I need to be Sober in a lot of things…

Many of you know, that I have struggled with drinking.  Over the past few years, I have tossed the idea around that I may or may not be an alcoholic. I have not, actually, been drunk in almost 7 years, but I would still have a couple of beers every night for almost all of those 7 years.  When I came to the lowest point of my depression and contemplated suicide, almost 2 years ago, I was seeing a therapist that gave me a list of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I began going. And I struggled with it, like I do a lot of things. Is it the anxiety? IS it the depression? Who really fucking knows?

I struggled going to those meetings for over a year.  I was engaged in a lot of the positive messages, but struggled nonetheless. I would go back and forth trying to figure out if I can go back out and try what AA members refer to as “controlled drinking”. I always thought that sounded asinine – I mean, if you have to call it controlled drinking, then you’ve got a problem.  No, I’m way to smart for that (This is sarcasm, by the way), I didn’t call it anything other than “I’m not an alcoholic. I’ll quit anytime I want.” It was to a point where I had someone ask me at a meeting once, if I was up to my 30th 24-hr chip. I had made up my mind that I would show everyone there that I could do it. In fact, I made it past 90 days, at one point. Unfortunately, I have had some beer, since then.

I have gone out and drank. I haven’t gotten drunk, but I began to have a beer here and there and then I began having a couple here and there. My current job, when on the jobsite, doesn’t allow alcohol, so I can go two weeks without a beer and not even think about it – unless I feel like crap.

Why am I mentioning this?

Because, today, I want to cram a box full of twinkies down my throat. Yesterday, I had someone refer to me as fat. It’s not the first time it’s happened. I call myself fat, so why wouldn’t anyone else? No one can tell I’ve lost 12 pounds trying to eat right, no one can tell that my pants are a little looser around my waist, no one can tell that I am doing better. What they can see is that I’m not slim, I’m not fit, I’m not sexy. I mentioned, before, that one of my hang-ups about my gender-identity is that I can’t feel good in my body. I can’t find a happy medium on how to feel better.

And so, after hearing that I am fat, I did the first thing that made sense – I went to the store and picked up a package of twinkies, a package of cookies and a bag full of chips, after buying myself a chocolate shake and downing it. I haven’t eaten any of the crap I bought – oh wait, yes I did…for breakfast, I ate the damn donuts I bought. And now, as I am writing this, just a mere four feet away are the box of twinkies. I know it’ll bring me some pleasure for the 3.4 seconds it’ll take me to cram those yellow cakes of creamy goodness down my throat, and I know that it’ll be detrimental to my health.

Maybe that’s the essence of the psychological hook on addiction? Maybe that’s why I could be an alcoholic. And then it makes me think of other ways I have sought temporary pleasure when it comes to feeling horrible about myself: food, sex, masturbation, beer, being online, etc.  There is a list, I’m sure could go on and on. I think I run from what hurts me, I run from it and engage in destructive behaviors. Somewhere along the line, I began to question myself, I began to question my own self-worth. I began to question my own reality. I began to question anything I see as unique and positive about me. I began to think nothing really matters, because nothing can really make me happy.

And then I wonder, if keeping a blog like this does the same…

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28 thoughts on “I need to be Sober in a lot of things…”

  1. I can tell you that writing a blog isn’t supposed to make you happy; for many of us, it’s a place we can air our heads out about stuff and actually get some feedback to, which is better than asking yourself questions you can’t think of answers to.

    You’ve been on this quest to find happiness and I wonder if you truly realize that happiness isn’t going to just drop into your lap or raise its metaphorical hand just because you’re looking it? I wonder if you really understand that the onus is ours to find – and, to some extent, create – that which could make us happy and that to maintain a level of happiness, you gotta work at it because happiness is not self-sustaining?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I just feel stuck in the routines of my life and trapped by the obligations I need to maintain. Letting go of anything, feels like EVERYTHING topples down. I know it’s like a dog chasing it’s tail, but it’s where I’m at for the time. I maintain by reminding myself that everything is temporary…but my tenacity and resilience are wearing thin.

