AJ: Stephanie

It’s been a while, since I last wrote in my Appreciation Jar, but it has a lot to do with the fact that I am beginning to feel more positive about my life.  In fact, I have not continued reading the Beautiful You Journal, but I think I need to get back to it (I have this thing about me, that it drives me crazy to leave things unfinished…), but I wanted to take a moment to recognize something that occurred as a result of yesterday’s post: A lot of you have accepted me as I am, even when I have not fully accepted myself. The case in point is being Stephanie.

I admit, I am not entirely comfortable with the conundrum of gender-identity, but after having this discussion with a few of you, I feel more comfortable with the identity of Stephanie being a very real part of who I am. I certainly don’t want to deny the existence of my maleness or masculinity, but I also don’t want to deny that Stephanie is a part of who I am – even as buried and suppressed as I have made her.  In some way, it is time for her to be a part of the life I live.  One of you challenged me to examine Stephanie a little deeper and ask myself questions about how I felt when I experienced life in that role. Some of you have already began to refer to me with this pretty name, and yet, still can see me as my born gender (This is something truly important to me), and some of you have simply allowed me to express myself however it is presented.

Does this mean, I’m going to have a surgery, change my entire life in a drastic way?  No of course not.  I know there are people that this is a viable route for them, but for me it is not.  But I want to express myself in this way from time to time.  I am liking the fact that a few of you have already taken to calling me by the name my mother would have given me had I been born a girl.  It’s encouraging to me that I’m not a freak or that I’m not some sort of horrible person. I know that I am always going to be male and I don’t regret that at all, but I am at a place where I want to embrace all aspects of myself.  I want to embrace my humanity, I want to embrace my sexuality, I want to embrace my struggles with alcohol, I want to embrace that I fight depression, I want to embrace that I manage anxiety, I want to embrace that my health is important, I want to embrace my flaws and my strengths, I want to embrace everything about myself – including Stephanie.

And now, without shame, I think I am comfortable allowing this part of me to be a very real piece of who I am and I am now welcoming…

…Stephanie.

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “AJ: Stephanie”

  1. I understand Depression.. and I also understand each of us have many layers that we have around ourselves.. Peeling them back is often a painful process, as it means we have to have courage to speak our truth.. You have shown amazing courage in speaking publicly about your gender..
    We who feel comfortable in our own skin and gender have no idea how it must feel to be in one body and yet feel we should be in another.. So I commend you for speaking your truth.. And for seeking your true identity..
    We are within a time now when many of us are going within to find our true selves.. It means lots of internal work though many emotions.. As we confront our fears and lay to rest our anxieties..
    Be proud of who you are.. And do not be afraid of who you wish to become..

    Love and Blessings
    Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your encouraging words, Sue. I’ve often heard people describe their gender identities as being “trapped”. I tend to see mine as more of a dichotomy – both exist, not so much that one is how I truly identify. Does that make sense?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yes it makes perfect sense.. We are dual personalities, we are both Male and Female energies.. Each of us hold these energies, and for many we are in control of them. For others the dormant energy wants to control… When you understand we are Spirit first and foremost .. And when you delve deeper into understanding we are more than our bodies you then begin to see various possibilities of why we channel one or the other at times.. I don’t know if this makes sense to you.. I don’t wish to go too deep into this.. But just follow your heart and your feelings.. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Truly! I’m just making a habit of pointing out all the things that are making me happy. I’m not wanting to return to the negative view point I used to have…so, I’m making sure I recognize the happy things.

      Truly, this post is 100% about me…lol…selfish, I know, but it is what it is.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. The key to accepting sexual/sexuality issues is to embrace them even if those around you might object or otherwise give you a raft of shit. I know way back when I accepted my bisexuality, I understood that this was just a part of the whole – human personalities are diverse and even confusing but still part of whole of who we are as a person.

    So, Stephanie is just as much a part of you as anything else; again, not one of those Sybil situations or some other personality disorder but it’s you (or any other guy like you) embracing your feminine side and giving her a name – better than calling her “that chick” or “whatshername.”

    All bisexual men have to come up with their own unique way to accept that we’re just a bit different from our gay and straight counterparts so that, eventually, we don’t give ourselves mental collywobbles embracing bisexuality. Nope, I don’t see you hustling to dive into gender reassignment surgery; you’re quite secure in the knowledge that you are male… but if you’re feminine side is named Stephanie and it makes you comfortable, well, that works.

    My friend, you have come such a long way from where you were when I first started reading your blog and, once again, I knew you could come to terms with your sexuality and stop being overwhelmed by it.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. While I do apologize for being tough, nah, not really because the one reason why some bi guys never adjust and get comfortable is because others aren’t being straight with them or otherwise blowing smoke up their ass… and I just will not do that because, as I like to say, sometimes ignorance isn’t bliss, silence isn’t golden, and what you don’t know just might kill you in some way.

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Trapped. I’ve been caught for years in a box of my own making. Well, that and the boards and nails of convention and society. Even now, there are persons who like me online and would shun me in real life. Kdaddy is pretty smart. His first sentence is perfect.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, I do realize there are always two kinds of people – those that care about you and those that don’t. I have made too much of a habit of listening to the ones that don’t care. Now it’s time to listen to the ones that do. 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  4. All for acceptance !! A close family member is gay, so I don’t raise an eyebrow at all at people being gay/transsexual/ bi, or anything like that. Here in this country where I live, it doesn’t seem to be a big deal at all.. people were open with it since the 70’s and it has only evolved from there I guess. 🙂 I hope you can feel the same acceptance towards yourself. 🙂 😄

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Looking forward to hearing more about your story! xo

    *delete if not allowed*

    but hey, I am a new blogger and looking for people to have a read of my first blog, please have a look and like and comment too! thanks xx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s