Yesterday, I had a bit of a set-back in my search for happiness, peace and serenity. I call it a set-back, because I intend to come out of this. I don’t enjoy the feelings I had, yesterday at all. There are so many changes going on in my life right now and I am not handling them as well as I thought. In fact, I broke my sobriety yesterday – I went out and had a couple of beers. And the only positive thing I can take from that, is that I knew I didn’t actually want to drink. I thought I did, but as soon as I had the couple of beers, I wanted to stop. I didn’t really want to drink…I simply didn’t like it, so I stopped and left, thinking to myself, “Fuck this shit…”
Everything in my mind seems convoluted and I feel like I’m trying, desperately, to find happiness and that there is none to be found. I am searching for some sort of identity that I feel like I have lost someplace in life. I feel like there is something better out there for me and I just can’t seem to find it.
I’m conflicted on my relationship. She has began talking to a couple of her ex boyfriends – and it seems like I should be worried or offended, but I’m not. It oddly makes sense to me. Although we are intending to see a counselor, I feel our relationship is toxic and needs to end. Yet, we are both, inexplicably drawn into the relationship.
I’m conflicted on my sexual orientation. I’m conflicted with this revelation I’ve had that there is this Stephanie wanting to come to the surface of my being. But when I go and visit someone like my dad, I feel automatically ashamed of myself and yet, happy to know that I should be the person my parents raised me to be. I begin to exhibit machismo and traditional masculine traits after visiting my parents. I look at my online interactions with people and I begin to wonder if I’m so weak that I just take on others’ assumptions. Am I really bi or am I accepting other people’s opinions as my own? I hate the fact that I am in constant conflict with this – even when I think I’m finally comfortable, something tells me I’m “not right”.
I’m conflicted about my financial situation. I currently have an opportunity returning to an employer, whom previously laid me off, to build upon the career I once had. The financial possibilities seem good. But I have this inkling about me that doesn’t seem to care about career and money anymore. All I need is for my family to be okay…I don’t want to be right like I once wanted. I don’t care about running a business like I once did. I don’t care about being an engineer like I once did. On some level, I just want to do something that really matters in life. Sometimes I just want to do a job that is focused on people and not things. But my debts suck and I feel like a slave to my life, because I can’t find the happiness I so badly want.
And I hear, so often, people telling me that they want nothing but happiness for me. That’s conflicting for me too, because it’s what I want. But I also feel like I’m forcing it, and it feels fake sometimes. I don’t know how to find that level of peace that everything will be okay. I try and find some things to take comfort, but I wonder if I’m taking comfort or if I am just finding another way of running from my problems in life. It’s a hard place to be, because I know I want happiness, but I don’t know how to really find it.
I’m getting a pedicure today, I think?
Or maybe not.
Maybe a short hike?
Eh…don’t feel like driving anywhere.
It won’t happen.
No, I really am not interested anymore.
Buy a dress?
Look for a new job?
I’m sooo picky.
I’m just not sure yet.
The struggle is real.