Some Backstory…

The other day, I mentioned I told my wife I am ready for a divorce.  This was a tough place to be, but I wanted to discuss the proverbial straw breaking the camel’s back.  Because it had been a recurring theme in our relationship – almost since day one.  I have made no secrets that our relationship is toxic and I bare an awful lot of responsibility in the relationship, as well, but there are something I am no longer willing to take responsibility.

I’m not sure if I had mentioned, before, but during my time of being laid off I drove for two different ride sharing programs (I won’t mention names, but they rhyme with “Floober” and “Plift”).  Well a couple of months ago, I picked up a couple from a club – a young man and a young woman (compared to me, of course) and began to take them back to the young woman’s apartment.  Along the way, unfortunately, the man had struck the woman in the backseat of my car.  Obviously, I felt I needed to call the police.  Long story short – he was arrested and the young woman felt I had done her a solid – so to speak.  So, a couple of days ago, the young man had a court appearance and I was called as a witness.  I invited my wife to go with me.

The process was annoyingly long, because the judge had a lengthy docket and when the young man’s case was called, he had made arrangements to plead the case out and receive a disposition.  The young woman happened to be present, as well, along with her mother.  When everything was said and done, she approached me afterwards to thank me for what I had done.  I introduced her to my wife and told her I was glad to help.  We parted ways.

Afterwards, my wife didn’t say a word to me.  I asked her what was wrong and she said, “Like you don’t know”. I expressed that I had an idea, but it made more sense for her to tell me.  She told me…off. I heard everything from wanting to have sex with the young woman to wondering how many women I had slept with while driving for these two companies.  I’ll admit, the young woman was attractive, but I was not interested in anything other than doing what was right.  My wife went on to call me every name in the book and I think she might have invented some, as well.  What I have always found as interesting is that she is well aware of my sexuality, but accusations of cheating on her with guys are rare – they do happen, but they are rare.

Well, I have stopped arguing with her. I have long since stopped trying to explain myself in any way.  I used to try, but I was never listened too. I get accused of not listening to her, and I hear that she feels like there are threats to our marriage (oh, just a side note…I mentioned this to another blogger on here, but I’m going to mention it now – she has been texting ex-boyfriends for quite some time). I know I’m not cheating, I know I am not interested in cheating and I know that cheating will destroy a relationship.  And I have done things in our marriage that are not right, but I have never been violent (she has), I have never used our children as a pawn (she has), and I have not brought up the D-word because it hurt her (It flies freely from her mouth, because I’m supposed to understand how she feels).  The bottom line is that I don’t do it and I am not doing it.  She just doesn’t want to see it or doesn’t want to believe it. The argument continued, without me having a chance to voice my feelings or thoughts (very typical for us).

Eventually, she began demanding to know what I want out of the relationship. I expressed that I Wanted to be with someone that allowed me to express myself. I was cut off and told that it was the same old “bullshit”. I told her I couldn’t do this anymore. I told her I didn’t feel like I mattered. I told her that I felt like any changes I’ve made in the relationship have been for nothing.  Then she began asking me to tell her what changes I’ve made I’ve learned that this is a tactic to get me to engage, so she doesn’t have to look at anything she does). I didn’t reply to that, I just said, “I’m not cheating, I’m not interested in any young women. I’m doing the best I can… You either accept me the way I am or you don’t.” Her response was, “You wanted her and the only reason you didn’t try anything is because you know she wouldn’t want you. There is no way any woman would want you and the only reason you’re with me, is because no one wants someone like you.” I smiled at her and said, “I’m ready for a divorce.”  She told me, “Good, because no one wants you here. I don’t want you and the kids don’t want you.”

I left for the evening. And now I am away for work for the next two weeks. I’ve already received texts and voicemails apologizing.

I haven’t responded.

 

(Edit: I just noticed all of my grammatical and spelling errors.  I wrote this in a rush and have no desire to fix anything…I really am done.)

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27 thoughts on “Some Backstory…”

  1. Oh I dont know where to begin…! How VERY abusive to tell someone that “no other woman would want you”! That cut right into my heart and made me so sad, and I wasn’t even the target for that comment!! Whoa, not even my a-hole of an ex said cruel things like that, (even if he hurt me in a lot, a loooot of subtle ways, like serial cheating and compulsive lies about everything).. I am SO glad you did not respond to the “apologies”. The apologies you get from an abusive person, are usually just BS to get their punching bag to obey and get back into the fold… I hope you take your time away to think about how YOU want your life to be, and what you deserve. You spoke the truth in the words you said to her, about what you want and deserve. That was your soul who stood up for your worth, and that is a very powerful thing. I felt my soul ROAR when I left my ex, the roaring words meant my soul could not take ONE more day of being mistreated. Listen to your soul now, it is trying to protect you and bring you to walk on a lighter path of REAL love, which contains true appreciation, gentle kindness, tenderness, and trust. Remember YOUR truth that you spoke to her….

    And please, do not ever go back in any hasty kind of way, because of fear or loneliness. Look at me: I survived. I thought I’d DIE from my broken heart. I didn’t. Now I have started dating again and I would not in a million years wanna go back to being mistreated by my ex. There are billions of women and men out there, and there ARE a lot of people who would wanna be with a person like you!! Never believe manipulations that tell you otherwise!

    Stay strong and hugs to you. SO glad you stood up for YOU. 🌹🌹🌹💙

    Liked by 4 people

    1. It was the first time I’ve stood up since early in the relationship. It felt a little liberating….almost like I don’t have to be subjected to the abuse, if I don’t want to be.
      Thank you for your story my wonderful friend!

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  2. Honey, she is not only toxic, she is abusive and manipulative to the umteenth x infinity degree. You are right to leave and you will be happier and a better father because of it. A long time ago my daughter at age 18 yelled at me, ” MOM!!! Grow a backbone!” I never understood that she was watching me be mistreated and just waiting for me to stand up and say enough. Your kid(s) may feel the same. They need someone to model the right behavior. I love that you are not allowing her to push your buttons and also that you are not engaging. Put yourself first for a change and watch how fast your life turns in a brighter direction!!! I am cheering for you!!! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Only you know what level of abuse you are ok with…. We have all have different toleration levels for pain, be it emotional or physical. Today, I share this with you: “That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place – so transcend your ego and stay in peace. ”

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sorry that you’ve had to endure this type of outrageous abuse, nobody deserves to be treated that way especially by someone who supposedly loves them.
    And I get your breaking point, when you finally asked for a divorce. It’s as if everything goes quiet and that little voice inside of you clearly says “enough”. No fear, no tears, just enough. And you know you, deep inside, you will be better for it. ((Hugs))

    Liked by 2 people

  5. People usually say things out of anger and in the heat of the moment, but some lines should never be crossed. I am so sorry you had to endure this and still do honey, you don’t deserve this.
    This is truly beyond words and I wish I could just hug you and make this all go away. Sending you much love and even more strength for what must come next. Xo

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Man, one thing I’ve learned in this life is to follow your guts no matter what. I’m sure your guts have been telling you that you’re doing the right thing!

    Liked by 3 people

  7. I read this earlier and cried for the pain of the both of your yous. It has taken me years to learn to realise I am not a horrible person. That I don’t sing off key (not all the time, anyway!). To know I’m not always as bad as mom makes me out to be. Please be strong and hold on to YOU. She has her own demons, that wife does, let her battle them on her own. You need to get away. And I pray for your littles.

    Liked by 1 person

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