It’s been a while, since I last wrote in my Appreciation Jar, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to feel more positive about my life. In fact, I have not continued reading the Beautiful You Journal, but I think I need to get back to it (I have this thing about me, that it drives me crazy to leave things unfinished…), but I wanted to take a moment to recognize something that occurred as a result of yesterday’s post: A lot of you have accepted me as I am, even when I have not fully accepted myself. The case in point is being Stephanie.
I admit, I am not entirely comfortable with the conundrum of gender-identity, but after having this discussion with a few of you, I feel more comfortable with the identity of Stephanie being a very real part of who I am. I certainly don’t want to deny the existence of my maleness or masculinity, but I also don’t want to deny that Stephanie is a part of who I am – even as buried and suppressed as I have made her. In some way, it is time for her to be a part of the life I live. One of you challenged me to examine Stephanie a little deeper and ask myself questions about how I felt when I experienced life in that role. Some of you have already began to refer to me with this pretty name, and yet, still can see me as my born gender (This is something truly important to me), and some of you have simply allowed me to express myself however it is presented.
Does this mean, I’m going to have a surgery, change my entire life in a drastic way? No of course not. I know there are people that this is a viable route for them, but for me it is not. But I want to express myself in this way from time to time. I am liking the fact that a few of you have already taken to calling me by the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl. It’s encouraging to me that I’m not a freak or that I’m not some sort of horrible person. I know that I am always going to be male and I don’t regret that at all, but I am at a place where I want to embrace all aspects of myself. I want to embrace my humanity, I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to embrace my struggles with alcohol, I want to embrace that I fight depression, I want to embrace that I manage anxiety, I want to embrace that my health is important, I want to embrace my flaws and my strengths, I want to embrace everything about myself – including Stephanie.
And now, without shame, I think I am comfortable allowing this part of me to be a very real piece of who I am and I am now welcoming…