I have nothing to look forward to anymore.
It just struck me this morning, as I began to contemplate the source of my frustrations last night. All I do is work, and working for the past year has left me incredibly lonely. I have not been involved in any of the things I used to love in quite some time. I try and find passion in those things, but I can’t anymore. I have a general feeling of, “None of it really matters…”
My thoughts are kinda scattered as I try and put these feelings into words…
But, my only social interaction is here…on WordPress. I don’t even know that I know how to have a real conversation anymore. I feel disconnected, like I have burrowed into myself to protect any sentiment of feelings I have left. I’ve given in and taken calls from my wife. There is always something in me that looks for hope that there is a better tomorrow, yet there is so much toxicity there. And not all of it is hers, I’m sure.
I feel like an utterly damaged person. I destroy blogs even, and create new ones, trying to make sense of my world. I have a love-hate relationship with my sexuality. I can’t seem to find the peace and serenity that is promised by a God that I do not understand, nor accept. I know there is someway, some how that I can find myself coming out of this dark cloud that I wandered into years ago.
I mentioned I feel like direction would do me good. How do I find that? There was a time when I was directed, motivated, ambitious and knew what I wanted out of life. But now I am lost. I have no idea how to get where I feel comfortable with myself. I don’t know how to get to a point where I don’t want to rip my own head off and throw it down the street to see how far it’ll roll. I don’t know how to set my priorities anymore…it’s like I’ve forgotten what should be the most important.
I am not thrilled with my job. It’s with a great employer, and it’s a job I’ve done before, but I had busted my ass off so hard to NOT do this job anymore and now I’m back in it. I know I’m lacking patience, but I used to have things to look forward to as a way of dealing with stress. Now, I don’t know what to look forward to. Any goals I had for life, just seem insurmountable and too many.
I don’t like any of this.
I don’t like me, right now.
I don’t like my life right now.
And I’m on a fucking repeat…because I’ve said this all before.
But I’m sick of it.
I’m truly sick of the fact that my life has become nothing but work and no play, nothing but trying to get out of the hole I feel like I’m in. I just want to enjoy something….anything…
My thoughts are completely sporadic, not clear and going 100 million miles per hour in a billion different directions. When will it stop?