.  Sometimes, I find myself fighting things, fighting the obvious, fighting what’s ‘normal’ for me.  What if I stopped fighting myself on this?  What if I stopped trying to prove anything about myself?

I have written about acceptance so much, but to actually adhere to it seems to escape me. I have been having this eternal battle with myself; so many of you have been witnesses to it and have discouraged me from having this battle.  Truthfully, I feel empowered by many of you to just accept myself as Stephanie. But I would be lying, if I said I’m not torn, because of the “moral” upbringing I had. I’ve noticed I have a lot of followers that are Christian, several Catholics, and I am happy that none of them have ever told me anything that makes me question myself. But I also see the happiness and joy many of them express. I’ve appreciated the prayers of a select few – I’m not sure what they pray for, with respect to me, but it does make me happy to know people care enough about me to offer that sentiment. Some of these people, I think I would consider friends, but I always wonder what they think of me…deep down…

Okay, I took a side step and veering off the real topic at hand, so let me bring it back to my acceptance of Stephanie.  I’ve noticed, just in the past few days, since I almost had my severe crash, I’ve just been going with the flow of my existence. I need that right now. I’ve just been allowing myself to be.  I read an article the other day about men that are in the process of transitioning to women (I wish I could find the link) have some natural tendencies toward the feminine. I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I have that about me, as well.  Well, the article talked about a lot of these guys have been socialized to lessen their natural behaviors and adopt behaviors that are more related to their birth gender. I began to wonder if I’ve done that, as well.  I decided to try and do some relaxation exercises and allow my mind to free up a little from the stress of my life.

Well, the past two days, I have tried to think about the ways that I have forced myself to NOT be feminine.  One of the things I stopped doing a long time ago is sitting with my knees together or my ankles crossed.  I remember doing that a lot when I was a kid, but as I got older and kids began to be mean and I assumed I had to act a certain way, I began sitting with my legs apart and hunched over.  I noticed the past couple of days, I let that go.  I’m sitting with my back straight, my chin lifted, slightly, my knees together and my toes are pointed in slightly, or I’ve started crossing at my ankles and move my feet slightly underneath me and to one side or the other.  This reminds me of how I used to sit, many years ago.  I also noticed this morning, while working, I had to scrape something out over a trash can and when I looked at myself, I had slightly leaned over and my back was straight and I held my knees together and it felt a little more natural than the way I have been doing it for a while.  I almost felt right with myself.  So, after that I began walking with a little sway to my hips.  I’m not sure if it’s noticeable to anyone else, but it’s making me feel right.  I feel right with myself. I feel a little more feminine.  I’ve even been receiving some tips from a few of you on how to feel and be more feminine. I’ve enjoyed letting go of some of the mental barriers in my mind and I’m kind of starting to embrace this aspect of myself.  My soul feels a little lifted today, and I think it’s because I’m choosing to not question myself.

I am beginning to like Stephanie.

AJ: Missy

You guys have no idea what you’re doing for my ego. I’m almost going to cry…

I am being inundated with so many feminine compliments, descriptors, names and all that goes into the kinds of things other girls say to girls. I love it!  I’m riding high today and it’s because of so many of you. Some of you have flat quit calling me by my real name in emails and have began calling me Steph or Stephanie all the time. I have a friend that just keeps me feeling like her little princess. I’ve even had a couple of guys email me and flirt with me, knowing everything you all do. And today, one of you were encouraging me and said, “…you are making great strides, Missy”

I absolutely love it!  It makes me feel so much like a girl! Although, I know I’ll never actually be a woman, I absolutely love that none of you let me think otherwise. I just wish I could give you all a big hug! It encourages me so much to have my friends thionk of me this way!

This missy is loving it!

AJ: Stephanie

It’s been a while, since I last wrote in my Appreciation Jar, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to feel more positive about my life.  In fact, I have not continued reading the Beautiful You Journal, but I think I need to get back to it (I have this thing about me, that it drives me crazy to leave things unfinished…), but I wanted to take a moment to recognize something that occurred as a result of yesterday’s post: A lot of you have accepted me as I am, even when I have not fully accepted myself. The case in point is being Stephanie.

I admit, I am not entirely comfortable with the conundrum of gender-identity, but after having this discussion with a few of you, I feel more comfortable with the identity of Stephanie being a very real part of who I am. I certainly don’t want to deny the existence of my maleness or masculinity, but I also don’t want to deny that Stephanie is a part of who I am – even as buried and suppressed as I have made her.  In some way, it is time for her to be a part of the life I live.  One of you challenged me to examine Stephanie a little deeper and ask myself questions about how I felt when I experienced life in that role. Some of you have already began to refer to me with this pretty name, and yet, still can see me as my born gender (This is something truly important to me), and some of you have simply allowed me to express myself however it is presented.

