Today, I woke up with a desire to write some jaw-dropping and intriguing post. The reality, however, is that I think I have run out of things to discuss. Truthfully, I find myself pondering my own life and can’t help to think that I have been so utterly self-absorbed, that I have not noticed the world around me. Granted, this blog has been focused on my mental health, my sexuality, my sobriety (more on this in a moment), and sometimes my relationship. I feel like I spend a lot of time talking about these issues and I am thankful that so many of you offer your thoughts, encouragement and insight.
When I came to WordPress a few years ago (Yes, I realize this blog is only dated from June 2016 – I have had several blogs, before this one.), I intended to discuss my marriage and how horrible it was. That really didn’t happen, because I was experiencing the worst of my depression, the worst of my anxiety and the worst of my suicidal thoughts. And my blog posts began tackling those things I had been experiencing and the emotions involved in them. There were some major things that had occurred in my life that had led me to feeling the way I had been and at the time, I began loathing myself so much that it became unbearable. But, over the past couple of years, I have discussed it so much it’s not having any effect other than maintaining my awareness of it all – and I can’t help to think that it is becoming BORING. Of course, one of the issues that began to surface, as a result of my depression, was the issue of my sexuality.
On some level, I feel like me coming to terms with my sexuality has a bit of a boring fad-esque feel to it. I have had so much support here, but the reality is that I act like somehow my story needed to be told. I’ll admit, for myself, I needed to work through it, but I’m quite sure my story is no more different than the next man or woman that has experienced the trials and tribulations of being an alternative sexuality. And any search for blogs on WordPress will yield similar people feeling like their sexuality is a unique quality all on its own. I’m beginning to think the only person who actually cares is me. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think so many of you care about me as a person, but I don’t think my sexuality is near the issue to many of you that it has been to me. And, in a sense, that’s kind of the point a lot of us non-straight people would like to push – our sexualities are merely a part of who we are and shouldn’t be the defining quality of our beings. But, my only point in bringing this up is that I’m somewhat bored with it today. I don’t have anything else to say about it. Unfortunately, my sexuality and mental health were being treated by me with some serious drinking.
I’ve discussed my drinking pretty extensively, as well, and I have even tried to push myself to sobriety. I’m not going to lie, I have been having a beer or two here and there lately, but I’m not drinking to get drunk – in fact, I haven’t been drunk in almost 7 years. I question my understanding of alcoholism and if there is truly a need for me to be “dry” and sober. I ponder the realities of controlled drinking and I’m still not sure what I should be doing about any of it. I know I don’t like being drunk, so I don’t drink to get drunk. I have always liked the taste of heavy beers like stouts, but I do know there was a time when I felt like I needed to hide how I felt. I couldn’t come to terms with the fact that I was the most optimistic person and found myself in a place where I could not find positivity if it was sticking out of my ear. At the time, I felt like I needed to stop drinking to determine if my attitudes and feelings were because of drinking or if they were engrained in my thought process. I’ve proven to myself I can got weeks without a drink and be okay. I’ve experimented with the idea that I can stop after two beers, and I can. Alcoholism tends to be the one and only disease that is self-diagnosed, but there is no source to say if it is cured or not. But, I find myself bored discussing that, as well.
I’ve also, though sparingly, discussed my relationship with my wife. We have been separated for a few weeks now and there have been a few conversations between the two of us, but I’m not sure where it stands at this moment. By all reasonable accounts, we should have never been married and we should have never remained together – she and I literally have all of the statistics that shows divorce is in our future. We met, moved in together, began having kids, got married and I always had jobs with high divorce statistics. Without pointing fingers, there have been infidelities, abuse, emotional turmoil, monetary issues, etc., etc. I’m not sure where we stand at the moment, but divorce has been the topic between us for quite some time. And yet, I find myself utterly bored thinking or talking about it.
I remember, growing up, my dad once said the best comic is the one that can laugh at him/herself. I’ve also felt that the most interesting people are those who focus on others and not themselves. I feel like I have become an uninteresting person. I feel like I have been so utterly focused on myself, that I have forgotten to serve and be available to others in the world, in my community, in my life, in my family, etc. I have mentioned so many times about the endless cycle of mental torture I put myself through, but I truly feel like I am on the precipice of change and I need that change to be outwardly focused. I have been focused on “fixing me” for so damned long that I have forgotten to live. I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t know what struggles and problems I will have tomorrow, I don’t know if I will write in my blog tomorrow, I don’t know if I’ll reinvent myself, I just don’t know about anything other than today. But I feel this urge to do something different. I feel this urge to write differently. I feel this urge to live differently. I feel this need to quit whining, bitching, complaining and bawling. I feel change MUST happen.
I feel like living.
(Side note: Pure irony is beginning a post claiming you have nothing to talk about and all of a sudden there is complete word vomit all over the place.)