How does one truly rise from the ashes? Or should I ever come out?

I recognize my last couple of posts have been negative, dark and bleak. I’m not sure what it is about depression that does this to me.  It has a habit of coming in and destroying the positive feelings I begin having for myself.  It’s almost like being happy or striving for more peace is not something I deserve. I’m tired of cliché phrases to make me feel better, I’m tired of seeing therapists, I’m tired of reading self-help books, I’m tired of forcing myself to do things I supposedly like.

But more than anything, I’m tired of the self-deprecating thoughts I have.

I’m tired that I can’t feel the good things that are said to me or about me. I’m tired of not having the motivation to take care of myself, like a normal person. I’m tired of the inability to understand what it is I really want out of life. And I’m tired that I see nothing but “should of” when it comes to looking at myself and my decisions.

I almost made a radical decision yesterday.

I almost came out to someone in my real life. I came dangerously close to revealing to an old friend that I am bisexual.  She and I used to do martial arts together many years ago – in fact, I helped her test for her 2nd degree blackbelt over 20 years ago. I used to have a huge crush on her too.  Well, she and I have managed to stay in contact over the years, although that contact became less and less as time went on.

Yesterday, I made a statement about politics on Facebook because I am frustrated that I am having trouble getting my medical supplies (I’m not a huge fan of government, just so you know) and she had commented on my post.  Well, sometimes I think I come across as uncaring and uncompassionate (Is that a word?) and I sent her a private message. During the conversation, the topic of LGBT rights came up and I had mentioned to her, “Please don’t ever make me admit it in public, but I’m a registered republican that supports LGBT rights.”  She thought it was funny and mentioned she would never make me admit to anything in public.  For a shred of a moment, I considered mentioning to her that I’m bisexual.  And then it struck me for a moment, that she may think that already.

I mentioned I had a huge crush on her. Well, I had seen her naked before…phenomenal body, gorgeous and I would have gladly jumped at the chance to have sex with her. So, why didn’t I?  Well, at the time, she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend.  How did we see each other naked?  Good old fashioned spin the bottle in our little foursome one night.  I never made a move on her back then, and I could never tell if a woman was just being nice to me or if she was interested in me.  That felt like the case with me and her.  But looking back on it from the perspective of the conversation she and I had yesterday, it made me wonder, “Does she already realize I’m bisexual?  Was I displaying signs for the so-called gay-dar that some people have?”

But for the moment, I let it pass. I did not tell her. I did not mention it to anyone who knows me personally. I wonder if I ever will. I’m 44 years old, married, a father, but secretly bisexual with obvious gender confusion.  I spent last night, in the dark, looking up people on Facebook – i.e. a little Facebook stalking. I looked up old girlfriends, I looked up people I’ve hooked up with (guys and girls), I looked up old friends, I looked up all kinds of people. I felt nostalgic and reminiscent. I felt…

…lonely.

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “How does one truly rise from the ashes? Or should I ever come out?”

  1. Good, good, just write everything out, all the tiredness etc. Even if you don’t feel it, it was your own strong soul and courage that pushed you to almost come out, to someone.
    I feel all of this deeply, I am tired too! Am so tired that I am tired of being tired! Hugs!!! 🌹💙

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Omw I feel the same. I keep sinking. And I’m tired of it. Compliments don’t touch me. I don’t hear them. I tried writing them down but I couldn’t feel them. They meant nothing to me. And I don’t get complimented often. But let someone say something negative about me and I absorb it instantly. It Also happens more often. As if I attract people to tell me everything they dislike about me. I also think confusion often occurs when we know something has to change but we don’t want to believe it needs to be changed. I don’t believe in labels. A naked woman turns me on far quicker than a naked man. The label of what that makes me doesn’t matter. I think labels were created just to make some feel better than others. What matters to me is happiness? Does loving a man and being with a man make me happy even though I sometimes crave the touch of a woman? Or do I crave the touch of a woman so much that I’m not satisfied in my relationship with a man? Even those questions I believe are too broad. Sometimes it’s about a specific person who you just connect with on a deeper level… I don’t know. I’m babbling. But ya… I try not to label myself. I often fall into it to understand myself or to describe myself to others or.to fuel my self hate. Depressed. Fat. Food addict. All labels that I use… But they don’t really fit me… It’s just societal thinking that I subscribe to… I was told I was fat ugly and depressed…so that must define me..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It is a scary thing this coming out in the real world and, especially for you who is not a teenager with not much life experience, the response you get from the first person you do it may define your feelings on it once and for all. If you receive acceptance, you will feel braver and if you get rejection from someone else down the line, you will be stronger to brush it off. If you get rejection, everything else will become scary and you will tend to lock yourself up again.
    Saying that, some people just know, whether you tell them or not. Some know from the things that I say but we don’t use the label. Like at work I’ve been clear to colleagues in our random conversations that I would sleep with a woman (woman in question at the time was Margot Robbie and I definitely would). They also know I’m (still) married to a man. The fact that I use a rainbow pin on my fleece I wear daily may give a clue too.
    I have told a couple of friends. They are fine with it and treat me exactly the same way as before. It’s not a subject we keep going back to anyway. It’s not what defines me as a person.
    Just thought I’d share. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve often considered just being open about myself, as if it just “is” and not even life life as if it is something that needs to be mentioned. For example, I like chocolate ice cream, but I don’t bring it up in every single conversation. Sometimes, I feel like my blog is simply a shallow expose of myself and tackles nothing deep or meaningful on a grand scale.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I don’t think the blog is shallow. You are conflicted and that helps you let out steam. It’s important and I do the same.
        In real life, your sexuality really shouldn’t be something you have to bring up continuously. It does not define who you are but it is part of who you are. People should notice and accept it, or maybe ignore it. You’ll still be the same person whether they know it or not. That’s how I take it. The thing with being bi is that there are always assumptions on the binary, not who we really are. I leave it as it is. It doesn’t matter.

        Liked by 2 people

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s