Catholicity and my Sexuality.

I am not normal.

I don’t remember the exact words the Catechism of the Catholic Church uses in describing homosexuals (and in my case, bisexual).  I’ve mentioned, before, however, that I see the word “normal” from a mathematical standpoint and I can understand the exact nature of normalcy. Normal has an exact definition and I’m not offended when I hear that I’m not normal. Normal has everything to do with the distribution curve of humanity – breaking people into numeric descriptions that yields a data point on a curve and seeing that the bulk of that curve lies within a standard deviation of the data.  It has a quality to it that expresses a certain flavor of uniqueness.  I would lie outside that “bulk” of the curve. That is EASY to embrace – I am unique and my sexuality is unique.

An abomination?

That is the more glaring understanding of how Christianity and Catholicism sees alternative sexualities. Specifically, it’s not that one man loving another man is a sin, because that is the reflection of God’s love for all humanity. No, this judgment and assessment is focused on the homosexual act – the act of one man lying down with another man. There are a few references in the Bible that addresses this behavior – among many other behaviors.  So, I can grasp and see where many of the opinions originate from the Christian community.

Lately, however, I have received more followers to my blog that are Christian. I have several people that are Catholic following me, as well.  Having been raised in a Catholic home, I have an understanding of the….hmmm…for lack of a better phrase…an understanding of the mentality that goes on from the Christian community with respect to alternative sexualities.  I have mentioned in previous posts, that I had a decent grasp of the apologetics of Catholicism at one point in my life. I read the Catechism, the Bible, and various Catholic literature on a regular basis.  So, I can see and understand some of the reasoning that goes on in that community.  But I am always amazed that anyone from the Christian community would have anything to do with me – I am the abomination that they have learned.

Recently, I mentioned that I had an old friend that I almost revealed my sexuality. It was almost a scary moment.  Well,when she and I were much closer as friends, I had a suspicion she might be Catholic, although it was never discussed – mostly because I was immature and made rash assumptions without ever knowing facts.  During our recent conversation, however, she had mentioned she was Catholic but still supported LGBT rights.  She had several friends that had come out to her before, but she had taken her father’s understanding of sexuality because of her friends’ sexualities – that God loves us all and that loving someone is an example of His love. She also mentioned that her dad had expressed that God doesn’t make mistakes, so being born a certain sexuality doesn’t seem fair that they couldn’t love someone based on their birth. Of course, hearing this almost pushed me over the edge, because I had a lot of respect for her dad too.

But there is something else that stands out in my head from what I have learned about Catholic theology: Although God does make some of us with an “abnormal” (based on my definition of “normal”) sexuality, He still has rules for how we express sexual love – that it should only be expressed monogamously among a man and a woman who are married to each other. The idea that someone has been born as bisexual does not relieve him or her of this responsibility; this person has a special cross to bare (Side note: I can’t remember if I should be using bare or bear…I’m running into this a lot in my writing, lately…and it’s beginning to piss me off).

That seems like a wide river to cross as I am now in the midst of a failed marriage. Naturally, I have questions about what direction to take my life and whether or not I should pursue another relationship sometime in the future. I certainly don’t believe a relationship would serve me in the best way in the immediacy, but I am curious about that possibility in the future. I fluctuate in my sexuality too -What if I find another woman that I love?  What if this is the springboard that brings Stephanie out? What if I fall in love with a man? Or, maybe this is the time I give everything about myself up and hand myself over to God?

This concept of a Higher Power has been a struggle of mine for quite some time, as many of you are aware. I have not read my Bible in years, but for some reason, on a whim, I brought it with me on this time I am away for work.  And last night I read it. I opened it up to Psalm 62. I have taken comfort in this particular Psalm before and it has been recommended to me from a priest before.  I went to bed last night and read it before sleeping and I can’t really explain what pulled me in to read it.  I am at a crossroads in my life, again, and I have rarely approached my life without deep thought (A predisposition to my anxiety, obviously). But I read something last night that pulled me into this thinking.

