I’m home and things are becoming frustrating. I’m trying to manage things and there is so much stress and things going on that I had to go for a walk. I did it. I went for a walk and I felt like it would be better. Then, as I sat all alone and thinking about the past couple of days, I felt my heart rate increase…I checked my pulse and it was 92 bpm as I was resting.
I remember reading one time that stress and anxiety can manifest itself, physiologically, with a fight or flight response. So, my elevated heart rate told me I might have the onset of a panic attack. I haven’t had that in a long time. But I got to thinking about it and I sort of think I’m fucking myself – a sort of mental masturbation where you play with a thought over and over in your head until you realize you fucked yourself.
I’ve been doing something I haven’t shared with any of you (okay, a few of you, but not many…) and I’m getting hooked. I don’t know why I’m tempting fate. I don’t know why I think I can do something I probably shouldn’t. I don’t know why something that feels happy, I can’t recognize as shallow an probably not long lasting.
There is something wrong with me…