This past weekend, I participated in some things as if I am truly catholic. I went to confession on Saturday morning; then I spent Saturday afternoon running the steps up and down and the Mother Cabrini Shrine just outside of Denver, CO. And Sunday morning, I did something I have not done in a long time – I attended mass at my local parish. During the homily, the priest said something that stood out to me and sort of hit me upside my head. He said, “Often times we forget that we do not own our lives. That’s correct; your life is not your own, it belongs to God.” He was speaking, in reference to a new law passed in Colorado: a physician assisted suicide law. But based on my confessions, the time I spent at the Mother Cabrini Shrine and attending mass on Sunday, I am now feeling like I have been rather self-centered in how I have been approaching life. I can’t help but feel compelled to pursue something greater than myself.
I’m not going to lie, I’m not satisfied with the feeling, but I am looking around myself and I am seeing something a little more clearly. The advice I received from the confessor, is to not try and tackle all of the problems of my life and he said to focus on one thing: Make room for God, a little, every day. And I am feeling like I need to do that. When I was sitting in front of the gigantic statue of Jesus, I felt like he was looking me right in the eyes and telling me, “You are not being who my father made you to be.” I am confused, certainly, because it doesn’t align with anything that makes sense to me right now, but I felt at so much peace sitting there – a peace I have not felt in a long time and I am feeling compelled to make some changes that are long overdue. I simply felt like I am not being the man I was born to be.
Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need to pull myself away from some things that are making me feel obstructed. This blog is one of those things. But I know I struggle with commitment on anything and I know that I feel like I can’t just walk away. But I feel like that I need to do just that – walk away, clean, without worry and focus on something – like God – other than myself. I follow a few blogs on here, that have always accepted me the way I am. Granted, I feel like there is some opinions, deep down, that the way I live my life is not an acceptable way to live, but those authors have never said anything – I just know this is the case from the many years I have spent pursuing my own understanding of my catholic upbringing.
I have come to believe that my number one biggest problem is that I care about everyone’s feeling, thoughts and opinions and I spend so much time worrying if I am pleasing to others. But I believe I have lost my focus on what should truly be important and central in my life.
I’m feeling like a radical and sudden change is needed in my life…
I might abandon this blog.