There are some days that have me questioning things. Today, I’m feeling low…it was such an awesome high, yesterday, that I knew a low was going to follow – it always does. I am torn about my marriage and I wonder, in some small way, if all I’m doing is trying to run and hide from myself and my responsibilities as a man. I have such a hard time dealing with myself, when others I deal with aren’t happy with me. This is so true in my normal everyday dealing with people, that it is no surprise that it is a cornerstone of any romantic/intimate relationship I have. I have so many examples of my codependency.
For example, I had a girlfriend once who cheated on me, and I did everything I could to try and convince her not to cheat on me. I felt like I must have done something that would make her want to do this. It must be something I have done, so I apologized for things I happened to be doing wrong. Granted, they were wrong, but looking at it logically, almost anyone would agree that there is no excuse for cheating. However, I would make her indiscretions my issue, rather than making her accountable to herself (Granted, I did put my hand through her door when she told me…so THAT was childish and wrong). Then you can look at my marriage and there are so many examples of that same behavior, that I wouldn’t even know where to begin.
Granted, my wife has never cheated (Well…kind of…there was that one time when she had a picture of a friend’s penis; and, recently, she began talking to an ex boyfriend and told me she was going to leave me for him, if I didn’t change). This is not something I can excuse in my behavior, because I have. And I have made other mistakes, as well – I was wrong for it, and I won’t do that to anyone again. But for years, previous to that, I had been the victim of domestic violence. That’s right, I said it…I had been hit by her on several occasions during arguments. And I’m not talking about a slap across the face (Gawd knows, I have a sarcastic tongue…); no, I’m talking closed fists to my face kind of hits. I remember her telling me on several occasions, when I expressed I didn’t like that treatment, “If you’d show me some respect, you wouldn’t get hit”. What did I do? I tried to change my behavior to accommodate her needs. I mean, I loved her, so wouldn’t I want to change myself to suit her? This is just a small taste of the toxicity in my marriage.
In fact, when I began my first WP blog, it was intended to be about my failing marriage – that was almost 5 years ago, when I began blogging on WP. I have changed myself so much to try and meet her needs, I began to forget who I am. I expressed in previous postings, that I absolutely changed who I am as a basic individual. I have also come to terms with my sexuality over the past few years. I truly believe I am bisexual. But something else began to emerge – Stephanie. I am now questioning this reality. I’m questioning if it is simply another way for me to try and adapt to all of the heartache I feel as man. Am I really someone that has problems with his identity, or have I been so emasculated through not being appreciated for who I am, that I felt I needed to change everything about myself – including my gender. But I’m questioning so much about the marriage that I am now having doubts about it’s continuance or it’s demise.
Something else happened today that had me questioning if I am even a good person. Somehow, I inadvertently offended someone on here that I considered a friend. I won’t go into details, because it’s not fair to discuss it, but she had asked me to unfriend her and has since blocked me. Now, I’m wondering what I did wrong. I always feel like there is always something I can do to have prevented a negative situation from occurring. I look to turn a cheek, I look to explain myself for fear that the other person thinks I mean to hurt them. I look for some way to salvage any wrong -perceived or real. It’s something I don’t know how to let go and accept that sometimes oil and water really don’t mix.
I feel like a failure when I want to make someone happy and it doesn’t happen…
And now, I begin to wonder again, if I am to blame for my marriage. Am I avoiding some responsibility? Should I be handling my life in a different way? What can I do to make things right? I’m probably only thinking of my needs, wants and desires when I consider my sexuality or consider that I’m not the gender I was born to be. I start to question all my knowledge of self and wonder if I’m truly fucked up? Maybe when I question all of this, I should be seeking God…or return to my faith and accept that I am all wrong.
I feel like I was happy as a man at one time. I felt at one time I was happy being heterosexual. I felt at one time, I was secure in who I was as a person. But life happened to me, it happened to me and it made me question everything about myself. Just like today did – and I don’t even know why, because it’s not like I was even close to this “friend” I mentioned above. It shouldn’t feel important. Granted, I have had conversations with a few of you on here and I feel like losing any of those friendships would devastate me, if this one is doing what it is doing now.
But, it made me want to eat this:
At least it’s not a beer, right?
But I know, deep down, this co-dependency thing will be there with me, at all times! I don’t understand when it developed, where it developed or why it developed. I feel like I used to be secure, but somehow it’s like everything else I’m realizing about myself – it feels like it has probably always been there, but has never surfaced until later in life. But there are other things that I began to question after I started feeling co-dependent, so are any of those a reality for me?