An explanation…

I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.

I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.

I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.

But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.

I was removed from a project I was working on.  Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working.  When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again).  I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected.  This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.

But it made me panic, because of a number of things.  I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago.  I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc.  I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again.  I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had.  And I felt like I got back to this company by  the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.

But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.

And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.

I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything.  I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here.  I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money.  And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…

I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex.  I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).

And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…

I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously.  Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…

But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it.  It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal.  I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.

I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.

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21 thoughts on “An explanation…”

  1. I understand your place. I dislike my job. I do it for the money and for the family. I’m too old to find a new job and if you are young. Try to find something you enjoy. Don’t allow the naysayers to hold you back. I believe all things happen for a reason. Maybe time for a change?

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Yes you matter. Every inch of skin and hair making you who you are today matters. Please don’t forget that. And please never give up on wanting to do those things that make you happy. For your sake and for the sake of all the rest of us trying to patch up an equally tarnished soul.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Wow, Sweetie! And I thought I was having a rough week!
    OK, all drama aside, let’s look at this logically. You are what, 45-46? No, you are not a 20 yr. old with another 60 years ahead of you, but you are not a 70 year old who has just had their whole world jerked out from under them, either! And why not CHANGE it? Polish the resume and do some real searching into what you want. Chances are it may be in the same field or use most of the talents and skills you already have. Drop your hat in the ring and see what happens. Then, when you end up somewhere else, you just do what you do. You know what you’re worth and you know what you need, whether you believe that or not.
    Right now, when you feel time is precious, well, the biggest thief of your time is doubt and indecision.
    You are an intelligent person and you know what your responsibilities are. I am not saying to just drop everything and rely on the belief that you will be on Broadway, next month. But, I am telling you to take a deep breath, use this downtime as a gift, and make a decision to actually look and consider all the possibilities that are out there. Formulate a plan, a step by step plan, of attack and know, know, that you deserve to have peace and joy in your life. Find it and claim it!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for these words. They really inspire me, actually. And I began applying for other jobs today. Hopefully, something will own out because of like to think someone will notice my talent and abilities

      Like

  4. Oooh my tarnished …

    That was a big blow.. and I know your panic reactions ..,
    But I believe you are going to bounce back and find something that makes you happy…I always believe in everything happens for a reason..
    and this door is shut for another to be open to better things…
    they might have just done you the biggest favor…

    But I still understand how you maybe having financial anxieties…

    It’s a little setback but don’t give up on you..
    you will get pass this phase and overcome once again…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It usually helps when you like/love a job – makes it easy getting up in the morning and going in to do it but there are times when you ain’t feeling your job that you just gotta do it anyway if you like getting paid, like eating, having shelter from the weather, a place to sleep, stuff like that.

    It’s that focus called a sense of purpose… even if the purpose is to remain employed and get paid; I’m sure you remember all too well what you went through when you weren’t employed and getting paid (I sure as hell do). Here’s this, though: If you knew you’d be out in the field when you took the job – and you don’t like being out in the field – why take the job? I know when people are doing a part of their job that, to them, just sucks, they have a tendency to half-ass it because their dislike of that particular thing is greater than their sense of responsibility.

    Most people who have a run-in like you did wind up being unemployed so, on the one hand, you seem to have dodged a bullet – this time. You need to work… so, damn it, do the job to the best of your ability. Ya might not like working in the field but if you gotta do it, then suck it up and do it.

    Liked by 1 person

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