SARD: Part 13 – Finding Love as a Bisexual.

Sometimes I think I spend way to much time alone, because I spend a lot of time thinking when I do.  Today, I happened to be thinking about my sexuality and how it relates to the current job I’m doing and also how it relates to my relationships in life.

I work in a job, that is currently all men – one would think that I would love all that machismo, rough, tough, testosterone driven men, right?  The reality is, men like that are not very accepting of “men” like myself. As a result, I keep my sexuality a big secret from anyone I work with – it’s a need for self preservation that motivates me to do this. But it made me think about the various times in my life that I was willing to flirt with the idea that I am into guys – things that are a part of my Sexual and Relationship Development.

On previous blogs, I mentioned that I went back and forth at different times in my life wondering if I was gay, confused, acting out from being victimized, etc.  When I was younger, there was no such thing as “bisexual”, let alone any gender other than two.  Society has certainly changed, but attitudes are not so much changed. People aren’t as vocal about their disdain for others, but it still exists.  As a bisexual guy, being open and honest with people was nearly an impossibility.  I know I made different attempts at trying to confront it and mentioning it to friends, but it has not gone very successfully.  I have mentioned before, but today it really made me wonder how my life might have been different if I were open to the possibility that some guy would fall in love with me.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things about my life and people in my life, that I would never want to change (I have children, for example, but I don’t often discuss them out of a sense of protection), but I have pondered what might have been different about life if I had openly dated and loved guys.  I wonder if my own attitude towards sexuality would have been different; I’m certain, I would have come to terms with my sexuality a lot faster. But I have always wanted to be pursued by a buy, much like many of them pursue women.

I’ve never had that experience of a guy trying to woo me. I wonder if a guy would do silly things for me, the way I have seen them do silly things for girls.  Would I have been serendipitously flirty with a guy paying attention to me?  What about being asked out on a date?  I have only had that experience once, and I have always regretted it. If my sexuality wasn’t frowned upon, growing up, I can only imagine I would have developed a different mindset on dating. I would have wanted guys to pursue me, I would have tried to do things that made it obvious that I was as available to guys as I was girls.  I would have wanted to experiment with my sexuality in ways that teenaged kids do. I would have wanted to kiss, be kissed, chase and be chased by guys.  Although I was stood up for my senior prom, I could have let a guy take me – and I would have given myself up to him. I think I could have had a boyfriend, if only things were different.

But they are not different. My reality is what it is, and I’d like to think that I have the self-knowledge and self-acceptance to embrace my sexuality with a loving heart. Ultimately, that is all what we want on some level – to be loved and to share love. And I am glad that I now know that if I am ever in a place where I can be open to a man loving me, I can give him what he needs.


29 thoughts on “SARD: Part 13 – Finding Love as a Bisexual.”

  1. I like being open and I have come to love embracing who I am. No matter what relationship I’m in, I have made a conscious decision to be proud of who I am as a pansexual woman.
    I don’t know what the future reserves for me but I will be, once again, open to anything that makes me feel love.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. “Society has certainly changed, but attitudes are not so much changed. ” This is so VERY true. Sexuality is such a taboo subject in any form other than monogamous males and females together. Crazy, but true. This was brave and as girl, I think you’d be fun to date!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. If you feel like you should have been more open about your attraction to men, then why not change now and start! Put yourself out there and see if you can find a bf, or better yet, a bf that also likes girls too! Who knows what you’ll find.

    Liked by 1 person

        1. So, there are a couple of reasons. One is that I’m still, technically, married. I think the relationship is on the verge of collapse, but I don’t think it’s right to find someone else until it’s officially over. Also, going out in public like that would be a HUGE leap for me…and I’m kinda shy, until I get to know someone.

          Liked by 1 person

          1. Dang at the marriage part. Thats a bit of a predicament. Once it ends maybe you’ll feel more ready to get back out there. Not trying to prod you to end your marriage or anything. At the end of the day, though, you have to do what makes you happy and let go of what doesnt.

            Sooner or late definitely hope to see some posts of you and some awesome dude, or girl, or hell, a photo of you in the middle of your bf and gf who are in total approval of one another 🙂 thatd be awesome!

            Liked by 1 person

  4. A brilliant piece I can relate to. I too have never taken up the chance of a same sex relationship due to marriage at an early age. That is now coming to an end and I know what I want – to explore my suppressed sexuality if the opportunity arises.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I think you have spoke to others with this piece because we all are trying to find ourselves on this journey called life. It can be hard to be happy and be me. I often compare myself to the people that I met or the people that are in my life, I have recognized that I’m a rare individual, with my open mindedness.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Such a beautiful post. I had the same confusion and feelings, I took the leap and fully put myself out there.

    I know have a girlfriend of 2 years and it’s the happiest time of my life. I hope you find what you are looking for, first impressions you’re a lovely human being and deserve the world!

    Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. “I work in a job, that is currently all men – one would think that I would love all that machismo, rough, tough, testosterone driven men, right? The reality is, men like that are not very accepting of “men” like myself.”

    Um, not always; the reality is that guys like the ones you described often hide their “realness” behind machismo. Such men work and play hard and, yup, sometimes they play hard with other men sans clothing. I’ve been around too many macho, testosterone-drenched dudes, have heard them ranting and raving against men who like men and I know that some of them could be made to squeal like a girl and, um, rather easily. In this, not everything is as it appears to be.

    We all want to love and be loved; we’d rather be accepted for who and what we are but not so much be transformed into someone – or something – we aren’t, can’t be, or don’t want to be. It is said that if we cannot love ourselves, we won’t be able to love others; love, in any form, doesn’t begin with someone else: It starts with us.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Indeed you are! I remember the you of two years ago and it makes me happy to see how far you’ve progressed from that pitiful soul I ran into back then. Keep up the good work; I still have faith in you and believe you’ll overcome all of your woes.

        Oh, by the way, it wasn’t a threat… you need a good spanking, 5th dan not withstanding…

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s