I’m not sure what to think anymore. The last time I posted, I was pretty sure what direction I needed to take my life. In fact, I even went to confession again today. I confessed not understanding how to accept my life and wanting something different than what is given to me. The priest, ever so kind in his words, expressed that I was experiencing a spiritual battle and I was losing because I wasn’t allowing God to fight the battle.

Okay, I get it…get out of God’s way…

And then, I went to watch a concert with a local band at an outside venue. And i couldn’t resist…there were so many girls wearing cute summer dresses and I began imagining myself in those dresses. So, so, so, so cuuuuute! I wish I had my camera ready to capture some pictures. So cute! And I found myself, instantly jealous and wishing to be Stephanie again. I just really love dresses.

I’m so confused…


22 thoughts on “Aaaaagggggghhhhhh…..!!!!”

  1. Hi, sweets,

    I can understand wrestling with a “vice” (in Christian language, I guess…) and feeling like you’re losing the battle. I feel that way often. You are so brave for continuing to fight. Remember that you will lose battles on the way to winning the war. There will be days when you cave, weeks when you cry, and months when you mope.

    Remember to value your transgenderism. You may not feel that cross-dressing and the like is Ma’at (which I respect, if you truly feel that way), but the world badly needs men who are deeply in touch with their feminine sides – even women in men’s bodies. You might not understand this, but even women need you. I am deeply attracted to trans “women” and feel they heal something deeply wounded within me – especially when they are confident in their gender identity, but still present in a way that is vaguely masculine (not in a stereotypical way, but more in their essence; unfortunately, I’m not attracted to cross-dressing).

    You are deeply important to humanity and to God. Only you know what your sexual covenant with God is – what feels right/good to you, and what feels bad. Do your best to bear your cross, and fight for what you feel is right. Just because you may not feel good after you engage in some forms of sexual expression doesn’t mean that who you are is not ok. Don’t confuse the two. And remember that plenty of fat women can’t wear sundresses and strappy sandals. That doesn’t make them any less of a woman.

    Good luck, and blessed be. I’m rooting for you. In my eyes, you’re a success.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I value you exactly how you are, being Tar or being Stephanie. The way I have come to think is that, if religion can’t accept me as I am, then it does not represent my god.
    It’s up to you to find yours but if it makes you miserable, it’s not right.
    I believe in good actions, living a full life, helping others. Does that really change if you want to wear a dress? No. Do you become a bad person because of it? No.
    My advice is the same as always: accept yourself and be the best human being you can be.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lately, I’m really finding that I love God…but I struggle with the idea of him loving me. This, I think, is my biggest hang-up…I don’t understand how anyone can accept me, if I can’t ever accept myself.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Welcome back to the blog and to the process of sharing your thoughts with us.
    Although most of us don’t admit it, I think we all spend some amount of our time questioning who we are. Your topic of concern might be different from mine but it doesn’t make it any less valid. I believe in God’s plans and purposes and I know if you have questions that they will be answered somehow. Be patient and keep searching for your resolution. He will show you your specific purpose.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Keep on doing what your doing hon and listen to your soul, not your head. Life is a school. We’re all here to learn. Believe it or not, you’re exactly where you’re suppose to be right now. If you didn’t question it, then I’d be worried, if that makes sense. Keep up your search until you find what you need.

    Liked by 1 person

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