One of the things I have noticed most about my mental health is the constant, never-ending ebb and flow of my emotions. I can go from such extreme highs to such extreme lows. I enjoy the highs so much, because I feel happy and energetic and motivated, but days like today I wake up wondering if there is a point to any of this thing we call life. I have a few stressors (sometimes referred to as “triggers”) at the moment and I’m trying to decide how to address them all.
I’ve spent a little too much out of my monthly budget this month. I’m currently about $600 over what I need to spend this month. Normally, it’s not a major deal for me to make-up a difference like that, by taking on my part time job – I drive for a couple of ride-shares. The problem is that I don’t feel like doing it, since I have this week off, before heading back to my normal job. I want to be able to relax and enjoy some days off, before going back to work. I already have errands I need to get done and I have to do some home maintenance kind of things to prepare for the summer. Time and money are NOT my friends this month. In fact, I think they are both evil-bitches!
Another thing I’m irritated about today is working on my BYJ. Today’s exercise is something to do with not having unrealistic comparisons to others. It goes on to mention that the Beauty Industry is unrealistic and the author suggests Google (or other search engine) search “Photoshop before and after images”. It’s pretty amazing the transformations people can have when using a tool like Photoshop. Granted, I saw some amazing differences with some of the images, but I found that there were some that only minor changes had been made. For me – and what is triggering me – is that it’s making me feel like I am never going to be what I would like to be and I want to accept it, but I just don’t know how. What I don’t want to do, however, is have another emotional meltdown over something so obvious.
And it creates in me the inner turmoil I constantly fight over my sexuality… On the one had, I used to feel like I was coming to greater resolution with my sexuality – accepting it as it is – I am capable of loving either a woman or a man. I felt like I was at a point where being who I was as a bisexual man was feeling “okay”, but as I began to explore this within myself, I found myself more comfortable with my sexuality in terms of my gender-identity. I have always felt feminine, although I did a damned good job hiding it behind my masculinity. Or did I? I take comfort in some aspects of feeling feminine, but there are other aspects that simply remind me how far removed I am from being a woman.
Another thing setting my mind into negativity today is that I have a routine check-up at the doctor’s office today – specifically with my endocrinologist. (I’m a type 1 diabetic, for those of you who don’t know. I have had insulin dependent diabetes since I was 8 years old – about 36 years). I do this every 3 – 4 months, as a nice reminder how I’m not healthy. Okay….um…that’s my interpretation, and not the doctor’s. I had some goals I wanted to accomplish the last time I was in and I’m frustrated that I haven’t accomplished them. I am 6 pounds down from the last time I went, but I was hoping for 10-15 pounds down. I do believe my blood sugars are better than last time, but they are still not where they need to be. I have also realized that the last time I went, I was not drinking at all and I have started again…even if, not as much. I also realized, that there are two medications I am supposed to take regularly, that have been sporadic on. Again, I’m doing better than before, but it’s still sporadic.
I think the only saving grace I feel, right now, is that I have been walking. I have been making it a point to walk on a daily basis. I know I want to change things, but I also know I am no where near as wonderful as I once thought I was…hahaha! But I receive encouragement and I am trying, really hard, to make some changes in my life. But with everything I am waking up to today, I just feel overwhelmed and burdened. I feel responsibility on my shoulders at all times and I feel kind of alone in all of this.
And to top it off, I received a phone call from my maybe-soon-to-be-ex last night. We argued, of course, about how much responsibility is mine over the failure of our marriage. I’m now at a point where I have lost my desire to care. I listened to the ranting for an hour and when I was asked what I had to say, I simply and calmly said, “I have no idea why anyone would stay or be married to the person you described me as… I would end it immediately.” And I hung up. I guess, if you hate someone, then it’s your own responsibility to choose to stay or not, right?
All I know, today, is that I have to get through it and I haven’t figured out how. There are so many days where I wish someone would do it for me. But I know this is my life, this is my challenge, this is my chance to come out on top…
…some way, some how.