Family, death, emotions and …a boyfriend?

One thing about a death in your family, is how it brings out so many people and family you haven’t seen in years.  I’m spending the spending the next couple of days seeing family and people connected to my family that I have not seen in years (Is that an awkward statement?). Obviously, I’m hearing all about people’s families and where they live who they are what they do, etc.etc. There are old emotions involved, old hurts exposed and, yet, happiness in seeing people that you have missed. Seeing my grandparents’ home, which I haven’t visited in almost a year (sadly) is also brining back a ton of childhood memories.

My estranged spouse has also called and asked if she could attend these things with me.  I’m not a cold, mean, bitch, so I agreed – she has connections here anyways. But, the entire time I’m with her, I am hearing all about the different family members of mine that she hates and can’t stand.  She has always felt that I never had her side about things that she has been offended about. She has some validity in some of her complaints, but all I can think is, “How, during this time – someone’s funeral – can you honestly make this about you?”  I let the thought go, because I don’t want to argue, and I feel like I am already moving on. But I also noticed that I was beginning to get upset with some of my family members, just because she was upset with them.  Sometimes, I hate that about myself – I adopt someone else’s feelings about things instead of just sticking to my own. Sigh…

I sat with my grandfather yesterday. We had dinner and I was listening to him and my mother talk about different things. As I sat and watched him and listened, I was hit with profound respect, as I recalled a conversation I had with one of my aunts earlier in the day. She had mentioned that he had told her, “I don’t want to live alone, I’ve lived in this house for 55 years with her…”. Of course, he was referring to my grandma.  My heart was breaking for him.  Since my grandparents come from what’s been called “The Greatest Generation”, you can imagine his resilience as a man from that time. I don’t think I have ever seen this man in a vulnerable state.

My mom and I were walking around this house. At one time it was a dinky little, one bedroom farm house. My grandfather had turned into a phenomenal house. He built a garage, turned the house into a four bedroom house. He turned an old dirt cellar into warm basement. and inviting house. They had expanded this house to accommodate their four daughter’s families during great holiday dinners. My mom was pointing out different places in the house where such and such item used to be. We walked through different rooms, remembering different things. We came across an old trunk in their storage room – the room I remember filled with tons of mason jars from when my grandmother did some canning. The storage room I was terrified of when I was a little boy (or was I little girl?). The old trunk was full of photo albums, thousands of old photographs were in there and I wanted to dig into it, but my mom stopped me and expressed my grandpa didn’t want anyone going through anything until after the funeral. I respected that…he probably needed to put some closure on things.

We wrapped up the evening, and my mom had expressed that they made me a pallbearer for the funeral. I became instantly aware that my mom didn’t know I was wearing panties at the moment. I have been wearing them more and more lately, as I begin to accept what I think is my true self. I began to feel guilty, like this is not what people should expect from me. They all think of me as the first grandson and not a granddaughter. I look at all my grandfather had done for my grandmother and I knew I could never be the man he was, and I knew I felt more feminine then masculine, and my guilt pushed into me like a fury.

Later, last night, as I sat down and checked emails I had an email from a guy I had been talking to hear and there for about the last month (I know, I know…I’ve kept it a secret and haven’t told anyone about him).  When I separated from my wife, I made the decision that it was okay to begin meeting people. Granted, I haven’t met anyone yet, but have one personal’s ad online and receive a few emails from time to time.  Nothing has struck me as worth-while yet; mostly, because a lot of the guys are looking for hook-ups and I don’t want a hook-up. But last night, the email I received asked me, “Are you looking for a boyfriend?”

I don’t know that there is the right chemistry with this guy, but the question was real. I am feeling overwhelmed with all of the emotions of this week, overwhelmed with trying positivity on my persona, overwhelmed with the path I’m taking towards divorce, overwhelmed with my grandmother’s death, and overwhelmed with accepting Stephanie (although I love her more and more each day). So I replied to him and told him, “I’m not so sure, I’m the girl for you. And I have so much going on right now with this funeral.” He replied, quickly and told me, “Fuck off, faggot bitch!” Obviously, I made the correct decision.

Sometimes, I just don’t have answers, and I need to live today for today and be available to the people that care…right now, that’s my family. And I’m changing for the better – I went for a walk, last night.


29 thoughts on “Family, death, emotions and …a boyfriend?”

  1. You made the right decision. You did what you needed to do and wait until it felt right and not jump in to something. That is so important and such a great choice! Grieve and grow as you need to. Don’t let anyone rush you.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I am sorry for your loss. I imagine it must be a tough time to revisit the past and to also start new things at the same time but I admire you for taking control of your life and your emotions, instead of allowing things to just happen to you.
    All the best for today.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, my friend.
      I’ve come to a point, I think, where I no longer control my emotions…if I feel like laughing, I laugh; if I feel like crying, I cry; if I feel like loving, then I’ll love; if I feel anything, I’m going to feel. I have found I have more power in my being, by allowing myself to emote (is that a word? lol). I am trying to place more acceptance on the things I cannot control, and I feel when I do this, I have more control over my reactions to them. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Hang tough. You’ve got a ton of shit goin’ on (and I wasn’t aware y’all had separated). Probably not the best time to start any kind of relationship anyway….especially with an asshat like that. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Meh. To hell with that dude. People certainly can reveal their true selves. This is a big step for you. You have the right to go at your own pace. If they don’t like, too fucking bad. Never settle. 😊

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Sorry for your loss. You’re doing the right thing, you must give yourself time to heal and recover. A new relationship can be overwhelming at times and I guess what you need right now is some time with yourself before you can share your life with another. Take care. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m sorry for your loss. Take care of your grandad. He will need it.
    I remember when my granma fell ill with Alzheimer, he prayed every single day that God would take him first because he couldn’t live without her. He wanted her there, even if she didn’t recognise him anymore.
    On another note, I don’t think that ad does you any good. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe it’s just me but I don’t see it working.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Well, you said you liked me because I was honest-
    Nope, the ad is not god for you, right now. You have your plate full enough with trying to understand what you need and how you feel without trying to have a relationship, which involves trying to know and understand what someone else needs and and feels. Minus the ex and this trip home could be a very positive and reflective time for you.
    About the ex. She is there, but no more your responsibility than anyone else, there…even less, actually.
    She is the person she is, let her be that person….from across the room!
    You are who you are and who you are becoming. DO NOT LET ANYTHING THREATEN THAT!
    Stay strong, Hon, in both conviction and heart, for both are good and worthy! HUG.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, so much! I do appreciate your words and that you’re upfront with me. I knew it when this happened and I just, at that moment, decided, “What am I doing?! Get right with yourself, girl!”

      Liked by 1 person

  7. First of all, I’m so sorry for you loss. Sounds like you are in the midst of big experiences, which is never easy. But truly, it sounds like you’re handling it with open eyes and staying strong (even the strength in letting yourself cry whenever you want!). Hugs to you.

    Liked by 2 people

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