“Your life is not your own…”

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This past weekend, I participated in some things as if I am truly catholic. I went to confession on Saturday morning; then I spent Saturday afternoon running the steps up and down and the Mother Cabrini Shrine just outside of Denver, CO. And Sunday morning, I did something I have not done in a long time – I attended mass at my local parish.  During the homily, the priest said something that stood out to me and sort of hit me upside my head. He said, “Often times we forget that we do not own our lives. That’s correct; your life is not your own, it belongs to God.”  He was speaking, in reference to a new law passed in Colorado: a physician assisted suicide law.  But based on my confessions, the time I spent at the Mother Cabrini Shrine and attending mass on Sunday, I am now feeling like I have been rather self-centered in how I have been approaching life. I can’t help but feel compelled to pursue something greater than myself.

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I’m not going to lie, I’m not satisfied with the feeling, but I am looking around myself and I am seeing something a little more clearly. The advice I received from the confessor, is to not try and tackle all of the problems of my life and he said to focus on one thing: Make room for God, a little, every day. And I am feeling like I need to do that.  When I was sitting in front of the gigantic statue of Jesus, I felt like he was looking me right in the eyes and telling me, “You are not being who my father made you to be.” I am confused, certainly, because it doesn’t align with anything that makes sense to me right now, but I felt at so much peace sitting there – a peace I have not felt in a long time and I am feeling compelled to make some changes that are long overdue. I simply felt like I am not being the man I was born to be.

Unfortunately, I am feeling like I need to pull myself away from some things that are making me feel obstructed. This blog is one of those things. But I know I struggle with commitment on anything and I know that I feel like I can’t just walk away.  But I feel like that I need to do just that – walk away, clean, without worry and focus on something – like God – other than myself. I follow a few blogs on here, that have always accepted me the way I am. Granted, I feel like there is some opinions, deep down, that the way I live my life is not an acceptable way to live, but those authors have never said anything – I just know this is the case from the many years I have spent pursuing my own understanding of my catholic upbringing.

I have come to believe that my number one biggest problem is that I care about everyone’s feeling, thoughts and opinions and I spend so much time worrying if I am pleasing to others. But I believe I have lost my focus on what should truly be important and central in my life.

I’m feeling like a radical and sudden change is needed in my life…

I might abandon this blog.

AJ: You Dress the Soul

Today, i received the most amazing compliment. I was discussing the duality/conflict of my gender and someone I think of as my sister said:

“You Dress the Soul and that is light years ahead of most beings who dress the flesh.”

I am really beginning to see my inner beauty and I feel more authentic everyday. I feel like a happy girl and I knew this needed to be in my Appreciation Jar.

BYJ (&QFMR): Day 39 – Have Someone Else Make a Resolution For You.

Hi everyone! 😚

I believe I’m in a better mood than the last few days and I’m ready to get back to making myself a more beautiful person – translated as “I want to be a badass!” 😎🌹💪🌻😍😁💟👗👜

Today’s BYJ task involves asking a loved one to make a resolution for me. The author suggests asking a loved one, but I’m somewhat removed from people in real life, so I thought I’d ask one of you! The author indicated that it is interesting to see your behaviors through someone else’s eyes and to attempt a c hsnge based on what they see. The author mentioned she asked her husband who only wanted her to cleanup her dish from breakfast, instead of leaving it for later. She felt it was an easy change and took care of it.

So, I ask all of you, my wonderful readers, if there is one resolution you’d like me to make, what would that be?

An explanation…

I know all of you tend to accept me just the way I am.

I know that I have friendships here on WP that I am honored to have.

I know, despite depressive anxiety attack I had come on a few days ago, none of you would expect me to explain what happened.

But I feel I need to put it down for my own sake.

I was removed from a project I was working on.  Apparently, the client felt I wasn’t proactive and available enough on the work location where I was working.  When my boss called me to inform me, I was told I wasn’t being fired or anything, but I was going to be taken off that particular project – which means I won’t be working for a while (I have 4 more days left, before I’m sitting at home again).  I was also told that one of my fellow employees felt I wasn’t doing everything they expected.  This hit me upside the head so hard, that I might have looked like a ballerina spinning around on her tip-toe – except, I’m not wearing a tutu or anything like that.

But it made me panic, because of a number of things.  I felt like I was screwed financially, again, after coming back from being laid off from this company two years ago.  I felt a rush of hatred, anger, fear, worry, etc., etc.  I didn’t know what to do, because the truth of the matter is that I knew I didn’t want to be back in the field working like this again.  I hadn’t done this particular job in almost 12 years – so it is a major step-back from the job functions I once had.  And I felt like I got back to this company by  the skin of my teeth, so I wanted to show my best and being removed from a project made me feel like a huge failure.

But, I also know I’m not happy doing this job.

And I’m frustrated, because it was a reminder of how lost I feel about everything. Having dealt with so much in the past couple of months – a death in the family, a failing marriage, financial worries, my mental health, trying to find who I am, feeling lost on my ability to succeed, etc. I’m just not sure where I should be in my life right now.

I feel like I’m at an age where I can’t make drastic career changes, because I don’t know how to start over on anything.  I went back to this company, because I knew that the pay and benefits would be great, but I know I can’t stand the micro-management that occurs here.  I also feel like a traitor to the things I used to believe in doing, but I feel like I can’t meet any of my financial obligations, if I can’t make good money.  And this current situation, just made me realize that I am a sell-out to myself…

I often hear that money doesn’t matter, when you do what you love, but I also feel like I can’t afford to do the things I love. I don’t often talk about my children online, but I am still responsible to care for them and the way the laws work in my state, I will be providing spousal support to my soon-to-be ex.  I feel conflicted between pursuing what interests me versus rising up and doing what needs to be done for those I care about (and even those I don’t want to care about).

And everything rushed in at once and sent me spiraling down…

I’m thankful so many of you were willing to check me on my “bullshit” (as kdaddy put it). I’m thankful a lot of you believe in me during those times I can’t muster the belief in myself. I’m thankful, I didn’t do anything destructive – like drink, spend money I don’t have, or go out and have sex with some random guy. Granted, I shut myself away from everyone and everything. Maybe it’s not the best thing to do, but I felt like a time bomb ready to explode and I was worried I would go from the delicate little flow I’d like to be (hahahaha!) to total crazy psycho bitch in 3.7 seconds. Truthfully, I think I should have tried to reach out to a “go-to” girl – that might have helped, tremendously.  Lack of reaching out is going to be the death of me, I think…

But I did take the time to fantasize about doing things differently. I watched some TV (That new series – “Genius” is good, by the way. I watched all 4 episodes I had DVR’d). I went to the book store and browsed some books. I even took a drive to Central City, CO and spent a little time in Golden, CO (where my alma mater is located). And I contemplated what it would be like to buck my personal system and pursue something totally different. I’ve decided I just don’t like my job and I don’t have to like it.  It’s temporary, just like everything else, and there is no need to be loyal to them anymore – they weren’t loyal to me, there is no need for me to be loyal.  I’ll continue to do my best, but I’m going to move on.

I’d like to think I’m a woman that fucking matters.