Second thoughts and doubts…

You might have noticed, but I question everything about myself…

I have been on a mission to find greater peace in myself, and a week ago I made the decision that it might be time to let this blog go.  Truthfully, I don’t think I can do that. And I am not so sure I can change who I am – mostly because I really, really, really love dresses!  I like wearing them and I like feeling like my inner girl can escape and not feel so trapped. I really do feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body and as much as I don’t like it, I also love it.

Does any of that even begin to make sense?

Today, I read Psalm 25, which is a prayer asking God for forgiveness and freedom of sins.  I know religion is a controversial topic for a lot of people and the concept of sin and sinful behavior even more so.  I find myself enjoying praying more and more and I find that I can appreciate God loves me, but I question so much about my sexuality and gender identity. Growing up catholic, there is distinct “rules”, for lack of a better term, that defines sins and sinful behavior and I used to accept all of these in stride and assume that any of the desires and temptations of such things are simple human nature.

Now, of course, I’m curious about the nature of sin and what it truly does to a person. I can recite all of the text book answers, of course, and I love the encouragement I receive from so many people here on WordPress. But I can’t find anyway to not feel like a damaged and disturbed person. Even in my feelings of serenity when I accept what I have come to believe is my true nature, I also feel conflicted in realizing that I don’t meet any normal standards of acceptance. Even being a scientist, I conceptualize things like gender and sexuality in almost concrete terms – the idea of categorizing as a means to explain.

Last week, I “accepted” that I am a man and that it is not up to me how I live my life, but it is up to God. I felt like I made that realization freely and felt comfortable with it, but yesterday as I saw all kinds of women wearing all kinds of different outfits and dresses, I couldn’t help but experiencing the desire to be a woman. I wanted to feel girly and feminine again. I always take some sort of twisted fun when someone assumes I’m a girl, because it makes me feel like it’s natural instead of me forcing something untrue about myself.

Anyways, I’m rambling and I just wanted to say I’m sticking around…even if it’s only sporadic appearances.

I have not given up exploring myself and I am happy admitting that I love God and that I hope he loves me – even if I am unorthodox…

Hugs & kisses! ❤

~Stephanie (Tar)

 

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17 thoughts on “Second thoughts and doubts…”

  1. We are all damaged and disturbed to one degree or another so you’re not the only one nor are you the only one who gives themselves major headaches worrying about it. Those of us who are sans those headaches “simply” accept that this is who and what we are, that we’re not perfect, will never be perfect, and oddly don’t want to be perfect – where’s the fun in that?

    We accept ourselves and keep moving because to not do this keeps us stuck in place while the rest of life whizzes past us, leaving us behind and unable to catch up – definitely not fun.

    The nature of sin is easy to understand: Any time you do something that’s not according to what the bible tells us, it’s a sin, like violating any of the Ten Commandments or any of the biblical laws found in the Old Testament. But as mentioned in the New Testament, let he who is without sin cast the first stone; religion teaches that we are all born into sin but that Jesus died on the cross so that all of our sins would be washed away and forgiven and if you’ve accepted Christ as your personal savior and have been baptized. you’re good to go because it was known even way back then that while you can do your best to keep from sinning, it’s impossible to not sin.

    You accept this and understand that it serves you no real or good purpose to keep worrying about something that you should have already placed in God’s hands to begin with – so you don’t have to worry about it. They tell us that God has a plan for each and every one of us and one of our “jobs” is to try to figure out what that plan is so that we can follow it and like I keep asking you, how do you know that God’s plan for you isn’t being carried out, that you’re supposed to be Stephanie and Tar and find purpose in this?

    “Normal standards of acceptance” – and what does that really mean? And who among us actually matches that general description? I don’t and no one I personally know does and while you can look up what the word “normal” means, we all pretty much accept that “normal” means whatever works for us… even if what’s working doesn’t subscribe to a majority’s definition. I am bisexual; that’s considered not to be normal under those self-righteous standards of acceptance – yet, it’s normal for me; it works for me and if someone doesn’t or can’t accept that this is my idea of normal, well, they can go piss up a rope. At the end of any day, it doesn’t matter if others feel that I don’t measure up to this bullshit standard and find me unacceptable… as long as I can and have accepted that this is who and what I am and that it works for me.

    As you are finding out, you can make yourself insane trying to hold yourself to a normal standard of acceptance that most people aren’t even close to meeting. You accept yourself and declare, “This is normal for me!” We who follow you, if you’ve ever really noticed, don’t question whether being Tar/Stephanie is normal for you – but myself, in particular, knows it’s not normal for anyone to be making themselves crazy about this. We accept you as you are but if you’re waiting for the world at large to accept you, well, don’t hold your breath and, really, instead of you trying to meet some stupid-assed “normal standards of acceptance,” your time and energy would be best spent in finding out how to be the best Tar/Stephanie you can be while doing the best you can with what you have at hand.

    Are you truly a woman trapped in a man’s body? Probably and more so since you’re obviously not the only one. Is it normal? Who knows? Does it meet those “normal standards of acceptance” you talked about? Uh, no, it doesn’t and no more than my being bisexual meets those standards and since I know you read my blog, um, does it look like I lose any sleep worrying about not meeting those standards?

    Why do you keep worrying about it? Should you be worrying about it? And has it done you one bit of good worrying about it?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. No, my friend, you certainly don’t seem to lose sleep over it at all.
      I’m not nearly as crazy about it as I used to be – in fact, I feel myself getting closer and closer to that self-acceptance. I believe I am traversing another step to that end.

      Like

  2. You have an inner woman, and there is nothing wrong in that, ‘We’ Humanity come ‘in all shapes and sizes’.
    What is wrong in Humanity is being blinded by Hate and ignorance and thinking that hurting people either physically or mentally is good. (Now that’s my battlefield- I loath intolerance to the extent my responses are extreme- and not in a good way- I must struggle to keep those under control)
    You care, you are sensitive and this is a difficult time for you. Hang on in there on WordPress and enrich its community with your thoughts and feelings.
    Best wishes to you.
    Roger

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I’m happy that you’re sticking around, no matter how frequent… or infrequent. Funny, I was just responding to your “likes without reading” post… and I’ve got to admit, I tend to stay away from posts of a religious nature because of my own thoughts about religion. I don’t want to upset anyone…

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi! I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy your blog and I’m glad that you decided to keep it going! (I sent you a longer message on the comments section of your page going more into detail about how your blog has helped me) -Charlie

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What’s wrong with being damaged or disturbed? It just means you need healing. As long as you’re working towards healing, you’re fine. Don’t shame yourself. And remember that you are sacred just as you are. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sure god loves you the way you are. That’s what I believe in. Religious people say god makes no mistakes, so you can’t be a mistake. You can’t be wrong. That’s an argument I hear over and over again from religious members and supporters of the LGBT community.
    I found a blog by a pastor who is a full supporter of LGBTQ rights. I love what he says and his god speaks more to me than the one I grew up with. If you want, I’ll send you the link.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have a huge issue with organized religion. It has always been my experience that they want you to think their way instead of for yourself. It’s why I struggled for years and years with the concept of God or a Higher Power. Therefore, I like to consider myself just spiritual, looking to an HP, that I found works for my life.

    Steph, I love your posts. The fact that you dare to be who you really are is so friggin’ awesome, and in my world that is rare. You are an inspiration to me. I truly hope you don’t go anywhere anytime soon, because I, for one, will miss you terribly!

    Liked by 1 person

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