Sometimes I think I spend way to much time alone, because I spend a lot of time thinking when I do. Today, I happened to be thinking about my sexuality and how it relates to the current job I’m doing and also how it relates to my relationships in life.
I work in a job, that is currently all men – one would think that I would love all that machismo, rough, tough, testosterone driven men, right? The reality is, men like that are not very accepting of “men” like myself. As a result, I keep my sexuality a big secret from anyone I work with – it’s a need for self preservation that motivates me to do this. But it made me think about the various times in my life that I was willing to flirt with the idea that I am into guys – things that are a part of my Sexual and Relationship Development.
On previous blogs, I mentioned that I went back and forth at different times in my life wondering if I was gay, confused, acting out from being victimized, etc. When I was younger, there was no such thing as “bisexual”, let alone any gender other than two. Society has certainly changed, but attitudes are not so much changed. People aren’t as vocal about their disdain for others, but it still exists. As a bisexual guy, being open and honest with people was nearly an impossibility. I know I made different attempts at trying to confront it and mentioning it to friends, but it has not gone very successfully. I have mentioned before, but today it really made me wonder how my life might have been different if I were open to the possibility that some guy would fall in love with me.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things about my life and people in my life, that I would never want to change (I have children, for example, but I don’t often discuss them out of a sense of protection), but I have pondered what might have been different about life if I had openly dated and loved guys. I wonder if my own attitude towards sexuality would have been different; I’m certain, I would have come to terms with my sexuality a lot faster. But I have always wanted to be pursued by a buy, much like many of them pursue women.
I’ve never had that experience of a guy trying to woo me. I wonder if a guy would do silly things for me, the way I have seen them do silly things for girls. Would I have been serendipitously flirty with a guy paying attention to me? What about being asked out on a date? I have only had that experience once, and I have always regretted it. If my sexuality wasn’t frowned upon, growing up, I can only imagine I would have developed a different mindset on dating. I would have wanted guys to pursue me, I would have tried to do things that made it obvious that I was as available to guys as I was girls. I would have wanted to experiment with my sexuality in ways that teenaged kids do. I would have wanted to kiss, be kissed, chase and be chased by guys. Although I was stood up for my senior prom, I could have let a guy take me – and I would have given myself up to him. I think I could have had a boyfriend, if only things were different.
But they are not different. My reality is what it is, and I’d like to think that I have the self-knowledge and self-acceptance to embrace my sexuality with a loving heart. Ultimately, that is all what we want on some level – to be loved and to share love. And I am glad that I now know that if I am ever in a place where I can be open to a man loving me, I can give him what he needs.