I admit, the thoughts and feelings going off in my head the past several days have seen me hit some emotional highs and some emotional lows – to the point, that I am considering seeing a therapist again to work some things out. I’m feeling quite happy today, however, and I feel okay with myself. This is a good thing, I believe.
Well, if you missed it, over the weekend I posted my picture. I don’t intend to leave it, but I was kind of wanting to let go a little. Sometimes, I feel like I am wound up like a tight ball just bursting at the seams to get out of myself. The point, however, as to why I posted the picture was to show how different I look than I imagine Stephanie would look. I mentioned that I was feeling absolutely horrible, because I don’t ever feel like I could look the part in anyway shape or form. Of course, it sent me into a spiral of self-hatred that I’d like to think I side-stepped gracefully. But I think I might have come up with a solution.
I mentioned to someone yesterday that there is always a spot on the floor that annoys us. That spot is there, we see it in the corner of our eye. We’ll try and pick it up, but it won’t move. We try to kick it away, but it’s still there. We try and wipe it up with a cloth, but it’s still there! We’ll go so far as to get 409 and squirt the little devil and try and scrub it out, but it doesn’t go away. Bleach? Yup, you guessed it; it doesn’t go away. Sometimes we’re so focused on that spot that we fail to realize it’s a part of the natural hard wood floor that gives it it’s character. If we’re not careful, we could gouge that spot out and ruin the beauty of that floor.
This is my reality. I’m such a perfectionist that I feel the need to fix everything about myself. I’m not straight enough. I’m not gay enough. I’m not bisexual enough. I’m not manly enough. I’m not feminine enough. I’m not pretty enough. I’m not attractive enough. I’m not a good husband. I don’t have enough money. I don’t have the perfect job. I can’t make a marriage work. No woman wants me. No man wants me. No one wants me. I can’t be a wife. I can’t find the outfit that looks best on me. I’m not thin enough. I’m not attractive enough. These are things that I want to gouge out of the natural beauty that is me (And if you think I’m bragging, you apparently have not read much of my blog… My palms are literally sweating referring to myself with the word “beauty”). I have been chipping away at myself for so long, I’m honestly surprised there is any hardwood left in this floor of mine.
Last night, I had the chance to do something for myself. It wasn’t major, it wasn’t extreme, it was just something to make me feel good. I watched videos of women walking. I watched them and I tried to mimic them. I felt good. I felt graceful. I felt elegant. I was all alone for a little bit and no one was around, but for that brief moment, I was able to imagine. And it led me to deeply understand something profound – and even now, my desire is to be critical, because I have had so many of you tell me – I need to love myself more.
I have been trying to make small changes in my life, and I haven’t been on a scale in almost two weeks, but I feel my clothes fitting a little less snug. A couple of the change, I have made is to introduce vegetables back into my diet and to drink a lot more water. I’m probably drinking 2 liters of water everyday and maybe getting two servings of vegetables. And I’m not forcing myself to do it, and I’m not feeling guilty if my diet isn’t perfect. I’m simply making small choices in this one aspect of my life. I’m doing it because I want to love myself.
And since I want to love myself, I have come to the realization that the number one, most important way to show myself how much I mean to me is to be a little more healthy. I am no spring chicken, anymore, so it’s critical for me to begin cutting my weight and trying to return to a semblance of healthy living. I have been struggling with this for well over a year, but I’m beginning to think it’s working a little. Obviously, this addresses my physical health, but my mental health is important too.
I’m not going to stress about myself as a bisexual male, as a woman, as a trans-anything. I’m simply going to have to learn to just accept things as they come. So many of you are comfortable with me – at least you express it and it is appreciated by me – I know I need to be comfortable with me. I’m still not ready to be “out” and I have no desire to try and go out in public dressed as a woman (Okay, maybe a little desire…but not much), but I don’t have to hate myself for it. This self-loathing over my sexuality, my problematic gender identity, my doubts about relationships, and anything else has got to stop. Honestly, it’s draining the life out of me. I need to be okay with me, I need to love that spot in the hardwood floor.
And that God thing I struggle with? A few of you have offered prayers and I’m so thankful for that. I try and pray too. I struggle with this a lot and I appreciate all the advice and insight people have too. I think there is a god…or goddess…or some sort of higher power, but I have not figured out all of that yet. I am willing to explore, but I’m also okay knowing that sometimes my mind, heart and soul just can’t handle it and it’s okay. It’s okay to question. Intelligent, heartfelt people question and they do it because thy care not because they don’t care.
I have a long ways to go and there is plenty of work to be done; hardwood floors need refinishing sometimes, but that one spot is part of its natural beauty.