This past few days have been an emotional roller coaster, for sure. As I mentioned, previously, my grandmother passed away and we had a funeral. Of course, coming from a catholic background it wasn’t JUST a funeral – it was a large mass of people gathering together to see my grandmother in a viewing (commonly referred to as a ‘wake’) and recitation of the Rosary. I took my rosary beads today and recited it along with the deacon from my grandmother’s church – I was shocked I even remembered it after all of these years. Then, of course was the funeral mass, followed by the internment at the gravesite.
I felt I was holding it all together. But, right after the Rosary, the people from the funeral home had begun to fold the white cloth draped across my grandmother’s casket and place it inside with her and then lowered the lid to cover her for the mass. My eyes filled with tears and as the lid closed, I thought to myself, “That’s the last I’m ever going to see her.” It was a difficult emotion. One of my aunt’s had also read a eulogy and something struck me as I watched my mom and each of her siblings take a role in the mass – they all avoided emotion today. This is something I have adopted over my life – although, I am learning to embrace the softer sides of myself and appreciating that it is okay to cry once in a while. I let it go at the time, but it struck me as odd. It was a beautiful service and ceremony.
I saw so many emotions today – some laughter, some sorrow, some remorse, some gratitude, some relief, some pain and even some joy. I heard stories about my grandmother – many, of course, I already knew. But I also heard some amazing stories about her character and she was a fighter and a warrior for her children – and us grandchildren. Her family is her testament to the world. I couldn’t help but focus some things inwardly and contemplate how I might be a better person to better exemplify values that my grandmother instilled in my mom and my mother’s siblings. I didn’t like how it was making me feel, because I was beginning to feel regret and ponder if I am living my life appropriately.
But I also had the chance to see many people I had not seen in many years. I even saw who I had shared my very first kiss (Relax, relax, weirdoes – it was a daughter of one my grandmother’s friends), saw family members from different parts of the country, saw family friends and family neighbors and people I never knew existed. It made me reminisce about so much. I visited with people, shared stories with people and it was exhausting for sure. All of the emotions that goes into all of the events of a single day can be overwhelming.
These were sad, but joyful interactions…
And now, I will spend a couple of days in the mountains – for me.