Manipulated into hopelessness.

“You’re trying to get rid of me, because you don’t love me…”

The statement creates such a tumultuous affair in my mind. We just made love last night… How can you think…?  I love you…I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m just working.  Trying to be there on time is important. Why can’t you see that I must work? I don’t hate you, far from it, I’ll do anything for you.  This is a test. She needs to know I care. She needs to know I’m going to make her important when she needs it. But why does she always need it when I have an obligation? Get rid of you? I’m going to work…I’m late to work, because you asked me to tak you to breakfast and I did that , because I love you. I don’t understand how you think I am trying to get rid of you…

The terror of her thinking I want someone else. I never wanted anyone else. I hated being punched in the face. I hated the constant fighting. I was desperate to prove that I loved you, but I felt tortured with the need to constantly sacrifice the things I love for her. I wanted her to hurt for making me hurt, for attacking my dignity as a man. I was raised to never strike a woman – no matter what. But how do I protect myself from her pummeling me every time her feelings are hurt? And why…oh why are her feelings constantly hurt?

I have never abandoned you, but you treat every situation like it’s final. Maybe it should be final and you have a hard time accepting that. But I’m drawn in, by having my ethics and integrity questioned by you. You are good, you know what buttons to push. You know the things that trigger me to desperately seek your approval. Why can’t I Feel happiness, regardless of how you feel?  And worse, why do I try and find the fault of my ways in every situation, but can’t stand up to you anymore? 

But I comply. I give her what she wants, because it’s easier than the hours – no days – worth of arguing that she and I will do. I believe her to be mentally ill, but is that a preposterous thing to suggest, since I suffer from my own depressive and anxious monsters? But we made vows for sickness and health, and I am required to stand by her side – especially, when I have acted selfishly in the past.

You call me a pussy and question my abilities to husband and father, anytime I want to discuss my feelings and needs. Your questions about me are always a trap, because you want to point out how selfish I am.  I feel like every time your feelings are hurt, intention matters not to you…only the effect it has on you, based on your twisted interpretation. You hate when I make attempts predicting your reactions, but if I’m not careful, you will lash out with vehemence. Everything you do is justified by someone hurting your feelings. You hold me responsible for everything bad in your life and I take it, I take responsibility for things that are not my fault. “I forgive you” are words you say, but you don’t… You never forgive, you remember and you hold them over my head. God forbid any mistakes are made, because your anger is always my fault.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to drink away all the pain I felt. I knew I was fighting a losing battle with her. I always felt like things would be better; hell, she even stopped hitting me several years ago, “I stopped caring so much”, she said – a not so subtle way to imply that her lack of care is my fault. I never had the strength to leave her. I never had the emotional fortitude to stand up and say, “This is toxic for both of us.” I wanted her to leave; I needed her to leave. It made more sense…girls always left me. I’ve always assumed I could change and show them all I loved them and could be who they want me to be. Even for her…especially for her.

Even the therapist said I took responsibility for my actions, but it wasn’t something you wanted to hear. Did it mean you couldn’t hold things above my head anymore?  It didn’t seem to sway you. Even in choosing a counselor, you wanted to choose someone so I “couldn’t manipulate the counselor”. Although you picked her, you accused me of getting her to believe me over you.  Your pain is real; I’ve never doubted it. You’ve had some fucked-up things happen to you in life and my actions in our relationship didn’t help, but I do take responsibility. I have gone through great lengths to prove my love for you. I’m not rich, I’m not flashy, I’m not extravagant, but I have been authentically in love with you – and I’ll venture to say that I have accepted things that I feel most would not. Do I have a victim mentality about our relationship?  Yes, because I am connected to this in a toxic way that doesn’t serve me or you in any positive way.

I have no ability to please her.

I don’t understand why I try.

Guilt.

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42 thoughts on “Manipulated into hopelessness.”

  1. Narcissist alert! From the outside looking in, and with your words as a window, that all sounds like gaslighting, manipulating, and blame shifting. Vows are vows. I get the better or worse thing, and I admire you for sticking it out. But how long will you be able to tolerate it?

