It’s been a while, since I’ve written about my Sexual and Relationship Development, but today I happened to almost get into a wreck while driving to work. A car veered towards me and came into my lane. I was forced to slow down and let that person merge over. The thing is, however, when it started to come at me, I let out a high-pitched squeal – like a girl. I don’t always do it, but it does happen from time to time.
I remember the first time (or rather, my first memory of it), I was playing with my cousin in my grandmother’s basement cellar. She and I were standing there, and all of a sudden, out of no-where came the creepiest daddy long-leg spider I had ever seen. Both my cousin and I screamed and jumped onto an old cabinet watching the thing crawl towards us. And then, he must have invited his entire family and friends – that’s right, the Daddy Long Leg attack force was coming at us and we both began screaming… You guessed it; like girls.
I remember another time, when I was dating a girl. She and I were someone accustomed to just walking into each other’s houses unannounced. This one day, I went in and went downstairs to her room. I had assumed she was asleep or something, but as I turned a corner she jumped out and surprised me. And I jumped right out of my pants with a blood curdling scream (Or at least that’s how I imagined it) and she fell down in a fit of laughter and said, “You squeal like a girl!”.
There have been other instances where I have done this and I think it comes as a shock to most people, because I have such a masculine exterior and persona (Or at least, I was convinced that I had to be…societal construct, maybe?). It seemed to be a paradoxical aspect of who I was or thought I was. And the reason I mention it, is because I had always wondered how much of my sexuality is linked to my gender. I have mentioned in previous posts that I felt a lot of my assumed sexuality was constructed by my upbringing and society at large. So, the idea that I could exhibit some femininity was out of the question, as well. But I have always found myself linking my feminine behaviors to my desires to be with guys and linked my masculine behaviors to being attracted to women. In me, there is almost a switch that turns on and off, in my mind, based upon my current attractions.
I have often said, when I am with men, I distinctly prefer the more stereotypical role of feminine submission to male dominance (I realize that this doesn’t sit well with feminist ideas, but please keep in mind that this was not a well-accepted idea in my youth). I am what is referred to as a “bottom”, when I am with a guy. I don’t find the reverse role appealing in the least. I tend to take on a more, submissive role with a guy. I remember, once, when I was having sex with a guy, I practically begged him to call me “his girl”. I embellish this idea – although, it was not on the forefront of my mind on a lot of situations I had with guys. Trust me, there were a few friends that it was an unspoken rule that although they got a great blowjob from me, there would be no mention of the activity in public. I even had a guy one time tell me, he wouldn’t be with me, if I “acted gay”.
For a time, the exact reverse was true when I was with women. I tended to enjoy a more dominant role with women. I enjoyed the act of pursuing (although, there are entire side-categories to my sexual escapades with women, not worth detailing right now) women – i.e. the stereotypical “chase”. I had the ideas that I needed to be a protector, a gentleman, the breadwinner, etc., etc. I assumed there was a “right” way to be, and I attempted to exemplify that. The reality, however, is that I tend to play a submissive role with women, as well. There are times when I am more dominant, but I believe it has a lot to do with the specific relationship, but I tend to adapt to what my partner needs. Sex has not only been fun, but a matter of enhancing the relationship, for me.
I have gotten to a point in my life, however, that I am discovering that I am who I am. My largest fault has been not accepting myself for who I actually am. Am I feminine? Yes. Am I masculine? Sometimes I am. Am I gay? For the right guy? Am I straight? If she loves me and needs it that way. Am I submissive? Absolutely for men, and dictated by the relationship I have with a woman. Am I dominant? Never with a man, but will be for the woman that needs me to be. Granted, being in a monogamous relationship, makes a lot of this moot, but it is nice knowing that I am who I am.
And sometimes, when the sex is right…
…I squeal like a damned girl!