      What happened to the comment you left on my post, yesterday? I was going to comment on it and it’s not there now…

      Like

      1. I dunno what happened to it; I’ll look in my “Commented On” section and see if it’s there. My friend, we are all trapped by routine and obligation and it always seems as if there’s no escape from them and, yes, sometimes, it all comes crashing down around us. Some of us understand that if we’re not struggling with something, we’re not really living but some of us also understand that if we worry about the struggle, we’re not living – we are merely existing and that’s no fun at all.

        Sometimes we have some help along the way; sometimes we HAVE to go it alone because we’re the only ones who can resolve a certain thing under the auspices of no one is gonna do it for us.

        I’ve been at the routine/obligation thing longer than you have and, yes, I get damned tired of it and get tired of chasing my tail… but my tenacity and resilience remains intact because, kinda simply, while others may not believe in me, I believe in myself and quitting, in any form, is NEVER an option.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Happiness is…. I think happiness is where you are. Look for it and it eludes you because is this really it or is there more? But if you just experience things and see the small wonders around you and happening to you that is pure happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I truly truly agree with Kdaddy on this. Blogging won’t make you happy. Its meant as a place where you can get support from people that will care about you and help you along the way as we all try to cultivate each other.

    I remember a while ago you made some post about a bunch of things you really enjoyed doing that you no longer do, and it resonated with me so much. I love karaoke, bowling, and hiking, but aside form karaokiing in Barcelona once a week when do I ever do any of those things? I also have a poor relationship with myself, and I’ve tried to find happiness in girls which obviously is just self destructive. Every time I get rejected it just sabotages my self worth and the hope I had before becomes daggers in mind just devastating me.

    I had the most incredibly beautiful Japanese girl of my dreams back in 2013 for a year that I wanted to marry and I remember a night where I literally cried in her arms. She held me and said that she loved me more than anything, that she had no intention of leaving me, but that even if she loved me that it wouldn’t be enough to make me love myself and become more confident. Of course my own inadequacies would lead to our breakup and I’ve never really gotten over her, but maybe its because I just like the pain because it feeds my ego in terms of fear.

    I’ll never forget that, her, or what losing her meant to me, that I needed to find happiness, so I wouldn’t fuck it up with the next girls I met, and of course I met a couple of really gorgeous Chinese girls in 2014 that I dated for a few months and of course it fizzled out due to the same inadequacies. You liked the post orbital, and that post is actually written from her point of view to me about the fact that I now have a new girlfriend in Thailand, and that although I likely have a better relationship with myself than I did before, not to forget that I’m responsible for my happiness and not to rely on my new gf like I did my ex gf and to try to be the best person I can.

    You also struggle with a sense of a higher power. You are the higher power!!! You are a beautiful woman in a man’s body, or a feminine man, whatever you’d like to describe yourself as, and you have the capacity to shape your destiny. You are the creator!

    I genuinely don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I feel like Samuel L. Jackson in Pulp Fiction and that finally getting out of poker was the blessing in disguise I needed, so I could start teaching, meeting new people, and emancipating from my mom. Like he did, there’s a lot of things I just want to let go of, and have felt the touch of God. And now I will walk the earth like he planned to until I find out what I’m supposed to do, maybe its teaching, maybe its not, but its what I want to be doing right now and that gives me a sense of purpose and hope.

    You often say that the guys at your work are very mysogynistic and it likely will lead to you feeling hurt. You’re also in a toxic marriage from what you’ve posted. There are things in your life that make you unhappy, so try to find a way out. I’ve been stuck in myself for so long, and I still am, but I’m trying to find ways to make myself happy. This blog, for both of us, is one of them, but we both have to find ways to make ourselves happy to love ourselves because its unfair to others to expect them to do it for us.

    Not trying to be harsh, but see you in a lot of the same struggles for a while now. Find things that make you happy and get rid of those that don’t. Maybe go back to that list.

