AJ: Apparently I write well…

I received one of the sweetest compliments today. My friend Meg (check her out at Meghan Tregellis, Author) mentioned it in a comment to me.  She has offered, previously, to critique some writing for me, if I ever decided to do something….um…novel (please pardon the pun).  I have toyed with the idea quite a bit, actually, but I am a horrible critic of my own being – I can only imagine the monster I would be towards my own writing.

Actually, I think I might have mentioned, before, that I am very self-conscious about my writing. In fact, I am quite sure I have mentioned it, but I’m not sure if I mentioned it on this blog or my last and I am too lazy today to bother researching to find out if I did and link the post that I mentioned it. When I was a junior in college I took a writing class that the professor commented to me that I wrote at a 9th grade level.  Of course, I was insulted, and at the time I didn’t like writing anyways – in fact, I hated writing all throughout school.  I despised it…it felt icky to me.   I never considered writing anything that mattered. In fact, during my college years, I wrote a poem to a girl after we had our first kiss – it was titled “Our Kiss”. And since she decided to run off with someone else, it made me despise poetry too. I truly, hated writing.  But something about that professor saying that made me want to at least improve myself to a level of acceptability. Granted, since I went to an engineering school, most of the writing required was boring and drab, so it was (probably) easier to meet the standards required to do that, than to write anything that would draw people in to read. (And as I proofread this last paragraph, I can easily see the thoughts are not singular – i.e. should be more than one paragraph).

But to draw people in to read, you have to connect to them, personally. You have to draw on their emotions, somehow, I suppose. I’ve never considered myself capable of doing that. I never felt like I could extract the kinds of emotions from myself that would make people interested in me, so how could I possibly do it in the written word?  It was a conundrum for me to even consider. So, I felt I couldn’t write.

And then there is the idea of creativity. I enjoy using my imagination, but never felt like my imagination was original. I liked science fiction and fantasy, because those were the kinds of stories that were highly imaginative. But there is imagination involve, I believe, in telling a historical fiction, but that would involve the kind of research that I’m not sure I have the time nor energy to do.  Truthfully, it brings me back to feeling drab about my own ability to be descriptive in my writing. I question if I would embellish things too much. I ponder not having the correct words to use to connect people to the imaginative scenario – I mean, we’re all unique, so how would anyone be able to understand my thoughts?

But, you know what I have decided?

I am NOT the best judge of myself. Really, I am not.  I can’t even tell if I feel right having male gonads, so how could I possibly be able to assess my own ability to connect to people through writing. I’m a conflicted and confused person that does a GREAT job hiding him(her)self from the world in plain view.

I guess, without too much more rambling, I should say that I feel better about my writing. As many of you have witnessed, I have spent the past few years whipping out a multitude of poems in expression of my own feelings, I have spent the past few years detailing my own struggles in life, and I write in complete (for the most part) sentences and somewhat coherent thoughts. I have even taken graduate level classes that have required writing and the professors have given me high scores on my papers, so maybe I am more capable than I credit myself. Maybe Meg is correct on this matter. Maybe it is time for me to explore this aspect of myself a little more.

So, for entertainment purposes, only, here are some of the things I have considered writing about:

  1. A book on the exploration of God versus Science – Yes, the age old question of this topic seems to be overdone, but as a fan of science and a person who questions God, what if I had something more to offer to the discussion?
  2. A novel with a fantasy with kings, queens, elves, druids, etc. – This shows my true inner nerd.
  3. A romance novel about a bisexual man looking for love – ya know, loosely based on my own life, but much more interesting 😛
  4. A horror novel about a twisted spirit causing people to go against their own nature and committing heinous acts – what?  I do have a dark side?
  5. etc.

I’m not really sure about most of these ideas, but I ponder actually starting something, but never really get around to it.


Anyways, I am just rambling and I appreciate you for following along, but I wanted to share the compliment I received today and I am tucking this away into my Appreciation Jar.

AJ: You Dress the Soul

Today, i received the most amazing compliment. I was discussing the duality/conflict of my gender and someone I think of as my sister said:

“You Dress the Soul and that is light years ahead of most beings who dress the flesh.”

I am really beginning to see my inner beauty and I feel more authentic everyday. I feel like a happy girl and I knew this needed to be in my Appreciation Jar.

AJ: Pink

Something happened today that doesn’t normally happen to me: I thought nicely about myself.

I began this Appreciation Jar as a means to capture the compliments others have about me, because I have such a difficult time looking at myself an appreciating who/what I am.  It’s true that I have been going through so much in life (Granted, I realize there are people with different, worse, less worse, menial, catastrophic or whatever problems, but mine are mine…), but I have started looking at things I like about myself.  I had this contest, recently, to re-design my page and now, every time I look at it, I am comforted.

There is something warm about it. Something bright about it. Something fun about it. Something soothing about it. I am really loving the pink vibe, I get, and I have just realized that I think I am Pink (not the singer, though I do love her). I am not sure what that means, exactly, because I know there is an idea that our personalities and emotional traits are represented by colors; but I have no idea what Pink means.

