High Alert: My anxiety is ramped up.

I’m home and things are becoming frustrating.  I’m trying to manage things and there is so much stress and things going on that I had to go for a walk.  I did it.  I went for a walk and I felt like it would be better.  Then, as I sat all alone and thinking about the past couple of days, I felt my heart rate increase…I checked my pulse and it was 92 bpm as I was resting.

I remember reading one time that stress and anxiety can manifest itself, physiologically, with a fight or flight response. So, my elevated heart rate told me I might have the onset of a panic attack.  I haven’t had that in a long time.  But I got to thinking about it and I sort of think I’m fucking myself – a sort of mental masturbation where you play with a thought over and over in your head until you realize you fucked yourself.

I’ve been doing something I haven’t shared with any of you (okay, a few of you, but not many…) and I’m getting hooked.  I don’t know why I’m tempting fate. I don’t know why I think I can do something I probably shouldn’t. I don’t know why something that feels happy, I can’t recognize as shallow an probably not long lasting.

There is something wrong with me…

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30 thoughts on “High Alert: My anxiety is ramped up.”

  1. Many people who experienced trauma in their childhood actually have faulty stress systems. They either produce cortisol (i.e. the main chemical in fight-or-flight system) at a higher or lower rate than the standard. I believe my anxiety is in part due to a “broken” stress response system. Often I feel “activated” almost all the time. I don’t know if that applies to you, but you are correct about the relationship between stress and anxiety with the fight-or-flight system. Being able to track the physiological symptoms of your emotions is a great skill to have. It has helped me a lot.

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  2. My suggestion: Get into counseling asap and remove yourself, even if it’s temporarily, from the source of the anxiety. Guilty pleasures can be nice depending on the situation. Is your situation ready for this yet or are you just in it for instant gratification? No matter what, don’t drink unless your ass literally falls off!! It’ll be better tomorrow… it’s all temporary. (((Hugs))) my sweet friend.

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      1. Of course.. it goes with the territory of addiction. I always have to look at my behavior of “wanting it now” to make me feel good at the moment because I felt so bad for so damn long. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. You are a spiritual being having a human experience.

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  3. With mom being so ill, I go to sugar often. I know it is bad for me. I know I need to ‘fix’ when I imbibe. I do it anyway. I have no self control when I know there are Jr Mints in my room or other yummy things. Not buying them is almost worse. I start to beat myself up inside over wanting something and then if I do get it, I over indulge. I do this all the time when I am around mom. And I get sick and feel dumb and mad at myself. I sometimes go thru a bottle of glucose tablets in a month because I am trying to ‘behave’. Know you have many friends out here holding your hand. It kind of helps.

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  4. Keep breathing mate. Don’t drink and know nothing can make you. Phone a friend. A lot of .message banks in the fellowship we sometimes find. So do a meeting. Keep yourself moving. You have enough tools to even put up a little bit of structure. You will stand your ground mate 😊

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  5. You have been through a lot lately and some days it all catches up to us and seems to drown us. Things we know become foreign as we fall into the same traps and all feels helpless. What usually helps me is becoming aware of my destructive thoughts and somehow awareness puts them back at bay.
    Thinking about you and hope this passes quickly for you. Much love xoxoxo

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  6. I can empathize. Anxiety, panic disorder and depression are my life long companions/demons. Everyone has their advise, but unless someone has walked in my (or your) shoes, they don’t/cant “get it”….

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