Looking

Yesterday, I had a bit of a set-back in my search for happiness, peace and serenity.  I call it a set-back, because I intend to come out of this. I don’t enjoy the feelings I had, yesterday at all. There are so many changes going on in my life right now and I am not handling them as well as I thought.  In fact, I broke my sobriety yesterday – I went out and had a couple of beers. And the only positive thing I can take from that, is that I knew I didn’t actually want to drink.  I thought I did, but as soon as I had the couple of beers, I wanted to stop. I didn’t really want to drink…I simply didn’t like it, so I stopped and left, thinking to myself, “Fuck this shit…”

Everything in my mind seems convoluted and I feel like I’m trying, desperately, to find happiness and that there is none to be found. I am searching for some sort of identity that I feel like I have lost someplace in life. I feel like there is something better out there for me and I just can’t seem to find it.

I’m conflicted on my relationship. She has began talking to a couple of her ex boyfriends – and it seems like I should be worried or offended, but I’m not. It oddly makes sense to me. Although we are intending to see a counselor, I feel our relationship is toxic and needs to end. Yet, we are both, inexplicably drawn into the relationship.

I’m conflicted on my sexual orientation. I’m conflicted with this revelation I’ve had that there is this Stephanie wanting to come to the surface of my being. But when I go and visit someone like my dad, I feel automatically ashamed of myself and yet, happy to know that I should be the person my parents raised me to be.  I begin to exhibit machismo and traditional masculine traits after visiting my parents. I look at my online interactions with people and I begin to wonder if I’m so weak that I just take on others’ assumptions.  Am I really bi or am I accepting other people’s opinions as my own? I hate the fact that I am in constant conflict with this – even when I think I’m finally comfortable, something tells me I’m “not right”.

I’m conflicted about my financial situation. I currently have an opportunity returning to an employer, whom previously laid me off, to build upon the career I once had.  The financial possibilities seem good. But I have this inkling about me that doesn’t seem to care about career and money anymore.  All I need is for my family to be okay…I don’t want to be right like I once wanted. I don’t care about running a business like I once did. I don’t care about being an engineer like I once did.  On some level, I just want to do something that really matters in life. Sometimes I just want to do a job that is focused on people and not things. But my debts suck and I feel like a slave to my life, because I can’t find the happiness I so badly want.

And I hear, so often, people telling me that they want nothing but happiness for me. That’s conflicting for me too, because it’s what I want. But I also feel like I’m forcing it, and it feels fake sometimes. I don’t know how to find that level of peace that everything will be okay. I try and find some things to take comfort, but I wonder if I’m taking comfort or if I am just finding another way of running from my problems in life. It’s a hard place to be, because I know I want happiness, but I don’t know how to really find it.

Today…?

I’m getting a pedicure today, I think?

Or maybe not.

Maybe a short hike?

Eh…don’t feel like driving anywhere.

Get laid?

It won’t happen.

Drink?

No, I really am not interested anymore.

Buy a dress?

Probably not.

Look for a new job?

I’m sooo picky.

I’m just not sure yet.

The struggle is real.

 

Advertisements

16 thoughts on “Looking”

  1. I am amazed right now… at this part of your post:

    “people telling me that they want nothing but happiness for me. That’s conflicting for me too, because it’s what I want. But I also feel like I’m forcing it, and it feels fake sometimes. I don’t know how to find that level of peace that everything will be okay. I try and find some things to take comfort, but I wonder if I’m taking comfort or if I am just finding another way of running from my problems in life.”

    This is EXACTLY what I think, feel, and try to say but have never been able to convey it properly. I feel like I’m forcing it and it feels fake. And people say to continue to fake it until you really believe it. I am just too logical… too analytical… to be able to keep up a fake persona. And… finding things to take comfort… yes, I can find things but they are not really “me”… they’re things like my kids, my mom, etc. They’re not things about ME so like you said, I feel like taking comfort in these external things, it’s just a way to ignore the real issues.

    And I also wish for happiness… but I’m not sure what that even is… so how can I find it?

    Sorry, I have rambled on and I am not helpful. But I understand your words as though they were my own.

    hugs xo ♥

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re helpful, because you can relate.
      I have often heard the phrase “fake it until you make it”, which falls short for a mind that tends to rely on empiricism (a mathematic approach to life?) to determine the validity of something.

      I feel like my time is precious and I hate feeling like I waste my time on things that don’t seem toverwhelming matter in the long run.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I really hate that phrase (the fake it one). If I tell myself a hundred times a day that I have 400 billion dollars in my bank account, it’s not going to appear there. (I f-ing wish!) I know that’s probably not a valid comparison… but to me, it’s the same thing!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I think you are still conflicted because of your upbringing. Your parents bring the macho persona so you don’t have to show them your more sensitive side.
    You can accept yourself but you are still scared of their judgment.
    I’m always on your side, no matter if you are feeling macho or girly!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You have reached a point in your life, a “been there done that” point when it comes to your career. Same here and people mistake it sometimes with a lack of drive or motivation. That’s not it and I just don’t need to be competitive and less is more these days. The problem is you feel stuck and you have to do these types of jobs to meet your financial obligations.
    Years ago my husband had a gambling problem, lost his job and we were in the same situation (and to a point I still have a certain salary requirement today). Burdened by debt and now unable to pay, his actions forced us into bankruptcy. A tough choice for me given the responsible person I am and if was definitively something I struggled with for years. Today I can’t help but think that it was the best we could do. I still wish this could have been different but it was beyond my control and the turn around of getting my life back. I still deal with the toxic relationship and that too will, soon fall into place. You are too weighed down my friend and the obligations and responsibilities are killing you. You don’t need a career anymore, you just need a place to comfortably exist, a place to be accepted for who you are, a place to be.
    And the guilt about Stephanie and being around your dad is instilled by the beliefs and values of your parents. How you should be and what is acceptable or not. That is all true and well for the values of your parents, but you are not living their life and you have your own to life. There is nothing wrong with it being different than theirs, but I do understand as we thrive all of our lives to please others. You will always fall short and your happiness lies around the corner once you eliminate some weight and start doing for you regardless of opinions and approval of others.
    Huge hug, you can do it and you know I believe in you.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s