I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.
I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.
I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.
But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.
I was removed from a project I was working on. Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working. When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again). I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected. This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.
But it made me panic, because of a number of things. I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago. I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc. I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again. I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had. And I felt like I got back to this company by the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.
But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.
And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.
I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything. I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here. I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money. And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…
I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex. I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).
And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…
I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously. Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…
But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it. It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal. I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.
I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.