I’m always writing things that are so negative. And I have such horrible self-image that I wanted to change it slightly today and discuss something that makes me feel a little more comfortable with myself. I have been doing a little research and felt that if I have a more feminine “inside” than “outside”, I want to expand on it a little. Sometimes, I find myself fighting things, fighting the obvious, fighting what’s ‘normal’ for me. What if I stopped fighting myself on this? What if I stopped trying to prove anything about myself?
I have written about acceptance so much, but to actually adhere to it seems to escape me. I have been having this eternal battle with myself; so many of you have been witnesses to it and have discouraged me from having this battle. Truthfully, I feel empowered by many of you to just accept myself as Stephanie. But I would be lying, if I said I’m not torn, because of the “moral” upbringing I had. I’ve noticed I have a lot of followers that are Christian, several Catholics, and I am happy that none of them have ever told me anything that makes me question myself. But I also see the happiness and joy many of them express. I’ve appreciated the prayers of a select few – I’m not sure what they pray for, with respect to me, but it does make me happy to know people care enough about me to offer that sentiment. Some of these people, I think I would consider friends, but I always wonder what they think of me…deep down…
Okay, I took a side step and veering off the real topic at hand, so let me bring it back to my acceptance of Stephanie. I’ve noticed, just in the past few days, since I almost had my severe crash, I’ve just been going with the flow of my existence. I need that right now. I’ve just been allowing myself to be. I read an article the other day about men that are in the process of transitioning to women (I wish I could find the link) have some natural tendencies toward the feminine. I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I have that about me, as well. Well, the article talked about a lot of these guys have been socialized to lessen their natural behaviors and adopt behaviors that are more related to their birth gender. I began to wonder if I’ve done that, as well. I decided to try and do some relaxation exercises and allow my mind to free up a little from the stress of my life.
Well, the past two days, I have tried to think about the ways that I have forced myself to NOT be feminine. One of the things I stopped doing a long time ago is sitting with my knees together or my ankles crossed. I remember doing that a lot when I was a kid, but as I got older and kids began to be mean and I assumed I had to act a certain way, I began sitting with my legs apart and hunched over. I noticed the past couple of days, I let that go. I’m sitting with my back straight, my chin lifted, slightly, my knees together and my toes are pointed in slightly, or I’ve started crossing at my ankles and move my feet slightly underneath me and to one side or the other. This reminds me of how I used to sit, many years ago. I also noticed this morning, while working, I had to scrape something out over a trash can and when I looked at myself, I had slightly leaned over and my back was straight and I held my knees together and it felt a little more natural than the way I have been doing it for a while. I almost felt right with myself. So, after that I began walking with a little sway to my hips. I’m not sure if it’s noticeable to anyone else, but it’s making me feel right. I feel right with myself. I feel a little more feminine. I’ve even been receiving some tips from a few of you on how to feel and be more feminine. I’ve enjoyed letting go of some of the mental barriers in my mind and I’m kind of starting to embrace this aspect of myself. My soul feels a little lifted today, and I think it’s because I’m choosing to not question myself.
I am beginning to like Stephanie.