I hate depression.

Today has been tough for some reason.  I have no reason, whatsoever, to be feeling “blue” and depressed.  But it hit me this afternoon.  It came on and I didn’t see it coming until it was already there.  I was hating everything and everyone. I tried praying to God, but I couldn’t find anyway to let it go. I feel the pressures of my life so much and I am now on the verge of failing something and I don’t care.

I haven’t mentioned it to anyone, but I was attending an online program to earn a master’s degree in data analytics. I had finished my first class with an 89% and was holding a 95% in my second class, but I had not completed an assignment in over 2 weeks. This week is the final week for this class and I don’t want to do anything about it.  I don’t want to finish and I have already sent my advisor an email asking to withdraw me from the program. I just don’t want to do it. I’m sick of trying. I’m sick of increasing my student loans beyond the $130,000 I already owe. I’m tired of trying. I’m in my 40s and I can now accept that I will never pay those off – I will most likely die before it happens.

I realized today that I have been pouring my heart and soul into a life I don’t really care about. I have pursued achieving success through money and I am feeling empty. I don’t have any more passion for my career and can care less about being well-off anymore. I had an income a couple of years ago that made me feel like I would eventually pay off all of my debts, but after being out of work for over a year and then finding jobs that were miniscule, I’m realizing my chances of monetary success are dwindling – it simply is not going to happen and I’m tired, so, so, so tired.

I just don’t know what to do, but I have worked two or more jobs for as long as I can remember and I just can’t get the leg-up, I feel I deserve.  I think I’m at a point that I’m just ready for my life to come crashing down and try and pick up the pieces after it happens.  I can’t avoid this any more. I’m tired and I feel destroyed and defeated.

With my marriage failed, my lack of financial success and a career that I am not passionate about anymore, I’m overwhelmed. I’m even trying to seek God out and ask for comfort, but I can’t find it…

I simply can’t find joy…

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58 thoughts on “I hate depression.”

  1. Oh, Goddess. I hope it wasn’t my comments that led to your crisis. Remember that you are precious and sacred just as you are, a woman in a man’s body. Only you know what the Goddess wants of you. Maybe this period of failure is leading you to a new type of life… or maybe it’s a sign of “mental illness”. Remember mental illness is often a sign that you are not in alignment. Maybe you should talk to someone… or maybe not (depends on the person’s level of goodness regarding sexuality – do NOT see someone who will shame you). If you are developing depression, it may be time to align yourself with what really matters. Get involved with activism (especially LGBT activism), do more art and meditation, eat more yummy stuff, take more walks in the park, spend more time in the sun and with trusted friends.

    Remember that ambition was once seen as a character flaw. Focus on the things that really matter in life – loving companionship, self-expression, and a little for croissants and pink candles. It’s not about money. Live from the inside. I think activism and art will really help you. Also explore different religious practices – Christianity is based on all of them. Remember that Christian notions of sexuality are really sick. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You said nothing to cause this. It’s a lingering feeling and I think I’m beginning to realize that I am only human. 🙂 it’s just more difficult on some days than others.

      I truly appreciate your support.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry you’re going through a rough patch. I know what depression feels like, and it’s a rut you almost don’t want to get out of (scarily.) I felt it. I also feel you on the monetary issues, as I used to be a teacher and then have about half that salary coming in nowadays. I also have accepted the fact that I will probably always owe money on student loans, just another bill to pay the rest of my life (the way I see it, although it’s probably not that long.) It’s easier with an income-based payment with the loan company. Anyway, I’m always trying to look up, though, and try to find out what aligns with my passion, and how I can make it work. I really hope you can find your passion again. Not necessarily for a career, but for life. Money isn’t what matters. Things aren’t what matters. Experiences and people – that is what it’s about. When you’re in a depressed state, though, you don’t want to listen to anyone (I know.) So take some time to yourself to meditate and breathe. (Maybe visit the ocean). I wish you peace, friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Nature really does help take your mind off things. I think the ocean would be good for you as well Steph. Lots of good advice from Celestial and the writerstuff, hope you find some ways to make you happy! Feel better brosis! 😇😇

