Today, i received the most amazing compliment. I was discussing the duality/conflict of my gender and someone I think of as my sister said:
“You Dress the Soul and that is light years ahead of most beings who dress the flesh.”
I am really beginning to see my inner beauty and I feel more authentic everyday. I feel like a happy girl and I knew this needed to be in my Appreciation Jar.
Something happened today that doesn’t normally happen to me: I thought nicely about myself.
I began this Appreciation Jar as a means to capture the compliments others have about me, because I have such a difficult time looking at myself an appreciating who/what I am. It’s true that I have been going through so much in life (Granted, I realize there are people with different, worse, less worse, menial, catastrophic or whatever problems, but mine are mine…), but I have started looking at things I like about myself. I had this contest, recently, to re-design my page and now, every time I look at it, I am comforted.
There is something warm about it. Something bright about it. Something fun about it. Something soothing about it. I am really loving the pink vibe, I get, and I have just realized that I think I am Pink (not the singer, though I do love her). I am not sure what that means, exactly, because I know there is an idea that our personalities and emotional traits are represented by colors; but I have no idea what Pink means.
But, for the time being, I like Pink. I really, really, really, like Pink. And I feel Pink. And it makes me happy that I can, for a moment, appreciate something about myself.
Today, I am Pink.
And I feel good saying it.
You guys have no idea what you’re doing for my ego. I’m almost going to cry…
I am being inundated with so many feminine compliments, descriptors, names and all that goes into the kinds of things other girls say to girls. I love it! I’m riding high today and it’s because of so many of you. Some of you have flat quit calling me by my real name in emails and have began calling me Steph or Stephanie all the time. I have a friend that just keeps me feeling like her little princess. I’ve even had a couple of guys email me and flirt with me, knowing everything you all do. And today, one of you were encouraging me and said, “…you are making great strides, Missy”
I absolutely love it! It makes me feel so much like a girl! Although, I know I’ll never actually be a woman, I absolutely love that none of you let me think otherwise. I just wish I could give you all a big hug! It encourages me so much to have my friends thionk of me this way!
This missy is loving it!
I’m sure it becomes readily obvious, from reading my blog, that I have horrible self-esteem (though, it’s getting better) and have a difficult time seeing myself as attractive. Well, yesterday I mentioned, a couple of times, that I haven’t really been having the best of luck finding a guy that would want to be a friend. There were a couple of guys I have been talking to and only one that hasn’t brought up sex or anything beyond building a friendship that may or may not build into something later down the road. But he asked me for a picture…
I don’t do pictures…
I don’t do them for a number of reasons, but here are a few:
- I am hairy.
- I have a wandering eye (also known as a lazy eye)
- I look like I eat small woodland creatures for lunch
- I’m ugly
- I’m fat
- I’m not as feminine as I prefer
- I’m not beautiful
- I’m not a stud
- I’m too big
- My nostrils flare out
You all kind of get the point – there are a kazillion reasons I can come up with that tell me not to send my picture, so I don’t. Of course, I am changing the way I feel about myself, but I still have some major drawbacks to sending out my picture to anyone, let alone a stranger.
Have I ever shown anyone? Yes, of course I have. There are a limited few that I have shared a picture of myself. I have even shared small pieces of me, before – such as this one. I shared a picture within the last week with another blogger – of course, with the promise that it won’t be shared. But I am reluctant to show myself for some authentic reasons, and one that is extremely important to me:
My safety. I fear consequences for myself and for those in my life that I care about.
But, today I want to offer a little more of myself, to be somewhat more comfortable showing myself, so here is this little bit of me:
Oh…and please ignore the list I posted above, because I recognize it is just Hilda showing up.
It’s been a while, since I last wrote in my Appreciation Jar, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to feel more positive about my life. In fact, I have not continued reading the Beautiful You Journal, but I think I need to get back to it (I have this thing about me, that it drives me crazy to leave things unfinished…), but I wanted to take a moment to recognize something that occurred as a result of yesterday’s post: A lot of you have accepted me as I am, even when I have not fully accepted myself. The case in point is being Stephanie.
I admit, I am not entirely comfortable with the conundrum of gender-identity, but after having this discussion with a few of you, I feel more comfortable with the identity of Stephanie being a very real part of who I am. I certainly don’t want to deny the existence of my maleness or masculinity, but I also don’t want to deny that Stephanie is a part of who I am – even as buried and suppressed as I have made her. In some way, it is time for her to be a part of the life I live. One of you challenged me to examine Stephanie a little deeper and ask myself questions about how I felt when I experienced life in that role. Some of you have already began to refer to me with this pretty name, and yet, still can see me as my born gender (This is something truly important to me), and some of you have simply allowed me to express myself however it is presented.
Does this mean, I’m going to have a surgery, change my entire life in a drastic way? No of course not. I know there are people that this is a viable route for them, but for me it is not. But I want to express myself in this way from time to time. I am liking the fact that a few of you have already taken to calling me by the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl. It’s encouraging to me that I’m not a freak or that I’m not some sort of horrible person. I know that I am always going to be male and I don’t regret that at all, but I am at a place where I want to embrace all aspects of myself. I want to embrace my humanity, I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to embrace my struggles with alcohol, I want to embrace that I fight depression, I want to embrace that I manage anxiety, I want to embrace that my health is important, I want to embrace my flaws and my strengths, I want to embrace everything about myself – including Stephanie.
And now, without shame, I think I am comfortable allowing this part of me to be a very real piece of who I am and I am now welcoming…
Today, I opened up my notifications and had a comment from one of my wonderfully sweet friends. She called me “princess”.
To be honest, I have never thought of myself as princess-material, but seeing the comment made me feel uber-girly and almost giggly. Kinda silly, really, since I am in my 40s. But there was something about it that just felt right. It made me feel all wonderful inside, so for today I’ll take the wonderful advice she gave me – “So good for you princess, chin up and don’t let the crown slip”.
Today, I’ll be that princess!