    Liked by 3 people

          1. From what I gather, there’s some on both sides. But constant reminders from one sure doesn’t help either heal. And, as a male myself, I know that questioning our ability and/or performance as a husband, father, and man, is a quick way to build up a stone wall of resentment from us. I’ve probably asked you this before, but have y’all gone the counseling route?

            Liked by 2 people

              1. Duh. I just read that in this post. It’s friday, and my brain is mush. Sounds like she doesn’t want to take ANY responsibility for ANY of your all’s issues. That’s definitely a recipe for resentment. Can y’all talk? Honestly, and rationally? Or does is dissolve into blame and anger?

                Liked by 1 person

                  1. I’m so sorry. Honesty is always best, regardless. I hope it doesn’t come to that. That said though, sometimes it’s just time to call it a day. I’ve been watching one of my close friends and his wife struggle, after she had an affair. It’s hard to watch. But, I fear my friend is close to calling it done and moving on. That water flowing under the bridge can be hard to ignore. 😕

                    Liked by 1 person

  2. ❤ I’ve no magnificent words of wisdom; only a heart full of love and hope that as you reread your own words you will see that you don’t deserve to live like this.

    Not in the least. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  3. You are in a highly abusive relationship. I agree from what I read, that she has narcissist written all over her. It’s all about her, her needs and wants at everyone else’s expense. I speak from experience when I say, save yourself.. get out and get individual therapy. No good can come from trying to fix her. Stop making excuses.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You can only change you, not the other person. Maybe after enough change you will see this is not the kind of life you want. You are worth so much more,my friend and deserve someone who will appreciate you for who you are, not for what they expect of you.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I know so many men who are in relationships with narcissist women. I get you don’t want to leave, sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do. Everyone will benefit in the long run. Unless she manipulates the kids (I thought I read you had kids), which is a horrid possibility. But still not worth having them see the constant friction and frustrations.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Narcissist, for sure… not knowing her history, it could be based in severe insecurity, but it is NO excuse for physical and emotional abuse.
    I, myself, have been where she is (minus the doling out of physical abuse) and only time and a willingness to work on my issues helped… and giving in to her demands, allowing her to manipulate you actually stops that process from beginning (if she is able to ever begin at all, some people never do).

    I’m NOT trying to tell you your business, but I USED TO BE HER… and if you have children… when they get older, and no longer play in with her insecurities and the fantasy she has created that MUST remain intact, she will treat them the same way… and she’s teaching them that how she behaves is how relationships work.
    You deserve better, your kids deserve better.
    At the very least, please find a therapist for YOU alone, they would be better able (and more credible than an internet stranger) to explain to you her behavior, yours, and the effects it can/will have on your kids.

    Good luck, and I’m so sorry you’re in this position. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. I was in an emotionally abuse relationship for almost 4 years, and wanted to get out for so long, but I cared too much about her and didn’t want to hurt her. But I was miserable. It was only when I started therapy that I started gaining the strength to do what I knew I had to. Leave her. Therapy helped me decide what I want to do, the effects on me, and NOT on her. We can’t control others, only ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Oh, T…. I think the others are right about the narcissism. You do not deserve this, especially with how hard you work both secularly and on your own mental/emotional health and well being. AND after having tried admirably to save your marriage through counseling, etc. I’m afraid I don’t have any quick answers for you, but know that I care and send love your way.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sorry, friend.. seems like it has been a struggle for quite some time. All I can say is: Love is supposed to build you up, not break you down… life is short, think about how you want your love life to look and feel, and if it is possible with this person, or not… only yoi decide what you can stand and what you deserve. I know how hard it canbe to leave, though. Bit sometimes it is the only option if we want to live, breathe and love, which we all deserve. If I am honest, from your description, it doesn’t sound like there is a whole lotta love left between you guys… it pains me to say.. I hope you gain clarity about which path you will take for your future. Hugs 💜🌹⚘

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I see quite a bit of my husband in your wife. At some point, I realized that nothing I did would change his feelings for me, and I was merely drowning. It was time to abandon ship and save myself. Sometimes that really is the only (and best) option – please try not to be too hard on yourself if you are at that point. You have tried; you have held up your end of the deal, and that really is all that you can do… Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

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