    Liked by 2 people

          1. Glad you are feeling better and hope things improve. It’s not something that there is an easy answer for, unfortunately. But it seems like you are on the right track, recognizing that something needs to change… Sending you my love and support ❤

            Liked by 1 person

  4. I know it seems hopeless, but you can get past this! My story matches pretty well – I had a failed marriage and left it and working 4 jobs behind, sought help for my depression as it had been at its worst at that point, went to working at just the one and newfound single life, in my 30’s, with almost a hundred in debt. I had to give up my house on the lake, the boats, my Jeep, the his and hers quads, etc. And I rarely admit, but I only have my high school, which means there is a definite cap on my earning potential. I was just fortunate to end up with the job I have, even back 13 years ago when I first started (after leaving my ‘dream’ job because it was a miserable environment to work in and just couldn’t pay the bills). I knew it would be long and hard, but I eliminated virtually everything not necessary from my budget and to be honest was pretty lonely and didn’t have much of a life for the next several years, but I looked at my banking statement one day three years ago and realized I had paid that debt completely off. I only finally got the divorce papers signed last year (1yr anniversary of it in 6 days!), worked at everything I could do to alleviate my being clinically depressed, and now encroaching on my 40’s am still broke, but no longer cripplingly so; I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and I have 20ish solid working years ahead of me to make and save money, same as you. And you have far higher the potential earning potential that I have, no matter what your degrees are in, just even by virtue of you having them. I know it rarely makes a person feel better to know that others have experienced the same thing, but our stories are so, so similar, with just a few years in between us, so I know that you will feel better and you will get through this and you will be better than ever with just a little time!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad to hear that. I know it’s random how I found my way here, but when I first forayed into the blogosphere I stumbled across your blog as recommended reading, figured I’d give it a look over, and I thought what an amazing person! I was an immediate follower. We both have our own individual issues, but have gone through so many of the same things I know just how low some of those lows can be. Having a bad day/week/month does not make you any less of an amazing person. I keep coming back because I think you’re pretty damn inspiring for it, and I can tell by your comments and followers that many people who have found themselves as lost as you are feeling now have been inspired and found comfort through your words. I know I’m just a newbie blogger and a virtual stranger, but just know that if you need some extra support through this period, all you have to do is reach out xo

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Seeking god shouldn’t be for the sake of it because everything else fails. If you don’t really believe it, it will not bring you comfort.
    At the moment depression will cloud all possibilities. Nothing will be worth it. Do something for yourself to get you in a better mood then start thinking what you can do. A change of career? I’m thinking that myself. Even though I have achieved some financial stability, I have been better off in the past. However, I don’t feel the pull to delve into this profession anymore. I love what I do but it’s wearing me out, even if I have a lot more balance than I ever did. Currently, I’d like to dedicate more time to my daughter, to help her pursue her dreams and live like I never could. I’m thinking…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. that’s an incredibly honest post. Thank you. I wish I could physically touch you and let you know that this period in your life will end. Look for the little things that uplift you, a walk in a park or garden, a smile on someone’s face. There are a lot of “free” things. I had to tell myself to hunt them out during my worst depression days (& TBH there are still “OK” days where I have to rinse & repeat now) but it made all the difference. Wishing you a lovely day.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My dear, first I want to send you lots of hugs and love.

    Second, as I was reading what you wrote, it’s as if you were speaking from my heart, so please know you’re not alone.

    Third, maybe like me, you put a lot of pressure on yourself and expect a lot. Maybe let it all go (worrying about payments and what your life will be like), but just don’t give up sweetheart. You’ve come too far to give up now my dear. Your scores speak for themselves, you’re extremely smart, so please don’t give up now. Taking it all in at a go might seem daunting, so just do 1 thing. Maybe just pick up the paper and place it on your table and write a heading. If it’s an electronic assignment, just do something overtly small, but HUGE for you. I bet you’ll feel empowered.

    Lastly, we may be far away, but we’re all here to support you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I’m so sad to read that you’re having these difficult moments. I don’t know if it helps to know that you’re not alone in this.
    What are you reading right now? I would recommend one of Marianne Williamson’s books to you – A Return To Love.

    Liked by 1 person

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