Does this mean, I’m going to have a surgery, change my entire life in a drastic way?  No of course not.  I know there are people that this is a viable route for them, but for me it is not.  But I want to express myself in this way from time to time.  I am liking the fact that a few of you have already taken to calling me by the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl.  It’s encouraging to me that I’m not a freak or that I’m not some sort of horrible person. I know that I am always going to be male and I don’t regret that at all, but I am at a place where I want to embrace all aspects of myself.  I want to embrace my humanity, I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to embrace my struggles with alcohol, I want to embrace that I fight depression, I want to embrace that I manage anxiety, I want to embrace that my health is important, I want to embrace my flaws and my strengths, I want to embrace everything about myself – including Stephanie.

And now, without shame, I think I am comfortable allowing this part of me to be a very real piece of who I am and I am now welcoming…

…Stephanie.

SARD: Part 14 – That time I was Stephanie.

WARNING: NSFW, Intended for older than 18 years of age.

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Today, I was having a discussion with a friend via email. And she asked me my name (Obviously, my real name is NOT “Tar Nished”), and I gave it to her.  I’m usually open about giving my real name on email, but I have an issue with my gender identity, and although, I think I have pretty well nailed it down, something comes along that makes me think about it. So, I am making another entry in my Sexual and Relationship Development to discuss that time I went by the name Stephanie. I even joked around with my friend about using this name.

I have mentioned that there were various times in my youth, and sometimes in adulthood, where I have felt an inclination towards femininity and being a female over a male.  I’m not totally sure when some of these tendencies began to arise, but today as I spoke with my friend and the name Stephanie came up, I remembered how it came into being.  The truth of the matter is that it is the name my mother would have given me, had I been born as a girl.  But how does it come into play in my Sexual Development?

Back in high school, I had a friend that lived on the same street as I did. His name was Chris.  One day, we both decided to call ourselves by the opposite gender name our mothers would have given us, had we been born girls. He would have been Heather and I would have been Stephanie.  It all began rather innocently, we would call each other on the phone, such as, “Hi Heather, it’s Stephanie.” Or we would go knock on each other’s door and ask, “Is Heather here?”  Our mothers both thought we were goofing off with each other and harassing each other.

One evening, however, I was over at Chris’ house and in his back yard. We were just talking, when out of the blue he asked, “So, does Stephanie like boys or girls?” He had a bit of a grin on his face. I smirked and replied, “I might like boys, why?”  His grin deepened and he opened up the fly to his jeans and said, pulling his penis out and said, “What would Stephanie do with this?”  Almost immediately, I sank to my knees in front of Chris and began to give him a blow job.  He stroked my head as I looked up into his eyes with his cock in my mouth.  He said to me, in a deep, low voice, “Good girl. I like it, keep doing it”.

I would have probably continued doing it, but the door of his house opened, letting some light out. I stood up immediately and wiped the saliva off my mouth.  Chris put himself back inside his jeans and zipped his zipper. Luckily we were in an area of his yard, darkened by shadows as one of his brothers came out to find out what we were doing. Chris had told him we were just hanging out.

Chris and I never did anything like that again.  In fact, we both had treated it like it never occurred. We never used our “girl” names again and there was never another sexual encounter.  I treated it like I did almost all of the same-sex encounters I have had – like there was something wrong with me.  I simply made the decision, at the time, that it was wrong that I shouldn’t (there’s that damned word again…) be doing it and that if I never did it again, everything would be alright. I felt that pretending to be a girl was just that – pretending. I had a penis, there was no way I could be a girl.  Like I’ve mentioned in other posts, the concept of being anything other than a masculine male did not seem to be reality.

I’m somewhat shocked that I had forgotten this incident, but re-visiting the name of Stephanie had brought it out.  I easily come to contemplate my reality, my sexuality, sexual behavior, my gender, how I see myself an all that goes into it.  Today, I had an email exchange with a different friend that encouraged me in a similar way as the one I mentioned above – to seek happiness. One friend suggested that if I want to feel pretty, then that is what I should pursue. The first friend suggested that if I want a boyfriend, then maybe it was time for me to find that.

I am in a better place today, than I was many years ago. I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. I’m in a better place than I was 4 months ago. I am enjoying being me…the real and authentic me. I like that I have more power over how I see myself than I ever imagined before. Sometimes I think about all of the things I should (there it is again…), but I also think that I need to just live for now and whatever happens is okay.

But I have come to love my inner Stephanie.