SARD: Part 18 – When the Questions Never End…?

I have these times when I have a sudden urge to “Get right with God” – you might have noticed it.  I go through a series of mental games with myself where I fall back on assumptions I used to have about sexuality. These assumptions amount to ideas of mind over matter – in other words, I convince myself that I don’t have to be bisexual, if I don’t want to be. I go on these missions to understand WHY I have engaged in certain sexual behaviors – because there MUST be a reason, right?

I remember when I first began to question my gender, as well. I remember wondering if my sexuality and gender are intimately connected in a lot of ways. I know the common understanding is that they are separate issues, but I have always wondered about how they might be connected. I’ve said before, that in my experience I am feel more masculine when I am with women, but more feminine when I am with men.  To me, it seems readily obvious that my so-called gender identity is connected to my sexuality.

But speaking of gender identity, I’m even beginning to question that.  I ascribe to science in so many ways, and science has already determined that the genetic make-up of men and women are different, based upon the shapes of their chromosomes.  There are anomalies, just like anything else in nature, but anomalies are rare – I even read the other day that there are only like 0.023% people in the U.S. that are Transgendered (Assuming a population of 320 million, that’s still  73,600 people. I could be misquoting the statistic, but that’s still as many people that would fill up a small city like Casper, WY). So, I question who/what I am and these questions conflict with any sort of faith I may still be struggling

The problem with this is that I get overwhelmed. Some of you have seen me literally obliterate entire blogs, because of it. I’ve deleted blogs I’ve had for 2 or 3 years, sometimes, because I get so sick of the online image I present of myself, that it is so far removed from the one I have in “real” life. I’ve even posted my picture once and I had someone email me and tell me what a “great looking man” I was.  It bothered me, actually, because I don’t feel great looking and I don’t feel like a man. But the sad reality for me, is that I don’t look or feel like a woman either. I realize I’m not androgynous looking – my physical features are extremely masculine. And sometimes I feel like I want to be Dexter St. Jock, swinging my penis around like a rope and slinging it across my shoulder onto my back as if I’m the manliest stud to walk the face of the earth. And yet, I still dream of fitting into a pretty dress, squealing like a girl, and doing other feminine things.  Are my pains the results of social constructs? Some would say so. Or are my pains the result of not living within acceptance of my true self – whatever that might be?  And there are others that would think that. And, what about living how God would want me to live?  Oh, I think that would be a resounding “Yes” from some.

The problem is that I have lost myself. I have lost myself and just don’t know how to get back to feeling happy, content, peaceful, confident, etc. And these questions make me contemplate just checking out from everything – not actual life, but checking out from the current path I’m on and finding another one.  But I also feel like these feelings are temporary. I find little bits of ironies in life a lot of the time – of course, 9 out of ten times, they’re an irony in my own life. And as I feel these things, I sometimes happen upon something like this post, which gives me hope that I’m not the only one who struggles from time to time.

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9 thoughts on “SARD: Part 18 – When the Questions Never End…?”

  1. I’d venture to guess you’re far from the only one, and most have identity crises, of some sort. But hearing and knowing that is hollow at best. I wish had some great advice for you. But, life is a journey, and oftentimes a messy one. One thing I will say though, don’t ever not be you, to please others or society. You are who you are and should not be ashamed of that, no matter what anyone else thinks. As for God and the God “crowd, I’ll say this: God made you, right? You are who God wants you to be, and that’s ok. Those who say otherwise, or believe in a God who they believe would say otherwise, are narrow minded and using God to fit THEIR agenda. Period.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I hear your discomfort (I’ve read a few of your posts now). My girl/boyfriend likes man stuff and woman stuff: it’s OK. Sometimes she had boyfriends, sometimes girlfriends: it’s OK. She calls herself a lesbian, definitely, while I refuse any labels at all: it’s OK. We’re both 50, and still working stuff out: it’s OK. Everything will be OK. Everything IS already OK. Get yourself a queer-friendly, open-minded counsellor or therapist, and drink lots of water and eat more protein. Take a daily walk with a friend. Take deep breaths. It IS all going to be OK. With love from Australia, G

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are definitely not the only one who struggles. They come in different shapes and forms. Most of yours come from not accepting yourself. Remember there is no perfection and enjoy who you are.

    Liked by 1 person

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