I follow a blogger that I really find inspiring. I won’t mention her name or cite the post of hers I read, because I have not asked for permission, but she wrote something yesterday that got me to thinking.  She is “pro-life” and so am I.  I don’t want to get into a debate about the topic, other than to say her post really got me thinking about how much I have pulled away from my faith.  It made me question myself, again. In many ways, I feel ‘right’ about the part of my being that is Stephanie, but there is another part of my being that tells me I’m not on the right path in life at all.  There are times when I miss the faith in which I was raised, but there are other times when I feel like being bisexual, being Stephanie, being who I feel I am makes more sense. And then there are times when I look at life through the lenses of science and I question the reality of my life and what it means to me.

“Trust in God” is a tough piece of advice for me, because the reality for me is that I don’t trust God.  But it is this piece of advice that is suggested time and time again by priests, family, friends and others that have a strong belief in God.  And as a Catholic, I have not done Lent this year or in recent years…

And now, I wonder if I might be backtracking on myself – not a good place for my mind to be.  It makes me wonder what is next for me. It has me questioning if I have been using sexuality as a means to hide my own personal responsibilities in life. Am I a scared little boy unable to handle life? Or am I a woman coming into her own and this is the natural process that has to occur? Or worse, like alcoholism, have I been using my sexuality as a means to achieve some short-lived, superficial happiness based on some mental defect? Is this simply a manifestation of a disturbed mind?

These are my thoughts this morning, as I wake and have a cup of coffee and I prepare to work in one of the most male-driven, masculine-based industries known – drilling for oil.


25 thoughts on “Catholicity and my Sexuality.”

  1. Unfortunately what really makes their whole argument fair absurd is the power of example set by the normal spruiking it. It is a bit like getting ‘medicated’ for being subjected to sexual assault when hospitalized for depression. At least the Marx Brothers or Laurel and Hardy would have appreciated the irony. They may not have needed theology or medical degrees either to make people laugh and feel safe…. or to know that rape harms people (and drains the society) for a long time. At least the paper they make bibles out of were good for cigarette papers… after we read it first. Someone had to bloody well read the thing to call their shit on it. Then don’t be the victim they demand you should be…. be Batman. Always be Batman.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Unfortunately the Bard saw a GP here who has a very public profile here on his anti gay and anti abortion personal beliefs. The guy has been working hard at making enemies in the name of his middle class suburban god. Under our law it is illegal for him to do so but his union is the most powerful lobby group in our federal system so laws do not always apply. A few suburbs away a couple of decades ago an HIV positive GP had been raping young boys… not sure what the Medicare item number for that pricedure was… though there were subsequent commitments to a nearby psych unit where several of the inmates… sorry, patients, claimed to be treated by Chris Dirckze. The only reason why anything was done was because police fought hard to press charges on behalf of his wife who like many married to these kind of lying animals, had to go through the hell of waiting for pathology results to come back after years of sharing a normal relationship with the bloke. We live in a society where making money is often equated with being a moral citizen. My mother knew something was wrong with Dirckze well in advance because he told an outrageous lie about his schooling that was clearly bullshit and he was trying to make himself something he wasn’t. I do not recommend encouragung a doctor to try his own Heliperodol or Largactyl. They don’t laugh and their actions would suggest that they don’t even regard ut as helpful.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Struggling with one’s faith isn’t all that unusual when you’re “not exactly heterosexual” in though or deed; at some point, many bisexuals wind up saying to themselves, “If God didn’t mean for me to be like this, I wouldn’t be like this…” or some other version of this. I’ve learned that there are two aspects to this: Your faith and adherence to religious doctrine and, personally, I’m not sure that they’re the same thing. I’ve heard devout folks say that those of us who aren’t quite straight were given free will by God and we have to deal with whatever choices we make with this gift while, at the same time, if we don’t make the choices doctrine says we are to make, well, now, that’s a problem.

    The catch here is that doctrine seems to be “do as I say, not as I do” and I don’t know how that sits with anyone else since the folks responsible for “enforcing” doctrine have been known to be a little shady themselves and, at least in my opinion, do “normal” things in God’s name to excuse their behaviors that aren’t quite consistent with doctrine. The thing here is that a person has to decide for themselves whether actual doctrine works for them of if their faith in God (or one’s divine being of choice) will be enough to sustain them and then, as far as doctrine goes, do we go all Old Testament about things or embrace what the New Testament says?

