I prayed again last night. The moment hit me. And I prayed to God – or whatever Higher Power listens to me – I prayed to teach me gratefulness. I heard once that sometimes, asking for things instills expectations which instills disappointment, leading to hurt, and resulting in bitterness. But I don’t know how to be thankful, because I feel like I’m already bitter in a lot of ways. So, I asked God to show me how to be grateful.
“Why?” you might ask. Well, because of a couple of blogs I read yesterday. I won’t go into a lot of details, but there is one blogger I almost wish I could be. I compare myself to a blogger that I find happy, beautiful, and exemplifies the kind of positive attitude I wish I had (I feel almost creepy even writing this). But she had written about disappointment and being let down, but reading her words you can see the desire to be happy and content. I find that to be the height of a classy attitude – poise during disappointment. And it made me instantly aware of my inability to appreciate my life.
Here I am wishing I am someone I am not. I could never be that person, I could never be something I am not. I’m this…this person that I have such a difficult time accepting and have no ability to see how I can be accepted by others. I tend to defy everything I ever learned about life when I was young. There really is no comparison to this other person…and I can spin this in a positive way and say something of the order that I am unique in my own way, but it would be dishonest in how I’m feeling. But it made me think of how I can never actually be Stephanie and that the drastic changes that would need to be made would defy all reasoning, I believe. I have come to appreciate all of the support I receive, but I noticed the stark reality of my existence when I exited the shower last night before bed. I looked in the mirror and truly saw myself. I am this person and not that person and I need to come to a place of acceptance, just so I can function in normalcy.
I also noticed another blog, yesterday, that discussed being grateful. It hit me that I have not really been grateful for anything. I always want something else. I always want something as if the something -whatever it is – will make me happy. I find peace in nature, it’s true, but I have lost my ability to be thankful for my status in life. I feel the need to eek out some sort of happy existence – I don’t want to be part of a statistic indicating any epidemic of anything. So, as I crawled into bed last night, I humbled myself, read a passage out of the Bible and began to ask God for something I wanted and then stopped and instead asked God to show me how to be grateful.
Maybe someday, it will happen…