WARNING: NSFW, Intended for older than 18 years of age.
Today, I was having a discussion with a friend via email. And she asked me my name (Obviously, my real name is NOT “Tar Nished”), and I gave it to her. I’m usually open about giving my real name on email, but I have an issue with my gender identity, and although, I think I have pretty well nailed it down, something comes along that makes me think about it. So, I am making another entry in my Sexual and Relationship Development to discuss that time I went by the name Stephanie. I even joked around with my friend about using this name.
I have mentioned that there were various times in my youth, and sometimes in adulthood, where I have felt an inclination towards femininity and being a female over a male. I’m not totally sure when some of these tendencies began to arise, but today as I spoke with my friend and the name Stephanie came up, I remembered how it came into being. The truth of the matter is that it is the name my mother would have given me, had I been born as a girl. But how does it come into play in my Sexual Development?
Back in high school, I had a friend that lived on the same street as I did. His name was Chris. One day, we both decided to call ourselves by the opposite gender name our mothers would have given us, had we been born girls. He would have been Heather and I would have been Stephanie. It all began rather innocently, we would call each other on the phone, such as, “Hi Heather, it’s Stephanie.” Or we would go knock on each other’s door and ask, “Is Heather here?” Our mothers both thought we were goofing off with each other and harassing each other.
One evening, however, I was over at Chris’ house and in his back yard. We were just talking, when out of the blue he asked, “So, does Stephanie like boys or girls?” He had a bit of a grin on his face. I smirked and replied, “I might like boys, why?” His grin deepened and he opened up the fly to his jeans and said, pulling his penis out and said, “What would Stephanie do with this?” Almost immediately, I sank to my knees in front of Chris and began to give him a blow job. He stroked my head as I looked up into his eyes with his cock in my mouth. He said to me, in a deep, low voice, “Good girl. I like it, keep doing it”.
I would have probably continued doing it, but the door of his house opened, letting some light out. I stood up immediately and wiped the saliva off my mouth. Chris put himself back inside his jeans and zipped his zipper. Luckily we were in an area of his yard, darkened by shadows as one of his brothers came out to find out what we were doing. Chris had told him we were just hanging out.
Chris and I never did anything like that again. In fact, we both had treated it like it never occurred. We never used our “girl” names again and there was never another sexual encounter. I treated it like I did almost all of the same-sex encounters I have had – like there was something wrong with me. I simply made the decision, at the time, that it was wrong that I shouldn’t (there’s that damned word again…) be doing it and that if I never did it again, everything would be alright. I felt that pretending to be a girl was just that – pretending. I had a penis, there was no way I could be a girl. Like I’ve mentioned in other posts, the concept of being anything other than a masculine male did not seem to be reality.
I’m somewhat shocked that I had forgotten this incident, but re-visiting the name of Stephanie had brought it out. I easily come to contemplate my reality, my sexuality, sexual behavior, my gender, how I see myself an all that goes into it. Today, I had an email exchange with a different friend that encouraged me in a similar way as the one I mentioned above – to seek happiness. One friend suggested that if I want to feel pretty, then that is what I should pursue. The first friend suggested that if I want a boyfriend, then maybe it was time for me to find that.
I am in a better place today, than I was many years ago. I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. I’m in a better place than I was 4 months ago. I am enjoying being me…the real and authentic me. I like that I have more power over how I see myself than I ever imagined before. Sometimes I think about all of the things I should (there it is again…), but I also think that I need to just live for now and whatever happens is okay.
But I have come to love my inner Stephanie.