    Really hope this wasn’t harsh, but I care about you and don’t want to see you hurting. You’re a beautiful soul and I will try to send all the love and good vibes your way I can, but they can only do so much, just like my close support system can only do so much for me.

    Love you and hope things better sister!

    -Pharaoh

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Pharoah,

      I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. That was truly heartfelt and I can feel the care and concern you express. You highlighted some very intimate and painful memories you have as a way to help me and that kind of sacrifice (exposing your own vulnerabilities) as a way to make me feel better really warms my heart. Thank you! Please know that I’m not giving up, but I find that I need to express the things that go on in my mind. I do need to find happiness. And I realize I’m the only one who can do that…
      Thank you so much! xoxoxox ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You are working your way to the clarity and understanding of yourself the same way we all must. One shit storm and fall forward at a time. I think you’re more sober than most people I know.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. You are dealing honestly and painfully with those things that chase you. Beats the hell out of hiding from them. 🥋Indomitable spirit, my friend. We learn we have it. ‘Kyung Yet’

        Liked by 1 person

  5. You know something? Your blog is a gift. My blog is a gift. Every blog that is true and honest and authentically its author’s voice is a gift. Our struggles, our triumphs (however large or small any of them may be)… they’re our gift to the world. They are the gifts of ourselves, our experiences, that we’re giving yo the world. Someday, someone may come here and your determination to never give up the fight, no matter how monumental your problems seemed to you at the time… the gift of your pain could quite possibly save someone’s life. Perhaps the very reason you suffered these great sorrows were so you would be driven to write these words, to pour your heart and soul out on ‘paper’ to these complete, utter strangers… to share your pain and suffering, so that another might one day choose to also keep fighting, like you have done. If you will find gratitude in your heart for your own suffering, if it means a life will be saved, then you will find all the reason you ever hoped to find to love yourself, wholly and completely, because “to give one’s life for a friend is the greatest love of all.” Jesus Christ Himself said that… and a person who can love another that selflessly, if nothing else, can love his ability to Be More Loving.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Have you read my post titled “Inspirational?”. It comes to mind as I read this and contemplate what you write here. I would be thankful, if I were to help someone…truly…but I can’t see how I am capable of that. I do appreciate what others can see in me, because I can’t see it – maybe, someday, I will.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Case in point. A week ago, I figured out, purely by accident, that I am highly likely on the autism spectrum. It really rocked my world, in some super weird, crazy ways… but all completely awesome thus far… but, you know how I figured it out? Reading a blog written by a woman diagnosed as an Aspie at about my age. The words she writes on the page, and the stories of those in the comments there, are like someone stole my life, changed the names, added in a kid and an extra pet or two, and put it out there for all the world to see. My most secret self. The agonies I endured, silently, while others around me were blinded by their own worries, and my exceedingly high intellect that allowed me to learn academics easily, and mimic well enough to pretend I had emotional intelligence… well enough that no one ever suspected anything was wrong for nearly 35 years.

        One blog post changed my life. It literally set things back in place for me, and changed my entire life view.

        And she (the author) has no idea who I am.

        NEVER doubt that you can change/save the life of another by sharing your pain. As long as you are ultimately working toward healing… you are setting a good example. Every time you return to AA for another 24hr chip… you are an inspiration.

        Two men start AA at the same time… late twenties. Sixty years later, one man had gotten one of every single chip there was. Just one, because he’d never slipped, not once. The other man held the AA record for most 24hr chips ever given to a single person. Ever.

        Which man was the most inspiring, the one who fell, got back up, and never fell again, or the man who fell every single day for 60 years, and got back up every. Single. Day.
        For 60 years.
        ?

        You are a gift. Your struggle can only one of two things: to benefit you, or to benefit someone else. Either way, it is a gift of love… and once you begin to see your very struggles as acts of love, guess what?

        The law of attraction therefore MUST turn your struggles into love… and they vanish, like so much smoke.

        🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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