Earlier today, I had a silly little panic attack.
You know, those kinds of things that are so little, you feel like pulling your own head off? The desire to fix something you see as flawed, but knowing full well there is nothing you can do about it and you don’t want to accept the inevitable is the sort of thing that sends people like me into the throes of a whirling, spasmodic, anxious mind. I am not handling myself as well as I thought. On some level, I feel like I am avoiding everything that is right and living within my own fantasy world.
I came across a blog yesterday, geared specifically to men that want to transform to women. As I began perusing through the various sections, comments, topics, programs, and other stuff, I quickly came to realize that this “Lucille” woman has struck gold with the obvious business she is engaged – serving crossdressers, transgenders, transsexuals and others of that persuasion. Granted, I’m not in a position at the present time for me to be committed to anything like this from a financial perspective, so it’s an easy decision for me to not get involved. But I also began to notice a few other things as I perused the site, and these are the things that began to add up and frustrate me beyond measure – and now that I’ve calmed down, I think I was being silly and stupid.
The first thing I noticed, other than the money, were the pictures of different people in the comments section of the blog posts made. A lot of these girls did a great job in transforming and some are still looking great in the process. Well, the thing I noticed, almost immediately, is the fact that some of these girls didn’t have an over-abundance of masculine features to begin with, so I began to think their process was so much easier than mine would ever be. Some of them had the ability to look like women, and I just don’t. I simply won’t be able to look feminine for a number of reasons that I just don’t want to share right now.
Another thing I noticed is the commitment of time. I’m so overwhelmed with so many things in my life, I don’t know how I can even begin to make time for anything like this. Take make-up, for example; I’ve only worn it a time or two and I’m sure I looked more like a side-show freak than anything remotely pretty. So, it’s obvious to me that is a learned skill. And then, learning to move in a feminine manner, would take some time, I’m sure. There are other things, when I begin to think about that would take a long time to learn – or unlearn, as the case maybe. So , the idea that I would be spending so much time doing it, would be consuming.
There are a number of other things that began my thought process into complete and utter negativity. I began to loathe what I was looking at, as an extension of the self-loathing that I tend to do. I did a big no-no and also began comparing myself to some of the others I saw on that site – and, obviously, they all looked so much more feminine than I ever would.
The bottom line is that everything about me is wrong. I’m too manly, I’m too masculine looking, I’m too old to even bother or try. And, how can I even begin, if there is no positive outcome for me? Maybe, I should apply one skill that I learned when attending AA meetings: acceptance. Maybe I need to just accept myself the way I am…
…I think Stephanie might remain a figment of my imagination, she would never be what I imagine her to be.