Okay, so I have obviously been wracking my brain over my issues again. I go on these quests to try and understand myself. I go on these days-long sprees of questioning everything about myself, questioning God, questioning my relationships in life, questioning my sexuality, questioning my purpose, questioning my existence, etc. I think you sort of get the point. I ignore the things that make me happy, I ignore the things that give me peace and I feel immense guilt over things that are relatively harmless to anyone other than, possibly, myself (and even that is questionable). I over think EVERYHTING – God, science, religion, society, myself, other people, etc., etc. You all have, literally, been telling me to stop doing that. But I have a bit od a hard head and don’t listen very well at all. It’s quite obvious that I do it to myself – I was even threatened with a being bent over someone’s knee and spanked because of it.
But here’s the thing, I think I might have had an ah-ha moment! I’m literally not doing anything I enjoy. I have some how convinced myself that I can’t enjoy the things I enjoy. If I want to believe in a God, who is anyone to tell me I can’t? I’ve been with guys and girls, I’ve questioned my gender and even find more comfort in some feminine things than masculine things. I defy what’s “normal“, but who am I to even question that. Honestly? I like believing in a God – even if I don’t understand him or her. I take comfort in knowing that I can call out when I need to. I would like to think that I am completely normal and okay in his/her eyes.
Are there things I need to address? Absolutely! Do I need to address them all at once? Absofuckinglutely not! But the truth of the matter is that I am exhausted. I am exhausted at beating myself up, I’m exhausted trying to figure out how I should (there’s that word again that I really hate) be. I’m exhausted trying to take on the problems of the world when I am actually exhausted from dealing with my own problems. I’m tired of calling myself out on things that no one cares about, but me. I’m tired of convincing myself of negative things, because I’m too afraid of pursuing the things I know will make me happy.
I miss things. And I am the one that’s responsible for missing them. Fuck that guy that called me fat. He doesn’t know what I’ve been battling. I’m 12 pounds down from my heaviest, poop-head! I’m a strong bitch, I’ll do this. I’m fat…okay. Really, really fat. I weighed 282 pounds at my heaviest. I was able to work that down to 240 pounds at one point and then jumped back up to 278 pounds and two weeks ago I was at 266. I think I’m less than that now. And I did it because I stopped eating crap. I can continue this and I can get where I want to be. I know I can. This is my mission right now.
I’m not fond of a lot of things in life right now, but I don’t need to take those on. I feel like I need to maintain a positive attitude and I need to continue the fight I’m on. I’ll conquer all this and maybe have a fighting chance to do the things I love again. I began this mission a while ago and it hasn’t been perfect, but I will not give up.
I’ve been reading a lot of things today. And I am inspired. I know I’m not perfect. I know how I feel has a tremendous amount to do with my horrible self-esteem. Maybe I have gender-identity issues. Maybe I don’t know my head from my ass too, but do I need to stress over it? Maybe I am not truly happy with my career at the moment, but I got raked over the fricken coals the past couple of years – I think I have the right to feel a little bitter about it all. So what if I have some resentments over relationships for now? I’ve been in a fucked-up relationship for way too long and maybe my heart needs to develop a little scar tissue to protect it. Maybe I’ve been a complete jerk to people and I need to forgive myself for the things I have done.
But today, I bring it back to basics – I need to be healthy. I need to feed my body the right foods. I need to feed my mind the right knowledge. I need to feed my soul with good people. I need to feed my spirituality with a connection to something greater than myself. I need love myself, so I can actually know what the fuck it feels like…
I fucking deserve this!
And by the way, I only ate a couple of twinkies – I stopped and decided I had a choice. I made the right one.
(Please pardon the harsh language. I actually kind of pride myself on not being too vulgar, unless it’s warranted).