Look Forward to Something?

I have nothing to look forward to anymore.

It just struck me this morning, as I began to contemplate the source of my frustrations last night. All I do is work, and working for the past year has left me incredibly lonely. I have not been involved in any of the things I used to love in quite some time.  I try and find passion in those things, but I can’t anymore.  I have a general feeling of, “None of it really matters…”

My thoughts are kinda scattered as I try and put these feelings into words…

But, my only social interaction is here…on WordPress. I don’t even know that I know how to have a real conversation anymore.  I feel disconnected, like I have burrowed into myself to protect any sentiment of feelings I have left. I’ve given in and taken calls from my wife. There is always something in me that looks for hope that there is a better tomorrow, yet there is so much toxicity there. And not all of it is hers, I’m sure.

I feel like an utterly damaged person. I destroy blogs even, and create new ones, trying to make sense of my world.    I have a love-hate relationship with my sexuality. I can’t seem to find the peace and serenity that is promised by a God that I do not understand, nor accept. I know there is someway, some how that I can find myself coming out of this dark cloud that I wandered into years ago.

I mentioned I feel like direction would do me good. How do I find that?  There was a time when I was directed, motivated, ambitious and knew what I wanted out of life. But now I am lost.  I have no idea how to get where I feel comfortable with myself.  I don’t know how to get to a point where I don’t want to rip my own head off and throw it down the street to see how far it’ll roll.  I don’t know how to set my priorities anymore…it’s like I’ve forgotten what should be the most important.

I am not thrilled with my job. It’s with a great employer, and it’s a job I’ve done before, but I had busted my ass off so hard to NOT do this job anymore and now I’m back in it. I know I’m lacking patience, but I used to have things to look forward to as a way of dealing with stress. Now, I don’t know what to look forward to.  Any goals I had for life, just seem insurmountable and too many.

I don’t like any of this.

I don’t like me, right now.

I don’t like my life right now.

And I’m on a fucking repeat…because I’ve said this all before.

But I’m sick of it.

I’m truly sick of the fact that my life has become nothing but work and no play, nothing but trying to get out of the hole I feel like I’m in. I just want to enjoy something….anything…

My thoughts are completely sporadic, not clear and going 100 million miles per hour in a billion different directions. When will it stop?

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49 thoughts on “Look Forward to Something?”

  1. it is a move in positive direction that you can write about this here… remember, one moment at a time and BREATHE! you have a lot of ppl here that care, and know that we ALL have our shit to deal with. you are not alone…

    Liked by 3 people

        1. I agree! The wordpress community appreciates you and sometimes we just have to hold on to the little things when everything sucks. When your goals seem out of reach, set smaller goals. Even if it’s just waking up in the morning and making your bed or writing a blog post that day, those little things will help you find your passion again. At the end of today, you will at least know that 3 people read and commented on your blog today and were impacted by the things you said ❤

          Liked by 4 people

          1. I am okay! Thanks. 💜 There was a vicious attack in the center of the capital here. You can read more about my report on it ib my latest post if you wanna, but the main part is that I am safe but a little bit shook up! 💜😘 Thank you, friend!!

            Liked by 1 person

  2. Hey, I was just in the middle of typing an essay in this comment box, so decided to make a post. Thanks for the inspiration.

    For now though until you see the post don’t have those toxic feelings! It’s good you’re in touch with them, but don’t let them manifest. While I was abroad it happened a few times and it just made things worse and worse than if I had found ways to make myself happy or take my mind off of things and limited the loss.

    Also I think I’ve seen in a few of your posts that you don’t do a lot of the things you truly love anymore. What would you really love to get back into, or if you feel you could do anything what would that be?

    The world is your canvass. I hope you feel better bro!

