An Old Connection on Facebook…

Someone I had not seen in ages sent me a Friend request on Facebook, this past weekend. I had not seen him in almost 20 years. He was a good friend of mine back in high school, but we lost touch over the years.  Obviously, with things like Facebook, you can look people up that you haven’t seen in forever and reconnect with them.  And I have mixed emotions about my friend reconnecting with me.

It’s not like there is any bad blood between us or anything. Our friendship was never strained or anything like that. I can’t even think of a time were he and I had any cross-feelings between us. But he is unaware of my sexuality and I am quite aware that I think I loved him back when we were friends. At the time, I had ignored any inclination that I might be gay, bi or anything other than straight, so being able to admit this to my friend would have evaded me.  But, seeing his friend request, literally made my heart leap.

I was excited to hear from him. I remember the way he used to carry himself – confident – a little cocky – inclined towards a sexual nature (but always with women). Although, at the time I had already been engaged in sexual activity with another friend of ours, I was still enamored with him.  I remember hanging out with him all of the time. I was young, of course, so I noticed the way his biceps bulged, the way he walked, his muscular rear and strong legs. Seeing his name in my Facebook invitations made me excited all over again.  For an instant, I considered telling him, “I’m so glad you found me. I have missed you and I want you.”  Okay, it was fleeting, because of all the other things going on in life, right now, but the feelings came rushing in and they unnerved me a little.

Well, come to find out, he has been married three times and is on marriage number four. He has children with one woman and has begun a family with this current one.  Talking to him, I got the distinct impression his mentality has not changed much since high school.  It was a bit of a disappointment; regardless, I was still quite aware of the incompatibility between us on a physical level. It’s obvious, he is quite into “girly girls” and I, simply, am not one.  He wouldn’t ever be attracted to me and that is quite clear, but it didn’t cause me to pause and appreciate that at one time I think I loved him…

But today is different and I have different things going on in life…

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