But, for the time being, I like Pink. I really, really, really, like Pink. And I feel Pink. And it makes me happy that I can, for a moment, appreciate something about myself.

Today, I am Pink.

And I feel good saying it.

AJ: Missy

You guys have no idea what you’re doing for my ego. I’m almost going to cry…

I am being inundated with so many feminine compliments, descriptors, names and all that goes into the kinds of things other girls say to girls. I love it!  I’m riding high today and it’s because of so many of you. Some of you have flat quit calling me by my real name in emails and have began calling me Steph or Stephanie all the time. I have a friend that just keeps me feeling like her little princess. I’ve even had a couple of guys email me and flirt with me, knowing everything you all do. And today, one of you were encouraging me and said, “…you are making great strides, Missy”

I absolutely love it!  It makes me feel so much like a girl! Although, I know I’ll never actually be a woman, I absolutely love that none of you let me think otherwise. I just wish I could give you all a big hug! It encourages me so much to have my friends thionk of me this way!

This missy is loving it!

AJ: Reminder

I saw this user’s post with Pink in the meme.  I absolutely love the quote, but there is something else a little ironic/coincidental about this post.  I sent the blogger a message informing her that I love Pink (I have a girl crush on her…) and mentioned that in my fantasies of being a girl, she is the image I have for myself!  This wonderful woman actually told me she posted it thinking of me!

How awesome is that?!?!?!

Maybe I really do like my inner Stephanie. 🙂

AJ: A picture…

I’m sure it becomes readily obvious, from reading my blog, that I have horrible self-esteem (though, it’s getting better) and have a difficult time seeing myself as attractive. Well, yesterday I mentioned, a couple of times, that I haven’t really been having the best of luck finding a guy that would want to be a friend.  There were a couple of guys I have been talking to and only one that hasn’t brought up sex or anything beyond building a friendship that may or may not build into something later down the road. But he asked me for a picture…

I don’t do pictures…

I don’t do them for a number of reasons, but here are a few:

  1. I am hairy.
  2. I have a wandering eye (also known as a lazy eye)
  3. I look like I eat small woodland creatures for lunch
  4. I’m ugly
  5. I’m fat
  6. I’m not as feminine as I prefer
  7. I’m not beautiful
  8. I’m not a stud
  9. I’m too big
  10. My nostrils flare out
  11. etc.

You all kind of get the point – there are a kazillion reasons I can come up with that tell me not to send my picture, so I don’t.  Of course, I am changing the way I feel about myself, but I still have some major drawbacks to sending out my picture to anyone, let alone a stranger.

Have I ever shown anyone? Yes, of course I have. There are a limited few that I have shared a picture of myself.  I have even shared small pieces of me, before – such as this one. I shared a picture within the last week with another blogger – of course, with the promise that it won’t be shared.  But I am reluctant to show myself for some authentic reasons, and one that is extremely important to me:

My safety. I fear consequences for myself and for those in my life that I care about.

But, today I want to offer a little more of myself, to be somewhat more comfortable showing myself, so here is this little bit of me:


Oh…and please ignore the list I posted above, because I recognize it is just Hilda showing up.

AJ: Stephanie

It’s been a while, since I last wrote in my Appreciation Jar, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to feel more positive about my life.  In fact, I have not continued reading the Beautiful You Journal, but I think I need to get back to it (I have this thing about me, that it drives me crazy to leave things unfinished…), but I wanted to take a moment to recognize something that occurred as a result of yesterday’s post: A lot of you have accepted me as I am, even when I have not fully accepted myself. The case in point is being Stephanie.

I admit, I am not entirely comfortable with the conundrum of gender-identity, but after having this discussion with a few of you, I feel more comfortable with the identity of Stephanie being a very real part of who I am. I certainly don’t want to deny the existence of my maleness or masculinity, but I also don’t want to deny that Stephanie is a part of who I am – even as buried and suppressed as I have made her.  In some way, it is time for her to be a part of the life I live.  One of you challenged me to examine Stephanie a little deeper and ask myself questions about how I felt when I experienced life in that role. Some of you have already began to refer to me with this pretty name, and yet, still can see me as my born gender (This is something truly important to me), and some of you have simply allowed me to express myself however it is presented.

Does this mean, I’m going to have a surgery, change my entire life in a drastic way?  No of course not.  I know there are people that this is a viable route for them, but for me it is not.  But I want to express myself in this way from time to time.  I am liking the fact that a few of you have already taken to calling me by the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl.  It’s encouraging to me that I’m not a freak or that I’m not some sort of horrible person. I know that I am always going to be male and I don’t regret that at all, but I am at a place where I want to embrace all aspects of myself.  I want to embrace my humanity, I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to embrace my struggles with alcohol, I want to embrace that I fight depression, I want to embrace that I manage anxiety, I want to embrace that my health is important, I want to embrace my flaws and my strengths, I want to embrace everything about myself – including Stephanie.

And now, without shame, I think I am comfortable allowing this part of me to be a very real piece of who I am and I am now welcoming…