    -Pharaoh

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I was wondering how to post something totally similar to this. We must be soul sisters. (lord knows, my biological one drives me nuts!!!) I may write on this, but at this time, I’ll preach to the choir. We need to remember we do have worth and we need to remember the sun does come up, even if we have no reason to think it might. We need to remember even though there is nothing to look forward to and we are stuck in the same place (Ground Hogs Day!), every day is NOT the same. Hugs, my dear.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I have grown to feel connected to you through your writing for over a year now. I care about you. I am subscribed to tons of blogs, I actually look forward to yours and one other person’s.

    You are addicted to drama and attention. I care for you deeply, but you are on the fence (even though you know which way you roll) for attention. STOP.

    Here is my advice: divorce your wife. Draw the line and do NOT look back, step into YOU.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I hope you don’t mind if I start praying for you some! ❤ I know what you mean; I sometimes feel flustered because I can't do a lot with my chronic illness and feel in a rut. What helps me a lot is having tiny things to look forward to; like a special dessert, treating myself to something new from Sephora, or taking a walk out in the sunshine. You are a strong person and have so many supporters on here cheering you on!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ll take that prayer and I appreciate you offering it to me.
      I’ve never treated myself to anything from Sephora…and the dessert sounds tempting….
      I really could use some time in nature too.
      I appreciate you, thank you. 🙂 ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Of course, anytime! You’ll get through this. I know it’s hard, but just getting up and going out every day is a huge accomplishment!! Remember that when you’re having a hard time. We are all here to listen and keep encouraging you. 💕

        Liked by 1 person

        1. And everyone is always so wonderful. Sometimes I just feel like I whine and cry too much. I am always caught with this sense of “should” – I should be different, things should be different, that’s not the way things should be, etc., etc.
          But thank you again for your encouragement. You are so nice and I enjoy reading your blog.

          Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time at the moment. I agree with the making small changes idea, it can be helpful if feeling overwhelmed. Even the tiniest of goals give us a boost when we achieve them. Best wishes and strength to you x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I love the concept too…my problem is this:
      Let’s pretend I decide to make a strawberry shortcake – I set my mind to it and I do it.
      The next day, I’ll decide it’s time to open a bakery and begin cooking and baking and mixing and then I’ll remember I left something else unfinished. So, I’ll decide it’s a good time to start a painting. That one painting is great, then I decide it’s time to open an art museum and in the midst of that I decide it’s time to take up rock climbing, so I’ll take one class to learn how and the next thing I know, I’m dreaming of climbing Everest… And then, before I know it, I have this entire list of goals that aren’t going anywhere and I get so overwhelmed and frustrated because I didn’t accomplish any of them…
      That’s about how it is…sigh

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It sounds like you have an underlying desire to achieve greatness or perfection in whatever you are doing. Who is that for? Is it for yourself, your own satisfaction? Or, is it to impress others? If it’s for others it’s going to bringing a lot of unnecessary hard work and pressure. Wouldn’t it be nice to not give a crap what other people think and choose something meaningful for yourself to pursue? Easy to say but not so easy to do, I know. Hugs!

        Liked by 1 person

  7. I can relate. I was going through yesterday and today thinking I have no purpose and I have no interactions with anyone. Then I realized maybe I should try posting something. It’s taken me since 2013 to write another post here, why? Because I was afraid of what everyone would think. (Note to self only 2 people saw my first post in 2013). So I posted and I’m going to keep trying because I don’t know what else to do. It made me cry to read what you wrote because it’s exactly how I feel most days. It’s like you read my mind and put it in writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Hi!
      I truly appreciate your feedback and offering a little insight to yourself. I have found, at least for me, that there are so many encouraging people here. I am thankful for all of the encouragement and support I have found here. I also find that writing everything down – especially in my worst moments – has been the number one best therapy I have given myself.
      Maybe it would work for you…

      Also, do you have a link to your blog? The one above in your avatar takes me to a blog for a person with a different avatar and username than you have here. I might be getting it wrong. 🙂 And thanks for the follow. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. There are positives and progress, especially regarding your acceptance of yourself and realisation that you need to do things for you. It’s a low moment. Pick yourself up and move on. You can do it. I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

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