    Again, it’s an individual choice. Now, my friend, are you using your issues with sexuality to hide from stuff or as an excuse for things? Maybe but when you look at yourself as a whole, your sexuality and your thoughts about this are only a small part of who you are and, yes, because you tend to struggle with your identity in this (but not as badly as you once did), it’s easy to think that if you weren’t the way you were, things wouldn’t be going badly… but if I understand things with you, they were already going down the drain before the issue of your sexuality ever came up so, no, your sexuality isn’t at the root of your issues; it’s more like life’s unfairness has caught up with you and dumped several metric tons of manure on you and in different forms and now you’re trying to get dug out.

    Digging yourself out is never easy and might I suggest that instead of you freaking out about how and why you got your share of life’s manure dumped on you, you focus on getting yourself dug out because if there’s a need for you to get your life in some kind of order, it’s not gonna happen until you can get into some cleaner, less smelly air and shake the manure off so you can navigate better.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ya might eventually figure out what the mule did to wind up in the ditch but, yeah, worry about that after you get it out – and then do whatever to make sure the mule doesn’t wind up back in said ditch… and with the knowledge and understanding that, yup, it can fall into another ditch…

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Thank you for that! I’m also catholic,going to the protestants from time to time,because the romans in this town are so outmoded and stuck to themselves. And I would say: TRUST IN YOU and in the people,because God is in all of us,he is part of you. That means trusting in God for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I would say to you “Do Not Overthink”, though easier said than done.
    Surrender to the Universe.
    We are all created in Source(‘s) likeness.
    We are spiritual beings, having a Human experience * (I WAS a victim of catholicism) *

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 🙂 It’s a constant question in my life. It used to trouble me, but I’ve gotten to a point where I feel like the questioning is part of my ability to understand and rationalize.


  6. I, too, am a product of my upbringing. I do have a faith I cling to and cherish. I had an eclectic religious background and went to a christian college and yeah, I know my bible VERY well. I was angry at myself for YEARS because I could not do what I knew I was supposed to do. When I finally ‘crossed the line’ and started to embrace sexuality in different ways, I finally reached peace. Yes, there are times I wonder about people calling me a hypocrite and hating me for ‘riding the fences’. My peace is costly, but I rarely have dark days of depression and I truly am a much happier person. Believe in yourself and trust yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. There are so many difficult paths in Life which we find ourselves walking, and to steal half of a line from Full Metal Jacket: ‘Walk the Walk’ is the challenge.
    I come from a Christian background and converted to Catholicism 11 years back. There is a lot drivel spouted by mean-spirited people who say they are Christian of one sort or another, but to me they all belong to the Church of The Sour Lemons. The Love of God is there for us all to embrace and flourish in, as long as we open our hearts and our minds to our fellow people.
    An interesting point speculated by some scholars concerning the NT incident of the Centurion asking Christ to heal his servant is that the servant has actually become the lover of the Centurion. The Centurion is, by the standards of the times is reticent that this rather amazing native should come to his house, because The Centurion is afraid this Jesus will ‘know’. Jesus doesn’t care. He doesn’t care that the man is one of the hated Romans either. Jesus praises him for his faith and the servant is cured.
    Have faith in God’s Love and He will care for you.
    Take care and best wishes

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I love the maths analogy! As an engineer, I really appreciate it and I am not normal!
    I think if religion today with my analytical mind. I have faith, I believe in a higher power as your AA friends seem to call it, but religion was not created by God. Religion was created by flawed human beings to serve their purpose. The Bible was written thousands of years ago by these humans, who lived in a society that was very different from today. A society where it was acceptable to sell your child as a slave, repair rape by marriage to the victim and generally diminishing women. It’s all in the Bible, quoted in black and white. I have friends who know versicles by heart just to use in arguments against hardcore Christians. The point is, if the Bible is holy and to be followed, they shouldn’t be selective on the passages to follow and it seems sexuality is the favourite to bang while the others are ignored.
    I am confident in who I am and religion will not rule me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Your relationship with God is between you and God. We all struggle with our faith and no one has a 100% faith all the time. We doubt , we sin , we fall. We are all human and we will never be perfect. I’m a Christian and I can say that Christians are very judge mental and sooooo many people are stuck on religion which kept me away from God for a very long time. It wasn’t until I started reading the Bible and praying myself that things changed for me . It has nothing to do with religion but everything to do with having a relationship with Christ. You will find your way 😉 just know that you aren’t alone . We are all in this together . ❤️

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