Anxiety: Doubts are My Enemy

Earlier today, I had a silly little panic attack.

You know, those kinds of things that are so little, you feel like pulling your own head off?  The desire to fix something you see as flawed, but knowing full well there is nothing you can do about it and you don’t want to accept the inevitable is the sort of thing that sends people like me into the throes of a whirling, spasmodic, anxious mind. I am not handling myself as well as I thought.  On some level, I feel like I am avoiding everything that is right and living within my own fantasy world.

I came across a blog yesterday, geared specifically to men that want to transform to women.  As I began perusing through the various sections, comments, topics, programs, and other stuff, I quickly came to realize that this “Lucille” woman has struck gold with the obvious business she is engaged – serving crossdressers, transgenders, transsexuals and others of that persuasion.  Granted, I’m not in a position at the present time for me to be committed to anything like this from a financial perspective, so it’s an easy decision for me to not get involved.  But I also began to notice a few other things as I perused the site, and these are the things that began to add up and frustrate me beyond measure – and now that I’ve calmed down, I think I was being silly and stupid.

The first thing I noticed, other than the money, were the pictures of different people in the comments section of the blog posts made.  A lot of these girls did a great job in transforming and some are still looking great in the process.  Well, the thing I noticed, almost immediately, is the fact that some of these girls didn’t have an over-abundance of masculine features to begin with, so I began to think their process was so much easier than mine would ever be.  Some of them had the ability to look like women, and I just don’t. I simply won’t be able to look feminine for a number of reasons that I just don’t want to share right now.

Another thing I noticed is the commitment of time.  I’m so overwhelmed with so many things in my life, I don’t know how I can even begin to make time for anything like this.  Take make-up, for example; I’ve only worn it a time or two and I’m sure I looked more like a side-show freak than anything remotely pretty. So, it’s obvious to me that is a learned skill.  And then, learning to move in a feminine manner, would take some time, I’m sure.  There are other things, when I begin to think about that would take a long time to learn – or unlearn, as the case maybe.  So , the idea that I would be spending so much time doing it, would be consuming.

There are a number of other things that began my thought process into complete and utter negativity. I began to loathe what I was looking at, as an extension of the self-loathing that I tend to do. I did a big no-no and also began comparing myself to some of the others I saw on that site – and, obviously, they all looked so much more feminine than I ever would.

The bottom line is that everything about me is wrong. I’m too manly, I’m too masculine looking, I’m too old to even bother or try. And, how can I even begin, if there is no positive outcome for me? Maybe, I should apply one skill that I learned when attending AA meetings: acceptance.  Maybe I need to just accept myself the way I am…

…I think Stephanie might remain a figment of my imagination, she would never be what I imagine her to be.

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11 thoughts on “Anxiety: Doubts are My Enemy”

  1. You don’t need to look feminine and you don’t have to let the reasons bother you! You can be whatever you feel like from the inside and gurl.. you’ve got us to walk your paths towards being whoever you want to be!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. In all the times I’ve watched women being women, from hair and makeup to shoes and other stuff, it’s always made me very damned happy to have not been born female. Still, doubts can be everyone’s enemy but combating doubt is about trusting in yourself and that’s not always as easy to do. Sometimes, we’ll say, “I doubt it…” which is another way of saying that you don’t know or aren’t sure of something so sometimes doubt is about context.

    I’ve seen pictures of men who have physically become women and some of them are stunningly beautiful as well as some who, despite their transformation, still look very male… and some that I could say some very impolite things about but will refrain from doing so. One might have the mindset that being female is their true destiny but I gotta say that being female isn’t just about mindset and looking the part is equally vital for many reasons.

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  3. You do need to accept yourself. That is the first step. Then when things are calmer in your life, you can work on changing bits that don’t make you happy. It’s not something that should frustrate you. It’s something to look forward to.

    Liked by 1 person

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