SARD: Part 12 – Gender dichotomy a prelude to sexual behavior? Or “You squeal like a girl!”

It’s been a while, since I’ve written about my Sexual and Relationship Development, but today I happened to almost get into a wreck while driving to work.  A car veered towards me and came into my lane. I was forced to slow down and let that person merge over. The thing is, however, when it started to come at me, I let out a high-pitched squeal – like a girl.  I don’t always do it, but it does happen from time to time. 

I remember the first time (or rather, my first memory of it), I was playing with my cousin in my grandmother’s basement cellar. She and I were standing there, and all of a sudden, out of no-where came the creepiest daddy long-leg spider I had ever seen. Both my cousin and I screamed and jumped onto an old cabinet watching the thing crawl towards us. And then, he must have invited his entire family and friends – that’s right, the Daddy Long Leg attack force was coming at us and we both began screaming… You guessed it; like girls.

I remember another time, when I was dating a girl. She and I were someone accustomed to just walking into each other’s houses unannounced. This one day, I went in and went downstairs to her room.  I had assumed she was asleep or something, but as I turned a corner she jumped out and surprised me. And I jumped right out of my pants with a blood curdling scream (Or at least that’s how I imagined it) and she fell down in a fit of laughter and said, “You squeal like a girl!”.

There have been other instances where I have done this and I think it comes as a shock to most people, because I have such a masculine exterior and persona (Or at least, I was convinced that I had to be…societal construct, maybe?). It seemed to be a paradoxical aspect of who I was or thought I was.  And the reason I mention it, is because I had always wondered how much of my sexuality is linked to my gender. I have mentioned in previous posts that I felt a lot of my assumed sexuality was constructed by my upbringing and society at large. So, the idea that I could exhibit some femininity was out of the question, as well.  But I have always found myself linking my feminine behaviors to my desires to be with guys and linked my masculine behaviors to being attracted to women.  In me, there is almost a switch that turns on and off, in my mind, based upon my current attractions. 

I have often said, when I am with men, I distinctly prefer the more stereotypical role of feminine submission to male dominance (I realize that this doesn’t sit well with feminist ideas, but please keep in mind that this was not a well-accepted idea in my youth). I am what is referred to as a “bottom”, when I am with a guy.  I don’t find the reverse role appealing in the least. I tend to take on a more, submissive role with a guy.  I remember, once, when I was having sex with a guy, I practically begged him to call me “his girl”. I embellish this idea – although, it was not on the forefront of my mind on a lot of situations I had with guys.  Trust me, there were a few friends that it was an unspoken rule that although they got a great blowjob from me, there would be no mention of the activity in public. I even had a guy one time tell me, he wouldn’t be with me, if I “acted gay”.

For a time, the exact reverse was true when I was with women. I tended to enjoy a more dominant role with women. I enjoyed the act of pursuing (although, there are entire side-categories to my sexual escapades with women, not worth detailing right now) women – i.e. the stereotypical “chase”.  I had the ideas that I needed to be a protector, a gentleman, the breadwinner, etc., etc.  I assumed there was a “right” way to be, and I attempted to exemplify that.  The reality, however, is that I tend to play a submissive role with women, as well. There are times when I am more dominant, but I believe it has a lot to do with the specific relationship, but I tend to adapt to what my partner needs.  Sex has not only been fun, but a matter of enhancing the relationship, for me.

I have gotten to a point in my life, however, that I am discovering that I am who I am. My largest fault has been not accepting myself for who I actually am.  Am I feminine? Yes. Am I masculine? Sometimes I am. Am I gay? For the right guy? Am I straight? If she loves me and needs it that way. Am I submissive? Absolutely for men, and dictated by the relationship I have with a woman. Am I dominant? Never with a man, but will be for the woman that needs me to be.  Granted, being in a monogamous relationship, makes a lot of this moot, but it is nice knowing that I am who I am.

And sometimes, when the sex is right…

…I squeal like a damned girl!  


30 thoughts on “SARD: Part 12 – Gender dichotomy a prelude to sexual behavior? Or “You squeal like a girl!””

  1. We are what we are… exactly! And if you want to squeal like a girl, then you go ahead and squeal like a girl! 😜 A thought-provoking read. I was planning to write something on sexuality soon, so this has been inspiring to read. Thank you for your honesty. I really admire that!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I have SO many thoughts about this post, but we have barely ‘met’, so to pour them out seems a bit… rude.

    But to cut it down to its bare bones, I can relate to this post, and without going into detail, the reason I could relate is thus:
    I have lived my entire life with the idea that I must conform with what was ‘expected’ of me.
    Once I found something that felt ‘right’, I still had/have those feelings of outside expectations… along with new expectations for this ‘alternate’ role.
    I find as I am discovering my Authentic Self, and shaving of my need for the conditional approval/love of certain people/groups, my confidence I who I am is growing, and I feel as though my ‘rebel’ side and my ‘good girl’ side are SLOWLY beginning to blend into The Real Amanda, and behaviors I adopted in BOTH personas are changing. Submissive bits are becoming assertive, aggressive bits are calming… I had created, basically, alternate personalities, because I couldn’t express parts of myself comfortably in certain areas/around certain people… but it created an extreme that I wasn’t really pleased with, either. Eventually, I became withdrawn and depressed, because NONE of it felt like ME… they felt like… caricatures of who I REALLY was.
    I am in the process of sorting through the bits (you’ve seen some of my Spiritual sorting… but theres definitely some sexuality sorting happening too).
    I’m sorry if this was confusing, I was trying to share without making you feel like I hijacked your blog with my life!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. First and foremost, I don’t take issue with comments on my blog unless they are intentionally disrespectful, but I only encountered that from one person one time and I still left her comments on the post. I believe in open dialogue, so I like what you have to say.

      Secondly, it is encouraging that you can relate to all of this. It’s comforting knowing that my issues can be appreciated.

      Thirdly, if you ever feel the need to discuss privately, me email is on my contact page. 😊

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I suppose that I was trying to say that we both, in our own ways, have had to fracture and compartmentalize ourselves, because social/familial ‘rules’ said that A wasn’t acceptable when mixed with B, and C wasn’t allowed at all, so we find these spaces/roles where each part of ourselves can be expressed, separate from the other… but this never allows us to be completely whole. There’s always a hint of dissatisfaction, because we haven’t found a place in which we can BE WHO WE ARE, whatever that entails, and be totally accepted.

    Hell… I’m 36 years old and only recently realized how little I actually know about myself… how very many things I would have done/be doing differently, if only I weren’t insecure/afraid!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Whoa, too many comments to read. Nice blog. I love to read Cherise Sinclair, who writes primarily about BDSM with male dominate relationships. My latest read though was about a female dominant/male submissive relationship and I didn’t think it would work for me. I had to get it though because he was one of my favorite characters. She wrote it beautifully! He was submissive without being emasculated. It was a much more subtle, perhaps more realistic power exchange than the fantasy D/s relationships she normally writes. I think we are all so much more complex than the standard boxes we try to squeeze into.

    “I can’t squeeze into that box! It makes my butt look big!”

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You always bring the biggest smiles to my face but in the end the most important thing I would say is that im thrilled you are learning to accept yourself. Faults and strengths, who cares as they are merely faults to some and strengths to others. What matters is you and you allowing yourself to be who you are. That is the most appealing and attractive thing you can ever do. Feeling good about yourself and being confident, wearing and not letting that damn crown slip.
    The rest will accept you once you do and those who don’t, don’t have a place in your life as they only diminish your light that’s meant to shine bright.

    Liked by 1 person

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