Where is My Passion?

Today, my thoughts are on people’s passions in life. I feel like I have lost mine to the point that I can’t even explain why some things were passions to me in life at one time bit are not now. I read so many blogs and there are a lot of people that write about their passions – hiking, crochet, sex, God, camping, dance, photography, Jesus, beauty, fashion, climbing, poetry, family, movies, books, etc. These people are all so full of life, so full of joy, so fulfilled, so…passionate. And, I’m always amazed by those that are passionate about God or Jesus.

I can’t seem to find that. I can’t find that one thing that keeps me connected to life. Having gone to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings and have often heard that you can fake it until you make it, I grasp the idea of putting things into practice. I’m not that kind of person though…in fact, I despise fakeness. I can’t pretend to like or appreciate things and I believe that I can’t embrace anything I don’t feel in my soul.

It’s no secret that one of my biggest struggles is my sexuality and my gender identity. I ponder if I can have a relationship with God or Jesus being who I am. Or am I avoiding some sense of spiritual responsibility by focusing on something that seems inherently at odds with mainstream religious faith systems? I can’t ignore the very principle behind genetics and sexuality, as well as the ideas that gender stereotypes are engrained from our human psyche. Is there a possibility that God made a mistake and made me a woman with a man’s body? Or am I twisting my human understanding of sex and gender to serve some selfish desire that is counter to “God’s plan”?

I tend to accept this struggle within myself as natural to who I am. Because this particular struggle is a part of who I am, I never set down a path of radical change in me life. My thinking and values are typically conservative by nature and I used to believe that I had to behave in ways that promoted a greater purpose to others, but I have lost that mentality. It’s a similar aspect of myself that I have discovered within the confines of my soon to be ended marriage – forgetting to care for my own needs because I spent my efforts on others.

I certainly don’t want to sound like a victim, because I take full responsibility for my own actions and decisions. But I have always struggled with the idea of doing what’s right versus doing what I want. I remember, growing up, my dad used to advise that any decision made that does not hurt someone, is not illegal, and does not conflict with morality is a good decision. Legality, however, is dictated by public opinion, therefore it is always subject to change. Morality has been a matter of debate for the entirety of human history, and subject to predominant powers at hand. Hurting others? That is the most fickle issue, isn’t it? Some people are hurt by the wind and others are so resistant to pain the appear hard as rocks.

I know how many would react, if I asked the question, “Would God hate me, if I did…?” The “did” is always an issue of morality, legality and hurting others. It’s the question I can never answer; regardless, it has become my passion – the search to define myself.

(EDIT: I just read through this and realized how convoluted my thoughts were when writing this. I am not going to edit it, regardless of it’s lack of linear thought- it’s merely how my thoughts can out of me while writing.)


19 thoughts on “Where is My Passion?”

  1. Dearest Stephanie…

    You are thinking way too much…
    And over analyzing yourself..

    Just live one day at a time loving and finding the joy in what and who you are..

    Stop feeling so guilty for how good you are feeling about accepting the real you…
    the world 🌎 has accepted who you are.. look around you… you are amongst your own species..

    In my opinion. Belief and faith is god…
    And anything you think is right for you is always the right thing..

    So stop ✋ questioning yourself and your choices…
    and don’t you worry about what anyone thinks or may think…
    It’s all about you.. and only how you feel really matters…

    You will find and realize your passion soon enough…

    Liked by 4 people

  2. You may have heard the beatitude: blessed are those poor in spirit for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. A modern translation renders this: Happy are those conscious of their spiritual need, since the kingdom of the heavens belongs to them. I would say that if you are conscious of spiritual need that is the first step toward happiness. Humans all seem to have that need within us – to make a connection with something greater. Sometimes finding the right path isn’t easy. Take your time, keep your heart and mind open and you will find your way.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. God (whatever that means) loves everyone, regardless of what we do. Just like I love my kids, even if they are being assholes.

    I had lost all passion in my life while drinking. It took time to rekindle it. Let yourself just be.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Passions are subject to change… but struggling with stuff has an annoying way of rarely changing except whatever one is struggling with. I know, as many others do, that when you’re caught up in a cycle of struggling, your passions in life tend to get kicked to the curb and things can get so bad that one can find themselves asking, “What the hell am I doing all of this for if I can’t enjoy it?”

    Struggling with stuff steals your joy, bogs you down, makes you constantly and, often, unnecessarily question yourself; it’s bad enough that you learn that life is always conspiring against you but then you find out, by some means, that you’re just making things worse for yourself by becoming your own worst enemy and giving yourself an old fashioned beat down.

    You know I’d never say that the things you struggle with aren’t important… but at what point do you decide that you’re tired of struggling with stuff that you can’t do anything about and that it’s time to get back to being passionate about life and enjoying it as best you can?

    Finally, you’re not the only one who has ever asked, “Would God hate me if I did (add something here)?” and it’s in reference to morality, legality, or causing harm to someone else. God may not hate you… but your fellow man just might when it comes to thing moral, legal, or maliciously doing harm to others. But we, as mere mortals, are not to know the mind of God (even though some of us think we do) so answering this question is fairly impossible; like, how do you know that God would just love for you to embrace being Stephanie and be passionate about it even though, morally, it’s wrong; even though, legally, it’s questionable at best; even though, on the matter of causing harm, some people can be harmed by you being what you’re meant to be?

    The point is that you don’t know and it’s up to you to use the best judgement you’re capable of and live your life and as happily and as passionately as you can manage to do.

    Liked by 2 people

          1. My friend, it seems to me that if you spend your life fretting over whatever you’re fretting over, you cut down the amount of time you have to enjoy your life… so which thing makes the most sense here – worrying yourself sick… or living to the fullest extent you’re capable of?

            Oh, and whether or not you accept the responsibility of the consequences of ANYTHING you do – and even if you do nothing. At any given time, any of us can do (or think) of something considered to be immoral; we can skirt and even flirt with the illegalities of some things, oh, like running a stop sign or doing 85 in a 55 zone. And don’t we think that as long as no one gets hurt, well, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?

            All we can do is to be as careful as we can manage to be and if you’re doing the best you can do, fine; if not, well, get to work on doing the best you can do and, oh, yeah, how about having some fun while you’re working on that?

            As I seem to recall, you’re passionate about hiking… so in a very good way, go take a hike and have fun!

            Liked by 2 people

  5. I too battled with connecting. Thought I was doomed. Then I read how this one woman changed her prayers. Instead of asking just say thank you. Even if there doesn’t seem like anything to be grateful for. Find justv1 thing. Build from there. And just like she said I also found something come over me and my life change forever. It’s powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. 1. I appreciated what you are thinking here. 2. Passion is relative. What may look like something a person is excited about may not really be (I can be as fake as #42!). 3. Singing Rod Stewart now. :o)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. That is pretty brave to put yourself out there for all to see. We all struggle regardless of how “Godly” we think we are or are not – God dislikes the sin but loves the sinner. Stay strong and keep the faith.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s