“You’re trying to get rid of me, because you don’t love me…”
The statement creates such a tumultuous affair in my mind. We just made love last night… How can you think…? I love you…I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m just working. Trying to be there on time is important. Why can’t you see that I must work? I don’t hate you, far from it, I’ll do anything for you. This is a test. She needs to know I care. She needs to know I’m going to make her important when she needs it. But why does she always need it when I have an obligation? Get rid of you? I’m going to work…I’m late to work, because you asked me to tak you to breakfast and I did that , because I love you. I don’t understand how you think I am trying to get rid of you…
The terror of her thinking I want someone else. I never wanted anyone else. I hated being punched in the face. I hated the constant fighting. I was desperate to prove that I loved you, but I felt tortured with the need to constantly sacrifice the things I love for her. I wanted her to hurt for making me hurt, for attacking my dignity as a man. I was raised to never strike a woman – no matter what. But how do I protect myself from her pummeling me every time her feelings are hurt? And why…oh why are her feelings constantly hurt?
I have never abandoned you, but you treat every situation like it’s final. Maybe it should be final and you have a hard time accepting that. But I’m drawn in, by having my ethics and integrity questioned by you. You are good, you know what buttons to push. You know the things that trigger me to desperately seek your approval. Why can’t I Feel happiness, regardless of how you feel? And worse, why do I try and find the fault of my ways in every situation, but can’t stand up to you anymore?
But I comply. I give her what she wants, because it’s easier than the hours – no days – worth of arguing that she and I will do. I believe her to be mentally ill, but is that a preposterous thing to suggest, since I suffer from my own depressive and anxious monsters? But we made vows for sickness and health, and I am required to stand by her side – especially, when I have acted selfishly in the past.
You call me a pussy and question my abilities to husband and father, anytime I want to discuss my feelings and needs. Your questions about me are always a trap, because you want to point out how selfish I am. I feel like every time your feelings are hurt, intention matters not to you…only the effect it has on you, based on your twisted interpretation. You hate when I make attempts predicting your reactions, but if I’m not careful, you will lash out with vehemence. Everything you do is justified by someone hurting your feelings. You hold me responsible for everything bad in your life and I take it, I take responsibility for things that are not my fault. “I forgive you” are words you say, but you don’t… You never forgive, you remember and you hold them over my head. God forbid any mistakes are made, because your anger is always my fault.
I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to drink away all the pain I felt. I knew I was fighting a losing battle with her. I always felt like things would be better; hell, she even stopped hitting me several years ago, “I stopped caring so much”, she said – a not so subtle way to imply that her lack of care is my fault. I never had the strength to leave her. I never had the emotional fortitude to stand up and say, “This is toxic for both of us.” I wanted her to leave; I needed her to leave. It made more sense…girls always left me. I’ve always assumed I could change and show them all I loved them and could be who they want me to be. Even for her…especially for her.
Even the therapist said I took responsibility for my actions, but it wasn’t something you wanted to hear. Did it mean you couldn’t hold things above my head anymore? It didn’t seem to sway you. Even in choosing a counselor, you wanted to choose someone so I “couldn’t manipulate the counselor”. Although you picked her, you accused me of getting her to believe me over you. Your pain is real; I’ve never doubted it. You’ve had some fucked-up things happen to you in life and my actions in our relationship didn’t help, but I do take responsibility. I have gone through great lengths to prove my love for you. I’m not rich, I’m not flashy, I’m not extravagant, but I have been authentically in love with you – and I’ll venture to say that I have accepted things that I feel most would not. Do I have a victim mentality about our relationship? Yes, because I am connected to this in a toxic way that doesn’t serve me or you in any positive way.
I have no ability to please her.
I don’t understand why I try.